Wednesday, June 12, 2013

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 3

This episode was cray-cray for a variety of reasons.  I will say it was much improved from last week (aside from the ridiculously long Lone Ranger commercial, we'll get to that later) but lots of shit went down.  The show begins with Chris Harrison arriving to the Herpes House to deliver the first date card.  I could be totally wrong here, but the format this week actually was a little different.  Instead of two one-on-one dates and one group date, we got two group dates and only one one-on-one date?  You follow?  Honestly, I could barely make sense of anything that was going on throughout the show due to this change.  It was like the whole thing was in Cantonese. 
So, first group date.  The guys arrive to meet Des (AKA David Bridal, thank you loyal reader for the suggestion) and guess the fuck what?  Bitch is wearing hot pink, AGAIN!  I swear to Chris Harrison, ABC must have done some research and discovered that the fly over states love hot pink.  There is no other explanation for how often it appears throughout the course of this episode.  New drinking game: Chug whenever you see someone wearing hot pink.

The guys learn that they will be playing a game of dodge ball.  They're introduced to the very serious members of the dodgeball league in LA. These guys looked like they were about to battle the Viet Cong.  It's kind of fun to see the guys get pummeled by rubber balls, but then something CRAZY happens.  Chris Harrison shows up.  WTF.  He already worked once today.  Give the poor man a break.  Sadly, he is not wearing a hot pink turtleneck.  He arrives to inform the guys that they will now be playing a game against each other.  They will be divided into two teams, the hot pink team and the hot pink team.  Just kidding.  It's the red and blue team and whoever wins gets to spend more time with Des.  But the game is going to take place in public at the Americana mall in Glendale.

First of all, I wish I knew about this because that mall is close to where I live.  I totally would have shown up and cheered on Mikey T.  He would have seen me, fallen in love, left Des, and we would have run away to Sicily together.  But I digress.  The guys end up wearing ridiculous outfits for the game (pictured above).  What was really important about this date was that some new hot guys emerged from the pack.  Like, I never knew Chris and Drew had such toned arms.  But the game gets really dangerous and scary and intense when Brooks breaks....a finger.  A motherfucking finger.  Not a leg.  Not an arm.  Not his neck.  His finger.  But you would've thought he'd been shot five times in the chest.  Ugh, Brooks.  MAN UP.  You just know Mikey T would have kept playing with a broken finger.  Brooks gets rushed to the hospital and the game continues without him.

I totally forgot!  Chris Harrison was the sports commentator during the whole game, proving once again that he hates his job and he's really hoping someone from ESPN will tune in and hire him.  The blue team ends up winning, but because David Bridal loves more of the guys on the red team, she decides everyone can come to the cocktail party.  In other words, this entire game was a totally pointless giant waste of time.

Back at the hospital, Brooks is in critical condition in ICU and they've brought in a priest to read his last rites.  Okay, not really, but supposedly he did pass out after having to get his finger realigned.  No comment.  Actually, one comment.  I noticed he was a little handsy with the other players on the red team.  I'm just saying.

At the cocktail party, Brad takes Princess David Bridal aside because he has a past he needs to tell her about.  WAIT.  Brad has a past?  I didn't even know Brad existed until now.  Seriously, have we ever seen this guy before?  Anyway, we find out he has a three year old son and that his ex is some crazy drunk bitch that would probably make Des's life hell or...might be the perfect match for her brother.  Anyway, I can't not swoon over a single dad who has full custody of their kid.  And I appreciate the fact that Brad didn't bring Maddox out of the limo with him as bait to get Desiree to love him (ahem, Ben the politician.)

Back at the house, the next date card arrives and we learn Kasey will get the next one on one date.  Oh no.  hashtag his ass is going to get sent home.

So, the dark horse finally emerged on this date.  Chris!  Chris has been one of my favorites since day one.  I don't know why.  He just has nice guy face.  Des takes him aside, because he like smiled at her all day and she liked that.  I honestly think Chris is on this show because he's too shy to ask a girl out on a date in a normal setting.  The two of them are actually pretty cute together, but then Brooks shows up to get Des to kiss his finger and make it better.  Chris gets all kinds of jealous and my fave part is the look on his face when Des is handing out the rose.  He fully expects Brooks to get it, but she gives it to him!  Yay!  I think he's just in shock, but Chris kind of looks like he doesn't care at all.  Check out this video to see what I'm talking about:
Chris (who is so non-descript and normal that I can't for the life of me give him a nickname) and Des get a private concert from some chick I've never heard of who actually has a pretty voice.  They slow dance and make out while the other guys watch them-- which, side note, all the voyeurism on this show is really creepy.  I would be less creeped out if the guys had a circle jerk while she was in the middle of her private concert.

