Wednesday, June 26, 2013

The Bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: Episode 5

The H-Bomb told me that I was rambling too much in last week's post and that it felt more like stream of consciousness, so I apologize for that dear readers.  I will do my best to step it up this week, but I'm afraid I've maybe lost my sense of humor about this show.  Here goes:

The guys arrive in Munich, Germany sporting a colorful array of hooded zippies.  Luckily, we've been seeing less hot pink on the show as of late, but hoodies are apparently the new button downs when it comes to douche bag guys.  Case in point (the scarf under the hood look).

Des(titute) wears some terrible outfit as she wanders around Germany.  This is her first time in Europe, because lest you forget, her family was poor and they could only go on vacation in a trailer.  Hold up.  Does that mean Des was trailer park trash?  Discuss amongst yourselves.  Chris Harrison shows up in the middle of Munich to meet the guys and to give them some terrible news:

There will be a two on one date this week. 

This is where two guys go on a date with Des, but only one of them gets a rose (you know: two guys, one rose.  One stays, one goes.)  Side note: we have ATM machines and self check out at grocery stores, but ABC still has not perfected a computer to take Chris Harrison's job.  They need to get on that. 

Chris the Poet gets the first one on one date this week and I'm super psyched about it, because he's totally my favorite.  Why?  Because he seems to be the most normal.  And it just baffles me that he's even on this show at all.  Even though he has a Danny Tanner quality to him (Bob Saget in Full House, duh) I still think he's hot.  New drinking game: whenever Des says "I couldn't have picked a better guy" to go on this date with me, drink a bottle of Vodka, then punch yourself in the face.

Chris and Des have one of those classically lame Bachelorette dates where they explore the city, eat sausages, dress up like Hansel and Gretel and then dance in some courtyard for no reason.  Back at the house, Bryden decides once and for all that he would rather get on the first plane back to Iraq and dispose bombs instead of be on The Bachelorette.  Honestly, I'm not sure what Homeland's deal is.   Does he have a bad case of PTSD brought on every time he has to listen to Chris Harrison speak?  Is he afraid he's going to smother Daddy Ben with a pillow if he stays in Munich one day longer?  Anyway.  Bryden decides he needs to leave and he has to tell Destitute immediately.  I'm also confused if he's leaving, because he's not into her, or because he thinks she's into some of the other guys more than she is into him.  The whole thing gets even more confusing when we have to endure a ridiculously lame sequence of Bryden walking all over Munich looking for Chris and Des.  WHAT?  WHY?  He's being followed by cameras.  By the same production crew that's working on the same show that Chris and Des are on that I'm guessing has a very tight and organized production schedule.  Why are they making him pretend like he has to find them? 

Once Bryden does find them in the courtyard place, the music starts to get really scary, the editing starts to get a lot faster, and we get all these close up shots of gargoyles.  Holy crap.  Bryden has a bomb strapped to him!  DESIREE!  Run for your life!  Chris, quick.  Write a poem, stat.  But apparently Bryden's bomb doesn't go off or he never had one in the first place, because after all that build, he just very awkwardly watches Chris and Des dance.  He finally interrupts them and takes Des away to dump her in the middle of her date with another guy.  They have the most unemotional good bye ever and Des is left to wonder why Bryden bothered flying all the way to Munich if he was just going to leave the show.  Um...perhaps because he wanted a free trip to Munich?  I'm hoping he gets to party at least a little before he heads back to Baghdad.  Wait.  The war in Iraq is over?  Shut up!  Since when?

In all seriousness, I'm going to miss Brody Bryden Homeland. He was really hot when he'd brush his Julius Caesar bangs to the side.  And just last week I had put him in my top three.   Damn it, Bryden! You survived a war!  You can survive the Bachelorette.  Come back.

So, while Danny Tanner waits for Des to get back from her conversation with Bryden, he's in a panic that she's going to be really upset and might be crying and that he'll have to figure out what to say to make her feel better.  OMG.  Men.  Why are you so afraid of a crying female?

Back at the house, the group date card arrives and by using the process of elimination, the men are able to figure out that Michael G and Daddy Ben will be against each other on the two on one date.  Awww, shit.  This is going to be good.  Especially since Michael G says he's going to murder Ben on the group date.  Spoiler alert: he does not murder him.  Way to set up our expectations, ABC and not follow through.

