Wednesday, June 5, 2013

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 2

So far this season of The Bachelorette is God-awful.  They should honestly change the name of the show to The Bachelorette: Douchebag edition.  I know we've seen our fair share of douchey douches every season, but does anyone else feel like Princess Athena has a shitload of them this year?  It's like they threw in two normal guys with a bunch of Jersey Shore rejects.  If ABC wants to know why the ratings are low, it's because all of these guys are lame-asses and they only showed Latin Lover Juan Pablo for ten seconds.  Who the fuck is editing this shit??  I will cut them.

All of that said, I think I'm falling in love with Mikey T.  No one saw this coming.  Especially not me.

Anyway.  The episode begins with Chris Harrison downing four Prozacs with a shot of whiskey to help him get through the day-- okay, so that happened off camera, but we all know it did happen. After his daily cocktail, Harrison arrives at the house and explain the rules of the game to the guys who clearly know how this shit works because they are apparently Bachelor Super Fans.  In this episode-- there will be two one on one dates and one group date.  At this point, I fall off the couch and have a full-fledged seizure because my brain can't keep up with any of this.  Wait, did he say three one on one dates and two group dates?  I'm so confused.

Brooks gets the first one on one date.  No surprise there.  He's tall and appears normal.  I also smell a little bit of aspiring actor, but all guys with dimples want to be actors, so more power to him.  There's still something off about Brooks for me.  I think his voice doesn't match his face.  And sometimes he sounds a tiny bit gay.  And his mouth is kind of crooked, but so is Princess Athena's, so they will hae perfectly crooked mouth rugrats someday.

Des shows up to pick Brooks up on their date in her baby blue Bentley.  I am not joking, I think this car gets more screen time than Desiree.  And I think it's a front-runner for the final rose.  I know Des is supposed to be an aspiring designer, but WTF was up with her outfits this episode?  Why all the hot pink, why?  She seriously looked like she walked off the set of Melrose Place (the ORIGINAL Melrose Place.)

Des and Dimples first date was basically a greatest hits compilation of bachelor dates.  First, they go to one of the cheesiest wedding dress boutiques on Wilshire to try on tuxes and dresses (been there, done that with Ashley and JP).  I need to know if this is where Des worked, because every time I drive by this place, I think the dresses are disgusting.  I don't understand why ABC thinks we think that watching a girl try on wedding dresses on a first date is romantic.  It's not.  It's straight up psycho.  When it comes to female fantasies, I personally think multiple orgasms trump wedding.  But that's just me.  After these two pick out there wedding outfits they drive up to the Hollywood sign in her Bentley (been there done that with Ali and Frank).  Des tells Brooks why the Hollywood sign has special meaning to her and for a second, I think I'm watching the sequel to Showgirls.  Brooks acts like Des is all deep and profound, but to me she just sounds as stupid and naive as everyone that moves to LA.  They make out and I can't decide if it's hot or really uncomfortable.  Worst part about this whole date is that Des does not fall to her death off of the sign.

Later that night, Des drives her Bentley through a rough part of LA and spontaneously decides to turn down a blocked road.  Brooks pretends like he's all confused and nervous as they move the signs away, but as they drive down the road: SURPRISE!   Purple lighting, chandeliers, a bedazzled table cloth, dinner for two!  During dinner, poor little dimple face opens up to Des about his parent's divorce and how he basically didn't see his dad through his teen years at all.  He's obviously very emotional and Des just gives him the smile and nod the whole time.  And just like that, I am convinced that she's actually a robot created by the people in the Walt Disney Imagineering department.  To be fair, Emily the Hoodrat and Ashley Cupcake were also pretty shitty about appearing interested during sob stories, but if some guy told me about his broken home, I'd at least get a little teary eyed.  I think these girls are just annoyed when they don't get to talk about themselves.  Des gives him the date rose to shut him up. 

After dinner, Dimples and Des are treated to a private concert by some band I've never heard of but I've totally guilty of listening to their one hit song when it comes on the radio.  I like Brooks because he's really earnest and seems genuinely into Des.  I think...dare I say it...that he's there for the right reasons.