Back at her Bachelorette Malibu Mansion, Des is finally wearing muted colors!  The phone rings and shocker-- it's Chris Harrison.  I hope they paid the man overtime for this episode.  Anyway.  Chris tells her that one of the guys on the show actually has a girlfriend.  I'm kind of upset that they don't bring Emily Hoodrat, backwoods, west Virginia on the show just to confront this guy, but hopefully Des will hold her own.  She hops into her Bentley to give this guy a piece of her mind (side note: I hope in the finale episode, David Bridal and her fiance fly into the sky in the Bentley like at the end of Grease.)

Des arrives at the house and takes Brian outside.  BTW, he was totally wearing hot pink shorts to impress her.  Rather than confront him right off the bat, Des decides to give the guy another opportunity to lie on camera and talk about how his last relationship ended.  And then, the show turns into an episode of Maury Povich.  Harrison and Brian's girlfriend come charging into the house to confront him.  So, the whole thing is a little confusing to me for a variety of reasons.  Stephanie (Bri's gf) claims that they are still together and that Brian told her he was coming to LA for a conference and that they should just take a break, but that they should grab dinner on May 10th or some shit like that.  (A conference?  Like a two month long conference?)  Steph tried to break up with Brian but he insisted they just go on a break (i.e. so he could have something to come back to after he got the boot from Des.)  We also find out that Stephanie has a son named Donovan and now she doesn't know what to tell him.

The whole thing is pretty insane and chaotic.  And don't get me wrong, this Brian guy is a douche bag BUT his GF seems just a little intense.  It takes a special person to want to confront a guy on television.  We also learn that they've had a rocky relationship (pun intended) because one time Stephanie threw rocks at him.  But they also boned like right before Brian came on the show, which is a total no-no for Des.  Oh, please.  I'm sure 99% of these guys made sure to get laid before coming on the show.  It's like two months of no sex for them before the fantasy suite date.  Anyway, the part that was frustrating about this whole sequence was that the show didn't really give Brian an opportunity to explain himself.  We didn't even get an exit interview as he was driven off in the van!  I mean, how could he rap about the right reasons if he wasn't there for the right reasons?!  Now we'll never know.  Stephanie and Des give each other hugs and Stephanie slips Chris Harrison her headshot so that she can be the next Bachelorette.

Meanwhile, the guys are all reeling after Ben leaves and they talk about how they all left family members behind to be here and it's not fair of him to pull this shit, blah blah.  The one interesting part of this scene is that one of the guys says "we left sons, daughters..."  WHO THE FUCK HAS A DAUGHTER?  More importantly, Brandon (my dad left, my mom does drugs!) starts to cry, because he can totally identify with Stephanie's kid Donovan, cause he had to deal with guys who left his mom when he was a kid.  Everyone leaves him.  It reminded me of one of my favorite scenes from Friday Night Lights, except for the fact that Matt Saracen is wearing a shirt under his hoodie:
Brandon just needs a Coach Taylor in his life!

Anyway, poor little enthusiastic #Kasey finally gets his one on one date.  This guy is sweet, but there's really not much to say about this date.  First they go to the Andraz hotel on the Sunset Strip to do some cool window dancing.  This looked like a ton of fun to me, but I would probably accidentally pee my pants and the pee would fly all over the place.  Assuming I was doing it while wearing a skirt and no underwear.  Kasey is a good sport about it and luckily there are no metaphors about how if the two of them can dance on the side of the building, well, then they can survive anything together.

The nighttime portion of the date begins, but then it gets super windy.  So David Bridal has the brilliant idea that they should go swimming.  It's too cold though so they cover their heads with towels and then start to make out.  Even though I can't even see their faces, I'm cringing over how awkward it feels.  But Des actually ends up giving Kasey the rose!  Even though he's super cheesy, this makes me happy b/c I feel like Kasey is the epitome of the nice guy that never gets the girl.  Hashtag for life!

Right about now is the time I start getting really antsy that we have not seen more of Juan Pablo.  But luckily he is on the next group date.  I'm shocked to see that ABC got even more creative on the transportation angle (ahem, cheap) and instead of sending a helicopter to pick up these guys, they send a stage coach.

The guys arrive to some western set to find Des in a saloon outfit, standing on a balcony.  Some guy "attacks" her and she kicks his butt.  Enter the stunt guys from The Lone Ranger. I get it.  This is going to be a twenty minute commercial for a movie I have zero interest in seeing.  I'll spare you the details, but the guys have to do some stunts and whoever Des thinks does the best job gets to spend some alone time with her.

Here are some highlights: Bryden AKA Homeland looks amazing in a cowboy hat, because you can't see his weird short bangs.  Juan Pablo sticks his tongue out a lot.  Dan splits his pants.

David Bridal picks Juan Pablo as her hero and gives him a badge.  They go to some barn where there is "the popcorn" according to Don Juan de Pablo and they get to watch The Lone Ranger together while we are forced to see clips from the movie as Des talks about how wonderful and exciting it was.  I'm willing to bet they did not actually watch the entire movie.  And apparently, it's not even that good of a film b/c they start making out and I swear I get pregnant just from watching them.