During the nighttime portion of their date, Des and the Poet go to some ballroom and have dinner.  I don't know if I'm just blinded by all the hot pink I was exposed to earlier in the season, but I kind of thought Des's dress was really pretty.  Is there something wrong with me?  Chris reads her his latest poem that he wrote on the airplane and I'm pretty sure he stole most of it from a Dr. Seuss book, but it's still really sweet, and Des cries because she's so moved, and because her ex-boyfriend was apparently a non-expressive mute.  Private concerts are the new helicopters this season, because I believe there has been a private concert in every single episode so far.  Some guy sings some song where he rhymes "happy" with "sappy" and Des and Chris slow dance.  Chris says in his interview that he's certainly starting to fall in love with Destitute.  And shucks, I totally believe him.  I LOVE THIS MAN!  Sadly, because he's my favorite, I predict he will be in the final two, but will lose to Brooks.

Group date time.  I'm not gonna lie, I genuinely love the portion of the series when they travel to foreign lands, because shit is so pretty in other countries.  The guys meet Des in the snow and then they take a gondola to the highest peak in Germany.  It's super stunning, y'all.  They meet a token German yodeler and beautiful Don Juan de Pablo calls him a "juggler" then has to learn how to say the word "yodeler."  It's truly a travesty that he has about five minutes of screen time per episode.  I think we need to picket ABC and force them to do a two hour special that's all shots of Juan Pabs.

Destitute and her men go sledding down the mountain and it looks super fun.  Then after having the time of their lives throwing snowballs, they go to this giant igloo mansion to hang out.  Don't get me wrong, this igloo is cool, but it has no windows and that scares me.  Here are the highlights of the group date: we have to watch Brooks and Des make out which also scares me.  I really really want to like this guy, b/c I really think he's going to win, but as one of our loyal readers pointed out, he always looks pale and clammy.  And when they make out, something about it grosses me out.   Des spends some quality time with Magic Mikey T who tries to get her to make a family of snowmen, but then Crazy Eyes Zak starts yodeling and interrupts them.  I can't believe how much this guy has grown on me!   Zak "will you accept these abs" tells her that ten years ago he came to Germany to decide if he wanted to be a priest and ultimately realized that he liked boning too much to take a vow of celibacy. 

Later on, back in the igloo, Destitute makes out with Goodfellas James.  Now, it wouldn't be a proper episode of The Bachelorette if there wasn't someone there to spy on them while they made out.  Brooks walks in on them kissing and you can tell he's all kinds of bummed out about it.  I'm so confused about Des's type.  James is such a meat-head.  I don't get at all why she's into him.  Does she just have an Italian stallion fantasy that she wants to try out in the fantasy suite?

The group date rose ends up going to Brooks and Goodfellas is so upset that he calls his contacts in the mafia and asks them to put a horses head in Brooks's bed later.  You guys think I'm joking, but later in this episode we find out that James runs Chicago!

Time for the dreaded two on one date!  I'm rooting for Michael G because Ben is a smarmy piece of smarm, but Michael clearly has anger management issues, so I'm afraid he's really going to screw this up.  I wouldn't be surprised if Destitute ended up sending them both home.  On the car ride there, Miggity prosecutor (my new nickname for Michael G) drinks scotch and has a bandage on his finger.  Wait, what happened to his finger?  I thought Brooks was the only one with an injury.   Is Magic Mikey T breaking knuckles?

This is maybe the most awkward two on one date ever, because Michael G is like super aggressive about the way he's attacking Daddy Ben.  I mean, to the point where I almost start wanting him to get sent home.  The guys and Des end up taking a "hot tug" around the lake which is basically a hot tub boat.  Amazing.  The best part is that before they get on the hot tug, Michael G thinks it'll be all cool and edgy if he wears his robe belt around his head.  He looks like the freaking Terry Clothed karate kid.

Anyway.  Miggity G keeps accusing Ben of never talking about his kid and not calling him on Easter, blah blah blah.  It's super uncomfortable.  He then presses him to see what happened with his baby mommy and Ben obviously doesn't want to admit it was a one night stand.  THEN, Michael G says that he can relate to Ben's situation, because he had an absentee dad.  SNAP!

