Wednesday, May 29, 2013

the Bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: Season Premiere!

Desiree and her one true love: Chris Harrison
Another season of The Bachelorette is upon us.  Where do I even begin, you guys?  There is SO much to discuss and make fun of, it's almost overwhelming.  Almost.

Let's start with the theme of this season: rags to riches Cinderalla story.  I mean, we're all accustomed to hearing words like "princess" "fairytale" "Prince Charming" on the show, but I'm pretty sure Desi dropped the princess bomb about seventy times in the first five minutes.  Also, for the first time ever we saw the bachelorette pull into her new pad in a shitty Honda (ahem, a pumpkin) and then get presented with a freaking BENTLEY (a pimped out carriage.)  We also heard a lot about how poor Desi's family was and how her brother's bedroom was her family living room.  No wonder he turned to a life of crime!

Seriously though, I can't tell if Des's family was as poor as she claims or if they just looked poor in those photographs because it was the 80s.  I swear, we all looked poor in the 80s.  Here's the proof: a picture of my brother and cousin circa 1989.  They look dirt poor in this pic:
Anyway.  The other thing that surprised me about Des is that she cries A LOT.  I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and just assume she's feeling hormonal and riding the crimson wave, but one of the things I actually liked about her on Sean's season is that she kept the tears at bay till she was really desperate to get that rose.  Harrison (who really phoned it in this episode) interviews Des about how she feels like a princess and then she goes on her merry way in her brand new (on loan) Bentley while some song about a girl with brown eyes plays that's not by Van Morrison.  I thought scenes of Sean Lowe doing sit-ups were bad, but we have to watch shots of Des rollerskating in cut off shorts and a bikini top, then trying on a bright pink cowboy hat....cause that's what people do in southern California.  WTF.  No one does this except for Sarah Jessica Parker's character in LA Story.  Then, we get some really weird scene of Des yelling at some seagulls and running straight at them on the beach.  I'm just going to assume that when she was a poor little girl, she took solace in becoming a seagull whisperer, because otherwise this scene is completely strange and pointless.

I almost forgot, the show is really setting Des up as a fashion designer with all the sketch pads.  Can we all just remember that what she actually did for a living on Sean's season was work retail at the local Priscilla of Boston?  And all we see her sketch are PALM TREES.  That said, this has earned her a new nickname: Coco Chanel, obvi.

Side note, but did anyone else get the feeling in her interview with Chris that these two have totally hooked up?  That's just the vibe that I'm getting here.  Like he's got his classic Chris Harrison smile on his face, but he's dying on the inside because he's madly in love with Coco.  Poor Harrison!

Back me up here, that silver dress they stuck her in is butt fugly.  What is with this show's obsession with metallic?   Remember how Catherine and Lindsay both had to dress in head to toe silver and gold in the finale episode?  Why is this show so opposed to earth tones?!

We arrive at my favorite part of the episode: Meeting the guys!  A select few get their very own package where we hear a little about their back stories...starting with Bryden.

I'll be honest, I'm kind of a fan of good ol' Bryden.  He's an Iraqi war vet (although a year doesn't sound like all that long for being there...I smell dishonorable discharge...which could also be a new term to describe my menstrual cycle.) OMG, that is so disgusting, I just slapped myself.  What worries me about Bryden is his Julius Caesar meets Jim Carrey in Dumb & Dumber haircut.  I think he would have been better off shaving it completely.  But he's super into his dog (bonus points) and it would be super hot if he had a PTSD meltdown in the middle of the season when Desiree spends too much time with another guy.  I'm hoping it'll go something like this:
Then we meet Will, this season's token black man who's really into Bikram yoga and will probably make it to episode four so Desiree doesn't seem totally racist.  But even though we have a black man in the white house, we will probably never get one in a fantasy suite.  Also, he's maybe the least smooth black man that's ever graced our TV screens.  He's a little like Carlton from Fresh Prince, especially when he yells "I LOVE THIS WOMAN."

Drew from Scottsdale is kind of hot, but I honestly don't remember much about him.  My notes just say: kind of hot.  Mentally handicapped sister.  Personally, I don't think he should let his sister near Des's brother.  Bad things could happen. 

Next up is Nick the Magician...who I don't even know how he scored his own segment.  He's about my height (5 feet), he's a tailor by day, and a magician by night.  I feel sort of sad for him in a way, but then I realize that maybe he just came on the show in hopes that the exposure would book him his very own Vegas show along side Criss Angel.  Poor Nick. You have no chance.

And then there's Zak.  Oy Vey.  Turns out, spelling his name wrong is the least of his problems.  Zak LOVES to be naked.  Or shirtless.  I'm convinced he does this to distract us all from his crazy eyes.  Also, he lives in the middle of nowhere in Texas in a house that looks like there are at least three girls chained to the wall in the basement which would explain why he's naked all the time.

Robert from LA is introduced to us as an advertising entrepreneur who invented SIGN SPINNING.  Get out!  Someone really invented this shit?  Why do I feel like there's a guy out there that spun the first sign on a street corner that's royally pissed that Robert is pretending like he invented it.  I mean, come on.  Did he really wake up one morning and think: I've got it!  We should spin the signs instead of just holding them!  He's clearly not a genius, but he does have a one-eyed dog so he's instantly my favorite.