Side note: I'm so confused by Armie Hammer's sudden success as an actor.  When he was on Gossip Girl, he made Blake Lively look like Meryl Streep.

Okay, back to what really matters.  Although Juan Pablo is super hot and someone fixed Bryden's hair which now allows me to focus on his chiseled jaw, Des for some reason gives the date rose to James Soprano.  Even though his father apparently has pancreatic cancer and he's decided to be on The Bachelorette instead of with his dying dad.  I don't understand why this is viewed as some big sacrifice on his part.  If I was Des, I'd be like "honestly, I want to be with the kind of guy that would rather be with his dad.  Peace out."  I'll admit that when James Soprano gives her a daisy after he gets the rose, it's kind of cute.

Next day.  Harrison arrives at the house to tell the guys that in lieu of a cocktail party, they are going to have a pool party.  Basically, this is just an excuse for the men to flaunt their abs and biceps.  But what's really important about the pool party is:


WTF.  I kid you not, I had the exact same tank top in 1998.  It's a girl tank top.  Why is he wearing it?  Why?  And with hot pink shorts?  It should automatically disqualify him from being on the show.  It's awful.  And since he's a total stalker he ambushes Des as soon as she gets to the house and asks her to go on a drive.  When they get back he keeps saying "shhhh, it's our little secret."  Someone please check this man's computer for kiddie porn.

The other guys catch Ben in the act and then they get extra pissed when he lies about talking to David Bridal.  I think Mikey T might murder him in his sleep.  This just proves that guys are as dramatic and weird as girls.  Even though I think Daddy Ben is smarmy and has no personality, I would really like to think we live in a world where he will eventually not get it a rose. 

The only other significant part of the pool party (aside from Brook's really weird dance) is when Brandon goes for the Bachelorette one-two punch.  Here's how it works.  You remind the Bachelorette of your sob story (Brandon gets all emotional as he tells Des that he can really identify with Crazy Stephanie's son Donovan.  Des tries to pretend like she gives two shits.)  THEN you tell the Bachelorette you're falling in love with her.   Even though you've only been on group dates and have had two conversations with her.  And then, if all of that wasn't bad enough you say "can i tell you a secret" and you kiss her.  CRINGE.  After this horribly awkward exchange, Brandon says he's very confident he's getting a rose.  uh-oh.  That's basically the kiss of death.

At the rose ceremony, David Bridal sends Dan and....Brandon home.  Since Brandon has absolutely no self awareness, he's completely shocked and throws a bit of a hissy fit.  I was glad when Desiree went after him, because I was hoping she'd give him a straight answer as to why she sent him home, but instead she just tells him the chemistry isn't there.  UGH.  Why can't she just say, you told me you're falling in love with me and you barely know me-- it's weird, dude.  Poor Brandon.  Everyone leaves him.  I really think Chris Harrison should adopt him and teach him a thing or two about dating.

Anyway, one of the things that was bugging me about this episode was the fact that they are STILL in the moldy, gonorreah ridden Bachelor house.  When are they going to travel to exotic places?  Apparently, I get my wish next week but proving once again that broadcast television is dying and that this show has no budget...they are flying Des and all the guys to...Atlantic City.  Say what?

Do you guys have a favorite guy for Princess David Bridal?  Comment below!  And you can't say her brother.


  1. It's always such a terrible idea to read these at work and try to laugh as quietly as possible.

    1. that is possibly the highest compliment anyone could ever pay me. Thank you anonymous!

  2. I need to add that this post is magical, because I wrote it yesterday and today I saw Matt Saracen at Trader Joe's. I had to resist the urge to run up to him and say I'll never leave you!!!

  3. favorites? man...

    Brooks - i like him but sometimes I get a bit of a gay vibe...but then i also think back to how that dude Ryan/Trista are like the only ones who really made shit work and I think maybe the "sensitive" dude might work out after all...

    Ben - cant stand his smarmy ass. he's such a wang. as soon as anyone confronts him he starts pulling out wussy-ass excuses...

    Juan Pablo...if he didnt have the accent, he would probably not be hot...but I dont see that shit working out since she cant even say his damn name...

    surprisingly, I'm liking Bryden... and Chris...we're getting wiser...the more normal and boring they are, probably have a better chance of actually making crap work. Chris is a mortgage dude...i mean, can't get more boring and un-hollywood than that...

    I actually like that Zak dude too, even though he kinda looks like a living caricature...

    Drew seems nice enough but his face gives me that creepy Pavelka vibe...

    I'm gonna go with final 3 of Brooks, Bryden, Chris....and some other random dude... maybe Zak...

    I think true to fashion...Ben will probably get the boot right before hometown dates...