Wednesday, May 22, 2013

The Bachelorette: Early Predictions!

The Bachelorette premieres this coming Monday-- WOOT WOOT!  I can't wait to see Small Teeth Katie Holmes pretend to fall madly in love with two men when what she's really hoping for is a spot on next season's Dancing with the Stars where she will surely be partnered with Derek Hough.

Anyway, until Monday's show-- here are our early predictions for the top four, purely based on pictures and bios alone.  (I avoid Reality Steve spoilers like the plague, so don't ruin it for me).  In looking through the photos and bios, I think it's safe to say that Des might have absolutely the worst batch of contestants ever.  While most of them spell their names correctly (except for Zak), they're just extra douchey and their bios are ridiculous!  One guy lists No Strings Attached as his favorite movie.  SAY WHAT THE FUCK?  Honestly AshLee Perfackt Cupcake had the cream of the crop on her season.  They should just keep bringing those guys back every year.  Okay, now for reals, here are our picks:

He looks a little more edgy than the rest of the guys and I could see Des being into that.  Not exactly sure about the long hair, but she can use her powers of persuasion to get him to cut that shit off.  Also, he's 6'4" which puts him on the taller end of the spectrum than the rest of the guys--- however, he is from Salt Lake City which means he might possibly be Mormon.  Even though I think Katie Holmes might be cool with that, I'm just not sure the church of Jesus Christ Latter Day Saints will be so cool with her convict brother.  Either way, Brooks and Des would make a dreamy couple.

Juan Pablo
While the show seems to get less and less black men every season, they seem to have upped the Latinos among the contestants this season.  Juan Pablo is from Venezuela and he's a former pro-soccer player.  HOT.  He's maybe one of the most attractive guys in the bunch.  I can't see Des actually marrying him-- especially since his answer under the question Favorite book is "don't read" but I could see her keeping him around for a night of hot salsa sex in the fantasy suite.  He could also be the winner of the first impression rose. But for the love of Hay-Zeus, button your shirt Juan Pablo!

He gets final four points for not wearing a deep V in his picture and for listing Dumb & Dumber as one of his favorite movies.  Plus, if he and Desi get together, they could totally be the brunette Barbie and Ken.  And I could see him subtly schooling her brother if he tries to bully him.  Dan's biggest downfall might be his occupation: he's a beverage sales director.  Which I'm guessing means he works at his local BevMo.  After closer inspection of his teeth, he may also be a vampire.  But that's cool cause he can turn crazy Cape Fear brother into the undead.  Or is that zombies?  Anyhoo, the other thing that might give Dan an edge on the competition is the fact that his name starts with a "D,"  Dan & Desi.  D & D.  Adorbs.

Michael G
If I had to put my money on one of these guys getting the final rose, it would be Michael G.  Even though he's sort of lacking in the neck department and is sporting a pastel V-neck, he's a federal prosecutor.  He lists Radiohead, Billy Joel, and Pearl Jam as his favorite musical artists.  That's like the hot guy trifecta.  He also lists Dante and F Scott Fitzgerald as his favorite writers and Rafaello Sanzio as his favorite artist.  So...either he really knows his Ninja Turtles or he's a borderline genius.  He might be a little too smart for Ms. Desiree and the whole engaged to a federal prosecutor/my brother's a serial killer thing could turn all their lives into a Showtime series, but I have faith that these two will work through it while slow dancing to some Billy Joel.  P.S.  His shoe size is a 14.  Two words: FANTASY. SUITE.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Michael G and Brooks are the final two.

Going home the first night:

Mikey T.
You're only allowed to be named Mikey if this is the 70s and you are the little kid in the Life Cereal commercial.  The deep V is a huge red flag here as is the fact that he brags about doing a surprise strip tease for a bunch of sorority girls.  WHAT?  Things went from bad to worse when I continue to read Mikey's bio and learn he has a tribal tattoo on his arm.  If Mikey does stick around, I vote him most likely to have Desiree sit on his back while he does push-ups.  I am very confused as to why he lives in Illinois and not Staten Island.  What would be an awesome third act twist is if Chris Harrison shows up to reveal that Mikey T was in prison with Des's brother and the two of them used to be a thing.

Anyway, can't wait for this season of The Bachelorette.  But I need a little help from you guys: I'm just not satisfied with "small teeth Katie Holmes" as a nickname for Desiree.  If you guys can think of better ways to make fun of her with a new nickname, leave your suggestions in the comments section!


  1. "What would be an awesome third act twist is if Chris Harrison shows up to reveal that Mikey T was in prison with Des's brother and the two of them used to be a thing."

    I may have just popped a lady bone for you.

  2. if only juan pablo could read...