Wednesday, June 19, 2013

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: Episode 4

This episode started the way all episodes start: with Chris Harrison staring into a mirror, tears streaming down his face, as his interior monologue wonders what became of his life and how he ended up hosting twenty-six cumulative episodes of The Bachelor franchise.  After a few more tears are shed, Harrison slaps himself in the face and tells himself to snap out of it.  Then, he takes a quaalude to cheer himself up.  Wait, I am SO sorry.  That all happened off camera before the show started.

So, Harrison shows up to the House of Herpes to tell the contestants that they will be leaving the house, because it's a toxic waste dump and that in a few days they will probably start losing their hair from all the black mold.  They will start their journey around the world with ---drum roll please-- Hot-Lantic City.  You can tell the guys are like: WTF.  And I'm pretty sure James GoodFellas and Magic Mikey T are a little scared to go to the Boardwalk Empire because they've got some bookies after them.  Side note: I think James Goodfellas is such a meat-head, but am I crazy or did he look completely different when Harrison came to the house?  Like, way hotter?  I think it was because he was going sans hair-product.  It was a good look for him.  Proof:
Anyway.  We get a few shots of Princess Des looking all pensive as she walks through the gorgeous sites of New Jersey.  I have to give the show a little credit this season, because we haven't gotten too many filler "Des thinks about her future husband on the balcony" shots.  I'm sure they will rear their ugly head once there's more time for them.

The guys fly to Atlantic City and at one point it looks like their plane might be on fire, but sadly, there was no plane crash and they all made it to the east coast in one piece (aside from the newly acquired herpes and toxic mold poisoning).  Once they get to the hotel, they find their first date card and it's a one on one date between Desiree and Brian, also known as "we had no idea who you were until last week's episode." I'm worried for Brian.  No one has been sent home yet on a one on one date and this is usually the time in the season that happens.  Last week, I thought Hashtag Kasey would get the boot, but he survived.  And since Single Dad Brian has the personality of a baby tooth, I don't think he's going to make it out of this date alive.

You can also usually tell someone is going to get sent home when their date seems to go super fast.  We get a lot of cheesy quick shots of Princess Des and Single Dad playing games at the boardwalk and going on rides.  Then they go into some chocolate factory where I'm hoping a group of Oompa Loompa's will emerge and drown them in a river of chocolate, but that doesn't happen.

WAIT. HOLY SHIT.  HIS NAME IS BRAD, NOT BRIAN.  Sorry guys.  That's basically a sign of how insignificant this guy was on the show.  Brian was the dude who had a girlfriend that threw rocks at him.

Oh, I forgot to mention that while Des and Brad were on the Ferris wheel, Ben (lover of secrets), Zak Crazy eyes, and some other guy were watching them from their hotel window.  I have no fucking idea how they could tell Brad and Des were on the Ferris wheel from where they were standing and I also don't understand why there's always some rear window shit going on in every episode.  I choose to tell myself that the show producers tell the guys to pull this sexual predator stalker shit. Don't they have anything better to do like wax their chests?

On the nighttime portion of the date, Brad and Des have dinner and it's super-awkward.  I mean, I don't know what's wrong with this guy.  Why isn't he able to have a deep and thought provoking conversation with a girl who has the emotions of a robot, while an entire camera crew films them?!  I feel like Des is one of those girls that's so NOT awkward that it just makes everyone around her feel awkward.

Brad and Des go up to the top of some light house and Des decides that after making the guy go up a hundred stairs, while taking in the views of Atlantic City, now would be the perfect time to piss all over his face and dump him.  And that's what she does.  Single Dads on this show have a handicap, because the Bachelorette always gets to use the "I don't feel right keeping you away from your kid" excuse.  Brad the Dad has to leave the light house on his own and gets super emotional when he leaves.  Honestly, I wasn't really paying attention, but I have a feeling he said something about how all he wants is to find a good mom for Maddox.  Is it just me or is it kind of weird that his name is Brad and he has a kid named Maddox?  What are the chances that he can find a wife named Angelina?!

