Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Newlyweds: the first year

Guys, I've discovered that I have a hidden talent...for getting hooked on bad reality TV shows.  Wait, what?  That's not a talent.  I beg to differ.  First, it requires sitting on the couch and turning on the remote control-- of which we have like five-- so just figuring out how to turn the television on takes some serious skill.  Then I have to make the decision to not go straight to my DVR recordings and seek out something new.  Do you know what that takes?  Guts.  Fearlessness.  Hope.  Then I have to keep my fingers crossed that Bravo is not airing a marathon of LA Shrinks, because even I have to draw the line somewhere.

Well, that line has been drawn-- and right behind it is the new Bravo reality show, Newlyweds: The First Year.  Not to be mistaken with Newlyweds starring Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey (who both now have a kid with someone else.)

Anyway, the show follows the lives of four very different couples during their first year of marriage.  Here's what you need to know about all of them.

Couple #1
Kim and Alaska
These two claim they are a power couple.  She's a "stylist" and he's a "record executive".  Right, and  I ghost-wrote the entire Harry Potter series.  What is it with people on reality TV shows pretending to be way more rich and successful than they actually are (I'm looking at you, entire cast of Shahs of Sunset).  Kim and Alaska compare themselves to Will and Jada except I swear they live in a housing project in the Bronx.  And I'm pretty sure Will and Jada don't frequent the corner laundromat on the weekends.  We hear a lot about how Kim and Alaska are Christians which is why they didn't live together before marriage and why Kim has to be a submissive wife.  WHAAAAT? I couldn't be submissive if someone held a gun to my head.  That said, I'm okay with this arrangement, because Alaska is pretty much always right and Kim is a little cray.  Don't believe me?  She told her bridesmaids they need to lose weight before her wedding.

I give them a 70% chance of survival, for no reason other than the fact that they had the prettiest wedding.
Couple #2
Kathryn and John
I vote Kathryn and John most likely to get divorced by the time the season is over.   These two got engaged after six months of dating and married six months later.  Kathryn cries A LOT.  She cries when she moves out of her apartment in Manhattan and moves in with John.  She cries when no one will get her a tissue to blow her nose with on her wedding day.  She cries when she takes a pregnancy test.  She cries when she thinks about all the times she had her heart broken before meeting John.  This is a classic case of a girl who was so scarred by dating a couple of assholes, she went completely the other way and married a nice dorky Greek boy who's a homeowner in...Oyster Bay, NY.  That's on Long Island.  I guess I would cry too if I had to move there.  John says things like he wants a wife who's going to cook and clean for him.  Apparently, he and Alaska came to the 21st Century on a Delorean.  So...all Kathryn does is clean the house all day and online shop (she has an allowance!) and cry because she used to be a career woman.

I give them a 20% chance of survival, because they want kids immediately...which just means they deep down can't stand each other.  Also, John makes lists.  FOR EVERYTHING.  I love to make lists too, but I don't trust any man that does.  Plus, I was appalled by how giddy they were counting the money people gave them for their wedding.  Who does that (on camera)?
Couple #3
Tina and Tarzu
Tina is an Indian pop star and Tarzu is a white guy named Dave who somehow inherited an Indian nickname.  These two are like oil and vinegar.  She's loud and obnoxious.  He might possibly be mute.  They live in a very strange tacky house in South Carolina.  Tina is very sad that her mom passed away three years ago, but apparently not that sad, because she still had her wedding on the anniversary of her mother's death.  I know what some of you former brides might be thinking: maybe they really fell in love with the venue and that was the only date available.  Uh, no.  They got married in their house.  Anyway, Tina and Tarzu's biggest obstacle (aside from the fact that she might be the most annoying person in the world and lines outside of her lips to put on lipstick) is that Tina's dad hates Tarzu.  It's not really fair to Tarz.  Sure, he's a boring wet blanket, but he's cute and seems like a nice enough guy.  Plus, when Tina asked him to help her fold a mattress sheet cover, he says "no one in the world knows how to fold those things."  True dat.  And even though he's white-- he lets people call him TARZU and he got Tina's mom's name (Geeta) tattooed on his arm.

I give these two a 50% chance of survival.  It could really go either way.  Tina's really mean and Tarzu's really passive, but one day he might snap and murder her.  Also, he works all the time and she needs a lot of attention so that could be a problem.  I'm actually disappointed that none of the women on the show seem to have very viable careers.  Bravo is so oppressive!
Couple #4
Jeff and Blair
They might be my favorite couple and not just because I'm pretty sure Jeff and I used to work out at the same gym.  They seem to be the most giddy and genuinely in love, although I'm a little nervous that young Blair is just using Jeff for his house and his money.  But Jeff refuses to be a total sugar daddy and makes Blair pay him rent.  Which is just a weird thing to do after you marry a person, but I support Jeff in this decision until Blair grows up and becomes more financially stable.  Anyway, they are sort of that classic gay couple where one person is older and more reserved and the other guy is a young social butterfly, but I'm really rooting for these two to make it work.  Mostly because Jeff's parents shunned him when he came out of the closet and basically stopped speaking to him.  Every time Blair and Jeff discuss this on the show, I instantly start balling my eyes out.  I mean, Jeff hasn't seen his niece or nephew in eight years!  That is so tragic.

I give these two a 75% chance of survival.  They seem to be really committed to each other.  I just hope Blair (who used to be in a boy band called B3) doesn't fuck things up.

I'll give you guys an update on what happens to all these couples by the end of their first year of marriage, but I highly recommend you check out Newlyweds: the First Year for yourself.  You can find it on Hulu or set your DVRs for Mondays at 10pm.  Next week, we find out the results of Kathryn's pregnancy test and Jeff finally receives his parents RSVP to his wedding.  I hope those bastards beg for his forgiveness!
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  1. Why do people do this to their relationships?? I would be divorced in a month if I let cameras into my life post-wedding(this is Ad Nauseum, btw). I couldn't do it, but I sure am glad they can. This whole post is hilarious.

  2. For serious! I feel like I'd become an instant Reality TV villain if there were cameras documenting my marriage. the scary thing is, the main reason these people are willing to be on this show is because they are fame and money whores!

  3. I'm just anxious for the Bachelorette recaps.

  4. They're coming, don't worry!

  5. I agree 100% and giggled @ your entire postings/article... True

  6. Alaska actually is a record executive. I saw him on another reality show with one of the recording artists he was working with.