SIDE NOTE: THERE ARE NO RIGHT REASONS TO GO ON THIS HORRIBLE SHOW.

My favorite part of this date is when Brooks is getting interviewed and he says: Strap on your seatbelts, it's going to be an awesome ride.  WHAT?  I thought you had to strap on your seatbelt if it was going to be a bumpy ride, but not an awesome ride. 

Time for the most excruciating group date in Bachelorette history.  Des and the guys are going to make a rap video.  First of all, I hope Soulja Boy has joined the witness protection program after participating in this.  I'm not sure how much street cred he had before, but now he has none.  I'm scared for him.  I think rappers from the east coast, the west coast, hotlanta, the north pole, and the south pole are going to try to kill him.

There are so many embarrassing things about this whole date, but I have to say that if my heart went out to anybody, that person would be Will.  Proving once again that he is the whitest black man that ever lived, he can't dance.  Soooo...I'm just putting it out there, but remember that horribly racist film Soul Man with C Thomas Howell, where he takes pills to make himself black so he can get into college?  Well, I think Will might really be a white guy that took pills to make himself black so he could fill the one black man quota on The Bachelorette.  It's okay Will.  Your secret is safe with me.

Anyway, they make some video called The Right Reasons which is basically some terrible rap song possibly written by Willow Smith that spoofs past Bachelorette contestants.  And the worst part is?  These guys totally know all the Bachelors they're spoofing.  I'm telling you.  They are Super Fans.  Nothing much happens on this date except that Des wears some slutty ass outfits, does the world's most embarrassing rap, and makes everyone mad by hanging out with Ben Daddy a lot.  Honestly, I don't understand what she sees in this guy at all.  He's sort of cute, but as far as I can tell, he has the personality of a pet rock.

Oh, this is also the date that I kind of fall in love with Mikey T.  Guys, I don't know what it is about him.  I think he's 51% angel, 49% douche.  He's got that Italian-Mobster thing going for him, but he seems goofy and nice and stands up for himself when he's the victim of a Bachelor injustice.  More importantly: where the fuck is Juan Pablo?!

Cocktail party time.  This plays out like every single cocktail party ever.  The guys are all freaked out that they won't get enough time with Desiree and they all want the rose.  Mikey T reads Ben Daddy the riot act for interrupting him and Des while they were in the middle of a conversation and says he gets a politician vibe from him (You tell him, Mikey T!)  Ben is just straight-up creepy.  It's so obvious that he's using his son as a ploy to hump Des in a fantasy suite.  Down with Daddy Ben!

Oh, wait.  I totally forgot.  Remember Zak "Will you accept these abs" crazy eyes?  Well, he's actually totally normal in this episode.  So normal in fact that he may have multiple personality disorder.  He did one of the sweetest things I've seen on this show by presenting Princess Athena with an antique journal with like this really beautiful inscription from a dad to his daughter.  I'm guessing the daughter died immediately after in a tragic accident, because she did not write anything in the journal.

Later, Brandon plays his trump card by telling Des his sob story about his absenteee dad and his drug addicted mother and how he had to take care of his siblings (pretty sure he was actually raised by his grandparents, but whatever).  Des fights the urge to take a power nap and ends the evening by giving the date rose to Ben.  I am now convinced that the producers tell the Bachelor/ette who to give the roses to.  It just can't be a coincidence that the person that all the contestants hate always gets the rose!

Time for another one on one date.  Bryden is the lucky guy, which is no surprise because usually the person with some sort of tragic past gets to have a one on one date pretty early on (remember one arm Sarah getting the first one on one date with Whitey McWhiteSean?)  Since the Bentley didn't get to make an appearance on the group date, Princess Athena and Homeland Bryden get to take it on a road trip.  Des wears hot pink for the third time in this episode.  WTF.  Hot pink needs to be outlawed as a color.  ABC makes it look like they are going on some super long road trip, but let me break it down for you guys.  It's only about an hour and ten minute drive from Malibu to Ojai.  I'd like to know what time these crazy kids are driving up there, because they somehow don't get stuck in any Los Angeles traffic.