And now for what might be my favorite group date of all time.  I'm not being sarcastic, guys.  I actually found this group date incredibly entertaining for a variety of reasons.  And not just because of the fact that Chris Harrison had to fly all the way to Atlantic City to host this shit.  I mean, is that really fair to make the man host a show within the show?  It's all so very meta.  Side note, I hate when people say things are meta. I always want to be like: "Meta who?  Meta huh?"  Which also happens to be the name of my new album dropping in August.

The best part of this whole group date was the super cute sorta hipster haircut gay pageant trainer dude.  Who else thinks him and Brooks would make a cute couple?  How amazing would it be if he got to live with the guys and coach them before all of their dates?  I have faith that he would tell Ben (lover of secrets) that he should only wear that tank top from last week if he's riding a float during gay pride. 

The pageant was actually pretty funny.  The highlights included: Chris Harrison introducing himself (I'm serious, you hear a voice from off stage saying: "here's your host, Chris Harrison" but it was Chris Harrison's voice), Bryden AKA Homeland doing the major pelvic thrust on the stage so that no one would suspect he's secretly Muslim, the fact that none of the guys have chest hair, Crazy Eyes Zak surprising us once again by singing a pretty song on the guitar (I mean, this was the same guy that said "will you accept these abs"), Chris inexplicably wearing high heels and hula-hooping, learning that Don Juan de Pablo is the one who has a daughter, and Magic Mikey T lamenting over how unfair it is that ladies think he's a meat-head and then five minutes later doing a ridiculously meat-headed strip tease.  Even Brooks managed to play a ukulele despite his amputated arm, I mean, broken finger.  (maybe he and One Arm Sarah from Sean's season should hook up!)  Oh, also, Juan Pablo can toss a baton.  Um, someone said a memo to KCB, stat!  They could get naked and toss batons together.  Wait, that sounds dirtier than I intended. 

But I digress.  Once again I was stunned when hashtag Kasey was crowned Mr. America.  I thought this guy would get the boot in the first episode, but he seems to continue to charm Princess I Grew Up Poor.

At the cocktail party, the guys get all butt-hurt when Ben talks to Desiree like 500 feet in front of them.  I'm not sure why they're so upset.  Ben is just saving them the time and energy from having to spy on them through some window or a potted plant display.  I'm 10,000% positive that Katie Holmes sees right through Ben and this season is desperate for conflict and that's why he's sticking around.  I absolutely love it every time the guys say they've heard Ben talk about his bar more than he's talked about his kid.  AMAZING.

Anyway, Crazy Eyes Zak gets the rose for playing Des the rest of his song (which I'm pretty sure he got the melody from The Black Crowes song She Talks to Angels).  I'm happy for Zak Attack.  I'm not sure he'll make it much further, but he's definitely the most improved.  But I have to say, my favorite these days is Chris.  He's cute, funny, normal, AND he writes poetry.  He's def going to make it in the top 4, fo sho.

Once again, the lack of screen time for Don Juan de Pablo was a national tragedy.  No wonder the ratings are down, ABC.

I love how during the group date, James Goodfella was chilling in the hotel solo, drinking wine and taking a bubble bath in preparation for his one on one date.  If this was a Martin Scorcese movie, now would be the time that Joe Pesci would walk in, drown him in the tub and then shoot him in the head, all while the song Walk Like a Man by the Four Seasons played.

Okay, time for Princess Poor Kid and James to go on their one on one date.   They get to ride a helicopter to tour....the wreckage of Hurricane Sandy.  Wah-wah.  This date was a total downer.  Don't get me wrong, it was also really upsetting, but like I've moved on to the Oklahoma Tornado.  Jk, guys. Jk.  Honestly though, it just really bothers me to witness this through Desiree's eyes, because she's a ROBOT.  Maybe she just has some disease of the tear ducts and that's why she can never cry?  And was it just me or was James most depressed over the destroyed rollercoaster?  Des and Goodfella then go to meet a couple whose house was destroyed in the hurricane, but luckily they survived.