Mike R is a not so attractive Dental student who grew up in Britain but lost his British accent...which means he also lost any chance he had of being attractive.  Mike R, if you're reading this: get that accent back.  I don't care if you have keep a hot potato in your mouth to sound British, do whatever it takes if you don't want to die alone!  Is it just me or does Mike R also look like he could be one of the guys in Jacob's werewolf clan in the Twilight movies?

Next up is Brandon who describes himself as an adrenaline junkie.  Gross.  They make the most annoying boyfriends ever.  I'm like "let's stay in and watch Bill Maher" and they're like "No! Let's go naked water skiing."  Ugh, who needs that.  But Brandon also comes with his very own sob story.  His dad left the family when he was young and his mom is either a drug addict or an alcoholic.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to get him confused with Drew all season.

Finally, it's time for the guys to pull up in the limo and meet Coco Desi Chanel in person.  Here are just some of the highlights:

Brooks-- I have high hopes for him.  I'm a little disappointed by how weird his mouth is when he talks, but he seems to be in a lot of the upcoming clips for the season, so I think he makes it pretty far.  And there's a lot of chemistry between him and Coco.

Brad-- all I remember about him is that he has no upper lip and decides to bring a wishbone cause Des apparently threw a penny in Sean's season into the fountain.

Here's the deal: I think all the guys who actually watched last season of The Bachelor should be automatically eliminated-- unless they were forced to watch it by their girlfriends.  I mean, what single straight man comes home from a day of work and watches two hours of The Bachelor-- I don't care if there are a bunch of hot girls running around in bikinis, it's still weird.

Michael G-- man, I thought he was going to be a front runner, but I'm really disappointed by the way he looks in person.  His nose is bigger, his neck is non-existent, and he's kind of stocky.  He makes a semi-cute attempt at finding Des's penny in the fountain, but he doesn't quite pull it off.  I think he could get the boot right before hometown dates. 

Kasey-- Hashtag FUCKING LOSER.  Don't get me wrong, my sister works for Twitter-- even though the tweets on the screen bug the heck out of me, I'm all for them getting exposure, but I think hashtag Kasey could single-handedly make Twitter un-cool.  The man says hashtag before every word that comes out of his his mouth.  #OHHELLNO.

Will who we've already talked about decides to throw me a bone by giving Des a new nickname: Athena.  We will take that nickname to the next level and call her Princess Coco Athena.  He then tells Des that she might come up with a nickname for him later-- my husband suggests: token.  The sad thing is that Will is probably the most decent guy on the show.

Mikey T-- I kind of underestimated Mikey T.  Even though he's a little cross-eyed, he's a lot cuter in person and his dimples are actually kind of attractive.  I still think he should shoot himself in the head for going by "Mikey" but I was wrong that he would get the boot in the first episode.  Plus, I like the vertical stripes under the suit.  I will be calling him Magic Mikey from now on. 

Jonathan-- I'm pretty sure this guy is drunk coming out of the limo, but he makes the mistake of giving Princess Coco Athena a room key and a fantasy suite date card WHICH IS NOT written by Chris Harrison.  Athena gets all kinds of offended and says she's not that kind of girl.  Personally, I thought this was kind of funny.  I also think if the room key came from Juan Pablo, Desi would hump him right then and there.

Naked Zak shows up with no shirt on and says to Athena: Will You Accept These Abs?  My husband captured Zak's essence perfectly when he says he's the kind of guy that "beats off in front of the mirror."

James--- he looks a little like the kind of guy that may or may not have date raped at least 1-3 girls he went to college with.  His torso is giant.  In the previews for the season, James is set up as the villain of the show...which is appropriate because he's into date rape.

Larry--- the world's most awkward ER doctor ever.  Larry tries to dance with Des and dip her, but tragedy strikes when she gets caught in her dress.  Larry is basically inconsolable.  Damn.  If he's this sad about the failed dip attempt, like-- how sad does he get when he loses a patient?  It's okay, Larry.  There will be other girls and other dips.

Zack-- I like that he spells his name right and I like the tuxedo with the Chuck Taylor's BUT where the hell is his neck?!  There is a neck epidemic among all these men.

Diogo-- I felt really bad for Diogo.  He made a major error in judgement by dressing up as a knight in shining armor.  I would have felt worse for him if he didn't list No Strings Attached as one of his favorite movies in his bio.  He's just so awkward.  It's quite possible that there was a shortage of men this season and Chris Harrison stopped by Home Depot and picked up Diogo who just really wanted to help someone move or paint their house and he ended up being held by gunpoint as he was shoved into a knight costume.  FREE DIOGO!

Chris-- totally non-descript cute mortgage broker that might be the most normal guy of the bunch.  He could be the dark horse we all forget exists who makes it all the way to the hometown dates.

Mike R-- he shows up in what looks like a doctor's jacket to make up for the lack of British accent BUT HE'S JUST A DENTAL STUDENT.  Larry the ER doctor should kick his ass.  Or dip him to death.