Back at the house, it seriously looks like Magic Mikey T and Goodfellas James are about to make out.  I'm shocked that these two have hit it off.  They are so different than each other (please note the sarcasm in this sentence.)  The show then cuts to a scene of Brooks, Drew, Hashtag Kasey, and Chris the Poet discussing the fact that James Goodfellas is, wait for it, not here for the right reasons.  SHOCKER!  Apparently, Kasey and Drew woke up in the car ride home last night to hear James say that he rules Chicago.  That he's going to hook Magic Mikey up with hot girls and they're all gonna go on a boat together.  And that if he makes it in the top four, he has a good chance of being the next Bachelor.  First of all, I think Crazy Eyes Zak might be the front runner to be the next bachelor (I'm not joking), second of all-- why don't these guys learn to keep their mouths shut?  Can't they all just pretend they are here for love?  The guys decide that Destitute needs to know what Goodfellas is really about. 

Back to the two on one date:  Des, Ben, and Michael G go to dinner and things go from bad to worse.  Michael then confronts Ben about not going to church on Easter when all the other guys did.  HOLD UP.  I totally forgot that Des must love Jesus, because I'm pretty sure that was a prerequisite for every woman on Sean's season.  Look, there's nothing wrong with loving Jesus and being "a good christian man" like Daddy Ben would say, but I just feel like if you're super religious, then it's weird that you think God would be okay with you going on The Bachelorette.

But I digress, Daddy Ben can feel himself about to explode, so he decides to bail on dinner for awhile and gather his thoughts.  Des, rightfully so, tells Michael G that he took things too far and then she goes to check on Ben.  It takes me about two seconds to stop feeling bad for Ben, because the guy is so freaking full of shit.  I'm so mad at Michael G for screwing things up so bad!  But Des finally spends some alone time with him and he tells her that Ben never talks about his son and only talks about getting exposure for his bar.  And that's all she needs to hear.  Duh!  The girl has a total ego.  The second she hears a guy isn't really into her, she's going to give him the boot.  In an incredible third act twist, Des gives Miggity the rose and sends Ben on his way.  Is it bad that I have never found Ben more attractive than I did when he went full on douche bag in the limo?  Let's watch:
Rose ceremony time.  I take a tiny little cat nap when Des has her therapy session with Chris Harrison, though I am happy to see the framed photographs of the men make their very first appearance this season!  She does confess to Harrison that if she could kiss any guy right now, it would be Brooks b/c there relationship has gone the furthest.  He is totally the front-runner.  Des also says that she doesn't want to waste her time talking to the dudes, because she knows exactly who she's sending home tonight.  Translation: she has a super early call time tomorrow morning and just wants to go back to her hotel ASAP to get her beauty sleep and order room service and not talk to ten douche bags.

When the guys learn there is going to be no rose ceremony, Drew looks like he's seriously going to vomit all over everything.  This means that he can't tell her that James Goodfella just wants to be the next Bachelor.  What will happen?

With one rose left, it's between the two lovebirds, Magic Mikey and James.  Not a huge surprise but Mikey T gets the boot.  Honestly, he's so lucky he made it this far.  I was convinced he'd go home in the first episode.  And also, I don't even think him and Des ever even kissed.  Am I wrong about that?   I'm going to miss Mikey T.  Our love was fleeting, but it was pure.  Maybe I can move to Chicago and get on one of those boat rides with him and James.  It looks like next week the shit will hit the fan with James, but Des will keep him around, because this season is SO boring and we need James.  We need him to stick around for at least three more episodes, people.

Until next week!


  1. i call this the creepiest episode of bachelorette ever. also, it's the first season of bachelorette i've watched but i'm gonna call it the worst season yet

  2. also usually i think the people who leave these shows on their own are the most sane and normal in real life but bryden has screwed that theory up real bad

  3. it's mostly terrible because they picked a boring bachelorette. She's perfectly nice and pretty, but her personality is blah. They need a funny girl next time. I kind of wanted bryden to be the next bachelor.

  4. I feel like they painted James as the new bad guy, so that they could get rid of Ben. If Des kept Ben around, the guys probably wouldn't of pointed out James's next bachelor speech thing. Two villains in one season is a little too complicated for the Bachelorette writers.

    1. such a good point. honestly, at this point, i wish that tierra from last season was the Bachelorette.

  5. Drew's nickname is LeStat Bateman, the vampire cousin of Patrick.