Enter: Manny and Jan.  The best thing to ever happen to The Bachelorette franchise ever.  I mean, I would have been perfectly happy watching just two hours of them eating dinner together.  They were adorable and so in love!  I'm not sure why they were so star struck when they saw Des, because I'm guessing they were probably too busy dealing with the fact that their entire house had to be gutted rather than, you know, tuning into The Bachelor every week, but what do I know.  As it turns out, Manny and Jan had to spend their 38th anniversary at a Red Cross shelter, so Des "spontaneously" decides that she and Goodfella should give them their date.

Let me break it down for you, less savvy TV viewers.  This was totally pre-planned.  Production runs on a tight schedule, you can't just last minute be like "hey, we're gonna give Manny and Jan our date, can you find some pizza place we can go to instead and hire an extra crew to film it all?"


Anyway, Manny and Jan have their adorable dinner date and get to ride in a limo for the first time.  And the Red Cross also presents them with a restored version of their wedding album.  TEARS!  Guess who doesn't cry during any of this?  Robotic Des. I don't care if she wasn't there, she still should have been crying.  Here's a video of my new favorite couple.  I really wish ABC would fire Chris Harrison and hire Manny to host the show from now on.
Meanwhile, back at the pizza place, James decides he needs to reveal something about his past to Des.  OMG.  He's totally been in jail!  I knew it!  Ugh, no.  It turns out he cheated on his girlfriend when he was a freshman in college after five and a half years of dating (so...they were 13 when they got together?)  I'm not really sure why James thought it was a good idea to tell Desiree this.  She's a little turned off by it, but says she's glad that he was honest with her.  Personally, I think he was afraid his ex and Chris Harrison would ambush him in the pizza place so he decided to come clean.  Next week, we'll apparently learn that Goodfella just wants to be the next Bachelor.  Um, no one is going to take that away from Mikey T. 

Later, Des and James crash Manny and Jan's date and they all slow dance to a song by Hootie from Hootie and the Blowfish (I'm sorry, Darius but you will always be Hootie to me.)

All I can say about this date is: MANNY AND JAN FOREVER.

Finally!  Time for the rose ceremony!  The fake suspense during the cocktail party is that Bryden thinks he may decide to go home, because he's not feeling it with Des or rather he doesn't think she's feeling it with him.  In other words, he hates Ben more than he likes Des.  I love it.  The man survived Iraq, but he can't deal with being on this terrible awful reality show.  I love when the dudes say things like "Bryden isn't really enjoying this process" uh-- you mean, being on the worst show on television?!  Personally, I think he's having second thoughts about making a deal with Abu Nazir to bomb the show.   

We have to sit through a terrible scene of Michael G awkwardly telling Des all the things he likes about her while spelling her name in the process.  God, Michael G-- we already know you're a federal prosecutor, you don't have to rub it in the faces of the other guys that you know how to spell too!

Anyway, the only person that doesn't get a rose at this ceremony is the other Zach (who?  Exactly.)  He's finally sent home and is the only person in the whole room that seems to be shocked by it.  Oh, and after fake hesitating, Bryden does accept Des's rose-- which is good, because he is wicked hot when he doesn't wear his hair like he's trying out for a role in Dumb & Dumber & Dumbest.

Next week the show goes to Munich, Germany.  YES!  Finally, some place cool.  And I think Des actually ends up getting surgery on her tear ducts, because she actually cries.   It's about freaking time.  Now that we're getting later in the season, here are my guesses for the top three.  I honestly, I would have done a top four, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out the fourth guy. 


Who do you guys think we'll make it to the fantasy suite?  Comment below!


  1. Is Des short for Destitute instead of Desiree?

  2. Anonymous, you are a motherf**cking genius. That is forever her new nickname.