This date is pretty effing boring.  They run around on some beach, then frolic through some Orange Grove which Princess Athena describes as PRETTTTTTYYYYY.  Then, they go to some resort in Ojai and over dinner, Homeland makes the mistake of telling Des that he got into some terrible truck accident that totally fucked him up so bad he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to join the military.  Holy crap, this guy has like five sob stories!  Was it just me or did Robot " I have no feelings" Des seriously look like she was about to laugh the whole time he was telling her about all the injuries he suffered?  PLEASE, PLEASE let us find out that Bryden was brain washed by Abu Nazir and that he's going to blow up The Bachelorette house with everyone in it by the end of the season.  (if you don't get that joke, then call your cable provider and catch up on Homeland.) Bryden gets one step closer to his terrorist plot when he receives a rose. 

Homeland Bryden also gets to be the first guy to get in a hot tub with Des and even I will admit that his awkwardness in the hot tub, followed by her telling him to "kiss her already" was kind of cute.  These two could have potential.

Rose Ceremony/Cocktail Party Time!  I don't know if I'm just losing my mind completely, but I kind of sort of liked Des's dress.  Probably because I was just happy it wasn't hot pink.  Two important things happened during the cocktail ceremony:

#1 Des (who is starting to look like Catherine Zeta-Jones) gets some alone time with Brian who tells her that his last relationship ended a couple months ago.  This is important, because I'm pretty sure that next week it's his cray-cray girlfriend that shows up to yell at him.

#2 Michael G decides that he needs to tell Des he has type one diabetes, because it would be totally effed up of her to send him home on the night he tells her he can't have sugar.  But things don't go exactly as planned, because in the middle of this intense story about getting sick as a teenager, Daddy Ben shows up to take Des away.  This is a major bachelorette no-no, because he already has a rose.  Can someone please find out for me if the Bachelorette has to always allow guys to steal her away?  I've honestly never seen a single contestant say: can you come back later?  We're in the middle of a really important conversation.  And Des looked like such an asshole by peacing out during the Diabetes convo.

Anyway, Ben steals Des away and they make out some more and he talks about how they have a secret now.  Sounds kind of like something a child molester would say.  Michael G is pissed and like any good federal prosecutor he states his case to the rest of the guys.  This is kind of juicy because we find out that Daddy Ben NEVER talks about his son to the other guys and that what he does love to talk about is his bar and his various business ventures.  HOLY SHIT, you guys!!!!  Daddy Ben is NOT there for the right reasons, even though he liked rapped about how he was there for the right reasons.  This shit is crazy.  The guys end up confronting Ben and he actually kind of apologizes, because he's afraid Mikey T will break his knees.  

Rose ceremony time.  Three guys are sent home tonight: the guy that invented sign spinning that didn't even get a date in this epsidoe (why not just have all the guys on the group date, I don't get it), some white guy with a big head whose name I don't remember, and poor secretly white Will.  Proving once again that this show is fully funded by the KKK.  I feel bad for Will, because I still think he's probably the most decent guy there, but since Des's brother might be a neo-nazi, family holidays would play out like a really bad Tyler Perry movie (or a really good one?)

Here's hoping that next week they change the rules and we get to watch a two hour long one on one date with Juan Pablo and Des's Bentley.

Guys, Chris Harrison sort of raps. I have no words:

1 comment:

  1. oh god, Sara. I'm dying laughing right now. hysterical post.

    "First of all, I hope Soulja Boy has joined the witness protection program after participating in this. I'm not sure how much street cred he had before, but now he has none. I'm scared for him. I think rappers from the east coast, the west coast, hotlanta, the north pole, and the south pole are going to try to kill him."

    That is the EXACT same thought I had running through my mind when I watched that episode. good lord it was cringeworthy.

    ReplyDelete