Friday, June 28, 2013

Newlyweds: An Update

Guys, remember about a month ago when I sang the praises of my favorite new reality TV show The Newlyweds: the First Year on BRAVO?  Well, that shit ended this week and it did not disappoint.   Here's a quick update on where all the couples ended up after their first year of marriage. 
Couple #1
Kim and Alaska 
Even though these two did not become more rich and famous than Beyonce and Jay-Z, they did stay together at the end of their first year of marriage.   But they were also basically in a long distance relationship what with Alaska working in LA and Kim living in New York.  Kim mostly spent the season whining about the fact that Alaska was always leaving her and he mostly spent the season being a dick to her for whining about it.  But these two did melt my ice cold heart whenever Alaska would talk about his late mother.  Apparently, he rarely talks about her and hasn't really dealt with her death, because when he does, he gets far too emotional.  He and Tina (see below) who also lost her mom should start a support group for D list reality TV stars who've lost a parent.  Based on what I heard in the Reunion Special (which was just another episode of Watch What Happens Live) these two have now permanently moved to LA, which means Kim gave up her career as a stylist in New York.  Don't feel too bad for her, it looked like she was styling fashion shows in people's basements.

Couple #2
Kathryn and John
These two ended the season the way they started: as my least favorite couple.  I just really hated how amused John was with himself all the time, even though his jokes were mean and stupid and not even funny.  His relationship with his sister was creepy and he called Kathryn fat like a bunch of times when she was PREGNANT.  That's right, by the time they celebrated their first anniversary, they had a three month old honeymoon baby boy.   Also, remember how Kathryn struggled with being a housewife and giving up her career in Manhattan?  Well, John decided to throw her a bone by giving her one of his businesses to operate: a tanning salon.  Apparently, she did a great job and business is booming, but it all just feels like it's out of an episode of King of Queens.  But their biggest (lamest) battle this season was over a pool table that Kathryn wanted John to get rid of.  And since marriage is all about compromise and since this storyline bored the shit out of me, the pool table got moved to the basement.  Side note: I still cried my eyes out when their baby was born. 

Couple #3
Tina and Tarzu
I did my homework on Tina (AKA Indian pop-star) and none of my Indian friends on Facebook had ever even heard of her.  WTF.  And I mean, I have a lot of Indian friends.  SO....she's not famous.  At all.  Tina and Tarzu dealt with a lot of drama their first year including a boring sex life, followed by a miscarriage (tears!)  But nothing was more dramatic and insane than everything that happened with Tina's dad.  Shit got real, you guys.  So just to recap, Tina's mom died of cancer four years ago and her dad has never recovered...until he met Heather.  Some young blonde he hooked up with at the gym who is all about PDA.  Tina loses her shit when she meets Heather, while Tarz just looks like a very confused robot per usual.  Then, like a couple weeks later, Tina's dad tells her he's getting married... but get this: not to Heather.  To some middle-aged Indian woman named Sima who Tina has never met.  Tina goes ape shit-- perhaps because all the extra lip-liner has seeped into her brain, but she eventually pulls it together for her dad and they all have fun dancing at his wedding.  At the reunion special, we learned that Tina and Tarz had a baby boy two weeks ago, but they couldn't reveal his name, because Us Weekly was going to reveal it the next day.  I loved the look on Andy Cohen's face when Tina mentioned that.  Um, they named the kid "Tarz David."  If you recall, David is Tarzu's real name. 

Couple #4
Jeff and Blair
These two remained my favorite couple, because they had a lot of relationship breakthroughs during the season.   Their biggest obstacle during their first year of marriage was that Blair always wants to have sex and Jeff never wants to have sex (even though he takes great joy in admitting that he masturbates three times a day.  He's rubbed his penis raw, no wonder he doesn't want to have sex!)  They go to a sex counselor to work out their issues and even though it's slightly awkward (and funny) to watch them role play, they manage to make out and Jeff tells Blair he wants to ravage him when they get home.  The most devastating storyline for these two was the fact that Jeff's family completely disowned him after he came out of the closet and declined an invitation to their wedding.  At the reunion special, we sadly learned that they did watch the show and sent Jeff a scathing letter to voice their disapproval.  Poor Jeff.  And strangely they yelled at him for being mean to his newborn brother when he was three years old.  How Jeff turned out so sweet and nice and so open about discussing his inclination to jerk off three times a day on national television is beyond me. 

Best scene from Newlyweds this season.  Is this fake?  WTF.:


  1. Come on. This show is super fake. Those scenes between Tina and her dad? So scripted and poorly acted. Embarrassing for everyone!

  2. WAIT. If this is fake than i really think Tina should win an academy award.

  3. You think her acting was that good? The scene with the dad made no sense. Obviously scripted; no one would act that ridiculous, and her tears and histrionics were right out of "B movie acting 101." And she is some kind if weird entertainer, right? That blonde woman with the dad was pretty bad, too. All reality shows are at least loosely scripted, as I am sure you know, but I think this is one of the most obvious examples.

  4. No. I don't believe it. I won't believe it.

  5. Blair is the best one so funny and full of life not like his bore of a partner