Monday, June 24, 2013

Should We Really Break Our Dating Patterns?

I've been thinking a lot about the types of men that I'm attracted to.  I have a few friends, who mind you are single themselves, that tell me that I need to look for a different "type" of guy.  My initial reaction to their advice was hesitant.  Why?  Yes, I'm still single...aren't most women in LA at my age?  But the reason that I go for these guys is because I like them.  So I did a little experiment.

I analyzed the most common traits in my past mates (sorry, had to throw in a rhyme), I notice that it isn't so much that I generally go for men with similar physical traits, but mostly personality traits.

First off, I like men in the entertainment industry.  Apparently, again according to my friends, that's my first problem.  For those of you not familiar with people that work in "Hollywood" outside of actors there's a general theme that most of the men that work in the industry were dorks in high school and for most of their lives and have become successful in the industry later in life.  That means that regardless of their current success they still feel like the uncool, insecure kids that they were and they are always looking for validation.  That usually translates into a lack of desire for commitment because they are always looking for the BBD aka Bigger Better Deal.  They don't want to settle down because they feel like someone better that could make them feel more validated might be around the corner and due to their new status in life they now have a shot.

But here's my problem, I also like these guys.  They are usually very ambitious and sharks.  They go for what they want and they don't stop until they get it.  I find this very attractive.

I also somehow usually end up liking guys that drive BMWs.  Before you sigh and think to yourself, "She's so superficial.  That's why she can't find a good guy," let me explain.  I don't seek out men that drive a specific car but when I look back I realize that a majority of the guys I've liked/dated/hooked up with have unintentionally been owners of this specific make of vehicle.  I'm attributing this to the fact that the guys that possess the personality traits that I like tend to like these cars.

Aside from the positive ambitious side to their personalities they have the above flaws.  I also tend to like a bit of a bad boy and guys that take risks and keep things interesting.  Again, these are also combined with men that don't want to settle least at their current stage of life.

Are these all good things?  No.  And I freely admit that.  But when I was recently asked to go out on a blind date with a nice, kinda nerdy guy that went to UPenn and works in finance I hesitated.  I had more information than those general particulars, but I just knew that my personality wouldn't mesh with his.  Yes, I have to be more open, but why should I waste my time with someone when I know I'm going to be bored and it won't work out?

My conclusion is that patterns are patterns for a reason.  There are a few that are dangerous and immature that of course everyone needs to break but we can't change who we are or what we find attractive in the opposite sex.  And going for something other than what we really want is settling.

I'm trying to change some of my patterns but my intuition is telling me not to change them all.  I'm just trying to morph them into healthier patterns without losing the qualities that make my heart flutter.

What do you think about patterns and changing them?


  1. Before i met my husband, my type was sensitive/artsy/emotionally tortured types who had no idea what they wanted one minute to the next. by moving away from my pattern, I discovered I could find a guy that possessed all the qualities I liked about the artsy guys without any of the baggage. I hate to think what my life would be like right now if I had never given him a chance b/c he didn't fit the mold. I think your friends may be suggesting you break your pattern, because it does sound like you're attracted to guys who are non-committal when it comes to relationships. at a certain point, we all need to get a little deeper when it comes to what we're looking for and maybe even cast a wider net-- any douche bag in LA can lease a BMW, but not all of them are going to be caring husbands and fathers.

  2. okay, wait i need to add more cause i keep thinking about this post! i think what's basically important is to be open to other guys, but to find someone who at his core does have the things you are looking for. Whether that's ambition or a little bit of edge (which i take to mean you like someone that's not boring). You def should not have to compromise yourself completely just to be with someone!