Monday, June 10, 2013

I don't know how to meet anybody in L.A.

San Francisco spoiled me. I could down an ill-advised fifth gin & tonic of the night and stumble off with any mediocre guy that gave me the least bit of attention at the bar - much to the panic of my girlfriends (But he lives in Oakland!). Thanks to beer goggles, low standards and several options in public transportation - one night stands were achievable. Guys, it's practically Newton's law - an object in motion stays in motion. Translation: Two drunk assholes who meet at the bar usually end up going home together.

After several months of trolling the streets here, I've come to the conclusion that I just don't know how to have a one-night stand in Los Angeles (and in a broader, non-sluttier sense, I don't know how to meet anybody in this city to have a lasting, meaningful relationship - is that better?). I guess I'm being blown off by Los Angeles transportation, because I can no longer get shitty wasted at the bar because I have to drive home - and if I were to walk home in my particular neighborhood at night, I would have a lot more to worry about than being broke and single. The only self-defense move I know is to shout the only phrase I know in Spanish, "Liam Neeson es mi padre!" That's right, I saw "Taken" and "Taken 2" and you'd be really sorry if you messed with me.

I'm stumped, Los Angeles. You finally did what my mother has been trying for years to get me to do at family functions - to drink responsibly. Since I am unable to circumvent the transportation problem, I've lost all interest in meaningless sex. Everyone knows that the key to having a one-night stand is that both parties must be drunk and one person must live close-by so the drunk doesn't wear off by the time we get there and we realize that we're both making a huge mistake.

For example, this one time I was drunk at a bar in Noe Valley in San Francisco on a semi-date with a guy who lived in Berkeley. We looked at each other through hazy eyes and then looked at the time - that's when we started calculating. It was almost midnight, the last BART out to Berkeley was in 15 minutes and by the time we reached Berkeley (another 20 minutes to get to his place) we would both be sober by that point. It'd never work and he obviously couldn't go back with me to my place, I was sharing a room with a friend to save $$$ on rent. We both reached a silent understanding, politely exited the bar and called it a night. It was just too much damn work. I never heard from him again.

Now, let's transport this exact scenario to a bar in Los Angeles. I was recently on another semi-date and the possibility of a maybe was in the air. (Really, guys, I'm not that slutty.) It had been awhile since I had done the deed - the driest spell this land has seen since the days of Laura Ingalls Wilder on the prairie, alright? Anyways, the night was coming to a close and we actually started calculating out loud, determining the logistics if a one-night stand in Los Angeles was a possibility.

Date: Did you drive?
Me: Yeah, I parked a few blocks away, I couldn't find anything closer.
Date: Oh, me too, yeah, parking's a bitch around here.
*awkward silence*
Date: Do you want a ride back to my place? 
Me: What about my car?
Date: Well, I mean, I could drive you back here in the morning and drop you off.
Me: Ehhh. I don't know...
Date: Or you could just follow me back to my place, we should hurry though, it's already late and street parking can be kind of tough around my area.
Me: .....


Romantic, huh? I won't bore you with the excruciating details, but we spent the next few minutes realizing that neither of us wanted to go the extra mile for the other person, called it a night and went our separate ways. I also never heard from him ever again.

That was also sadly, the most interaction I've had with a male the entire time I've been here other than being flipped off by angry drivers. So, how do people meet people in LA? Bueller? Bueller? It sure as hell isn't at the bar - because everyone is too sober to make mistakes since we're all designated drivers here. And I'll be damned if I am forced to try OKCupid one more time.

If this continues for the remainder of the lease on my apartment, I swear, I will be forced to subscribe to eHarmony. You're killing me, Smalls!

So come on, Los Angeles, throw me a bone. Or at least, better bike lanes.


  1. I had the same problem when I first moved to LA. In NY you never had to worry about driving, it made taking people back to your place super easy. However, it was also way easier to bar hop in NY. I always got the feeling that guys wanted to keep moving on to the next bar in case there was something better. In LA, you tend to stick to one place so I found that actually made it easier to meet someone. You were only competing with the girls in THAT bar and not all the imaginary hotter girls in the bar down the street. I recommend splurging on cabs and going to The Short Stop. That place is usually a sure thing.

  2. Marking calendar for Friday nights at the Short Stop. hello los angeles!

  3. I'm also a BIG fan of Uber. It's a touch more expensive than a cab but since it's an app 1) you don't have to talk to anyone if you're hammered and your phone has your gps location so they send the car right to you. 2) they have your credit card on file and include the tip so you never have to worry about having enough cash.

    Also, I'm SURE you could have a one night stand here. But since you're drinking responsibly you probably aren't up for it. I have trouble meeting good guys too because of the types of places I have to go at nights but I feel like Laurel Hardware in WeHo is always a good bet and if you're lucky (which I'm not) and know someone with a membership to The SoHo House, the few times that I have actually been there I've met some quality guys.