Thursday, May 30, 2013

BLOW OFF Questionnaire: Meet Carolyn!

Editor's Note: Guys!  You may have read some of Carolyn's awesome posts, but now get to know the girl behind the worst online date ever.  If you want to be featured in the BLOW OFF questionnaire, email us with your answers to the below questions here!

I hate guys who… are boring. I can't stand predictable guys who ask predictable questions. i.e. "So what do you do?" "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I get enough nagging from my own mother - I definitely don't want to hear it from a potential love interest. I also cringe at guys who are predictable when it comes to romance. I'm a simple girl, I don't need roses or chocolate - how about a lottery ticket and a 40 oz? 

I love guys who... aren't serious about life and are self-aware of their humble place in this world. As Groucho Marx once said, "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member." In other words, don't be a cocky ass. Also, if you Reddit and love burritos - boy, what's your name? What's your #?

My worst break up was... when I was 18 in the back of my roommate's car with my first college boyfriend. There was screaming, there was crying and there were lots of vodka shots. Ah, young love - everything just seems so heightened at the time, doesn't it? 

My easiest break up was... I've lived in three different cities in three years: Seattle, San Francisco and now Los Angeles - I haven't had time to have a serious relationship. Those three years were my hedonistic years - it was just too damn easy to break up with someone. I always had the perfect excuse: "I'm moving to a different city."You really can't beat that. Unfortunately, now that I'm semi-stuck in Los Angeles for the unforeseeable future - I might actually have to put some thought into my break-ups. 

My three deal breakers are.... Here's a scene from "The Wackness" starring Ben Kingsley that basically sums up my dating standards:
Translated: "There are certain people you just can't trust, you know, Luke?
Listen to me, never trust anyone who doesn't smoke pot or listen to Bob Dylan, you hear me?
Never trust anyone who doesn't like the beach.
Never, ever, ever trust anyone who doesn't like dogs.
You meet someone who doesn't like dogs - you alert the authorities immediately and you sure as shit don't marry them."

Oh Ben! He's so wise. The biggest deal breaker is a man who doesn't love dogs. Who the hell doesn't like dogs?? If he doesn't like dogs, he sure as hell doesn't like you. 

I've been in love 1 time, I think. Although looking back on my life, I can't tell if I was ever really in love with him or in love with the idea of being in love.   I've had my heart broken once. On our second date, I told him I was going to marry him. We were together for two years, moved in together and even had a dog. He was my first love. Those are the ones that hurt the most.  I've broken one heart - my own. I was 21, stupid and had unrealistic expectations of what love was. I was basically a Taylor Swift song blindly sashaying my way through Seattle. Now that I'm older and live in Los Angeles -  I'm wary, nihilistic and have fallen into the black hole of online dating. You've been warned, T. Swizzle! THIS SHIT IS REAL.

My go to sad break up song is..... Betty LaVette's cover of Bob Dylan's "Most of the Time". Remember that scene in "High Fidelity" where John Cusack is walking in the rain? This is the female version of that moment. All the feelings, people, ALL of them. 

My go to "fuck you" break up song is.... For all the women out there who want to raise their middle fingers at their ex-boyfriends,  I present to you this gem of a song: "Peaches - I Don't Give a Fuck"; it is literally 1:48 minutes of taking a shit on your relationship. You're welcome. (NSFW, lots of 'fucks' and 'shits' thrown around. My mother caught me listening to this once after a bad date.)

Angelina Jolie... might be the only person that could rival Beyonce. Did I just commit blasphemy? Probably. Everybody knows that Beyonce is my patronus. Did y'all NOT read Jolie's NYT article?? I haven't been that moved since I saw "Marley & Me".

Reality TV.... I am shameless. Absolutely shameless. The new season of Bachelorette just started, y'all and according to Icona Pop, "I don't care, I love it"! You name it, I will consume it: Real Housewives, Amish Mafia, Masterchef, The Voice, Sweet Genius, etc. etc. Although "Food Network" shows are my kryptonite - food porn is where it's at. Do NOT get me started on Paula Deen - next to Hillary Clinton, Paula is my homegirl!

1 comment:

  1. I love all these answers. And seriously, guys who smoke pot and listen to bob dylan describes my entire dating history.