As though the humiliation Diogo suffered wasn't enough, Juan Pablo shows up as the other Latino contender.  Hello, hotness.  He's like the Latin Josh Lucas.  And he gives Athena a piece of chocolate.  Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about.  He just got a fast track pass to the fantasy suite.

Brandon the adrenaline junkie shows up on a motorcycle.   Those things are really unsafe!

Brian-- he's pretty cute, but I also think he's the guy that ends up having the crazy girlfriend that shows up to yell at him.

Micah-- the guy that wears the quirky suit that he apparently designed himself.  Des doesn't seem all that into him, but I'm convinced she also has zero sense of humor.  I actually like his dorky charm.

Nick M--- It just wouldn't be a season of The Bachelorette if someone didn't read a poem or sing a song.  Nick reads a poem that was probably written by a five year old.  It's majorly cringe-worthy but Athena probably thinks he has Prince Charming potential and gives him rose later in the evening.

Dan-- he was one of my final four picks and he's pretty cute, but just like Brooks, he also has a weird mouth.  He seems like the kind of guy that could get sent home on a two on one date.

Ben-- If you guys fell for Ben's "I'm bringing my adorable son with me" act, then do me a favor and hit your head against the wall five times.  Yes, we can all agree that Little Brody was adorable and while I'm not a parent, this is a huge BAD DADDY alert to me.  First of all, he's using his kid as bait.  His kid also met Princess Athena before he did.  It just seems all kinds of wrong to me. 

I'll keep the details from the rest of the evening short as it's pretty much a bunch of guys stealing Des away from each other and having awkward conversations with her.  Here are some things we learn about Coco Chanel.

#1 She hates blondes.  I guess she still isn't over Sean Lowe and doesn't want any reminders of him, because at best she's got a few dirty blondes in the bunch.

#2 She gives out roses for bad behavior.  Zak who is clearly an attention whore gets a rose for jumping in the swimming pool in his boxer briefs.  I'm pretty sure he beat off in there and stared at his reflection in the water.

Ben (the guy with a kid) also snags the first rose of the night.  So....Gullible Little Athena totally fell for the whole stunt kid act.  He also claims to Des that he and Brody's mom were never married-- they were just two friends who decided to have a kid.  Translation:  Ben knocked some chick up during a drunken one night stand and decided to show up and start taking care of Brody five years after the fact so he could bring him on The Bachelorette.

#3 Speaking of gullible, Bryden tells Des that when he was in Iraq he bonded with a ten year old Iraqi boy.  At first, I'm like: OMG!  Did they stay in touch?!  And then I'm like, wait a second...he just told her the plot of the Hurt Locker. 

#4 Des can stand up for herself.  After Fantasy Suite Guy gets increasingly drunker and keeps insisting she come to the fantasy suite with him (which side note, since when is there a fantasy suite in the Malibu Whore House?) Des tells him to go home.  A white van arrives to pick him up and you just know Des's Cape Fear brother and Chris Harrison are in there and they are going to take him to some dark alley to skin his penis with a carrot peeler.  What is wrong with me?!  I just can't stop being disgusting.

Last detail of the night: Brandon (or was it Drew?) either gives Desi a coin or one of his mother's sobriety chips and says he flipped it to decide whether he should go to his birthday party or his interview for the show.  Athena acts like this is all kinds of sweet, but WTF?  Dude just admitted he's a coin flipper.  Like, is he gonna flip a coin to see if he should marry you?  There is absolutely nothing romantic about this.

Shit, I forgot: Juan Pablo is effing hot when he plays soccer.  He's my favorite.

Rose ceremony time!  After sending Jonathan packing, Des decides not to give a rose to Nick the Magician (no shocker there), Larry the Dipper, Diogo the Knight, and Micah the weird suit guy.  I feel sorry for Diogo, because he just seems kind of sweet and lost and confused, but I'm glad he's free.  Larry continues to blame the dip for getting his ass sent home and not his incredibly awkward personality.  He actually says that he practiced the dip 50 times on 50 different people and every time it went great.  Clearly, he hangs out in the morgue of his hospital and dips dead people all day long. Micah was so irrelevant to the show that we didn't even get to see him say good bye to Des or give an exit interview.

You guys have to go back and watch the preview for the upcoming season.  All I know is that a ton of shit happens that causes people to rub their foreheads.  I'm not kidding.  Go back and watch it-- there are nine (NINE) different forehead rubs.  It's pretty amazing.  The below is not that video, but I had to share this shit.  I only got through one minute of it.  I'll give you a shout out in next week's post if you manage to get through the whole thing!  Glad to see Stefano from season whatever of American Idol is doing his thing. 



  1. Do you know who rollerskates in cut off shorts and a bikini top before trying on a bright pink cowboy hat in Southern California? Trannies, that's who.

  2. Hold it right there. That would be the greatest twist of all time if Des was a tranny and would definitely be the most dramatic finale ever.

  3. Haha! I have a tranny on santana row that comes to the bar dressed like that!!