Tuesday, June 11, 2013

the cool girl BLOW OFF

Last year, I read this passage in a book and it's stayed with me ever since.  On the off chance you haven't read it, I can't say what book, because it could end up being a spoiler.  But read this shit regarding the "cool girl":

“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl."

WHAT?!  Mind. Blown.  When I first ventured out into the real world of dating (this is dating post-college, anything before is like the PSAT of dating) I prided myself on being a "cool girl."  I've since grown way out of it (just ask the H-bomb) but it still pisses me off that it is still considered the defining compliment.  So, to really drive this point home, here are a few more things you can expect from a typical cool girl:

We never get mad if you have to change plans last minute, invite your friends along on a date, or cancel altogether because you're too tired to hang out.  We're cool like that.

You totally don't ever have to pay for dinner.  We make our own money.  It's cool. 

You don't want to go down on us after we just got lock jaw from going down on you?  No worries!  We wouldn't want to stick our face down there either.  Gross.  Plus, you could get throat cancer.  And that would be so uncool.

You want to see other people?  DUH!  So do we.  In fact, we already thought we were seeing other people.  We're fucking cool like that.

You want to do it from behind, slap my ass, call me a little whore the whole time, then jiz all over me?  No problem.  We're totally sexually open.  Cause we're SO cool. 

You and your friends are going to a strip club.  HELL YES.  We love the idea of you ogling girls with huge boobs and tiny little G strings.  Here, take these dollar bills.  WE insist.  We're cool.  And secure.  We are totally secure.

Get it?  

You generally respond by telling us how cool and low maintenance we are.  How all the other girls you've dated have been "crazy" and that it's so refreshing to date someone sane for once (translation:  it's so nice to meet a girl that's a total push over and let's me do whatever I want without ever questioning it or asking me to go above the bare minimum of the boyfriend job requirements.)  You're happy, we're happy, everyone's happy.


What you don't know is that behind the "cool girl" scenes, we are literally hitting our head against the wall.  We are bitching to our girlfriends.  We are lamenting the fact that there are no good guys out there.  We are losing a little piece of ourselves.  We are trying so hard to be the cool girl that what we're really turning into is the weak, confused, insecure girl.  The whole thing is exhausting and honestly, we can't keep it it up forever.  In fact, we should just stop.  The cool girl is just a fantasy that doesn't really exist.  She's like a freaking unicorn. 

So, where are all the cool guys?  The ones that won't make fun of us for still loving Sex and the City, the kind that will learn how to knit, because we love to knit, the kind that won't cancel plans out of the blue, the kind that will dance with us at a wedding-- not because they like to dance, but because we love to dance?

Right. Those guys do exist.  They're our gay best friends.  And guess what?  They don't go down on us either.


  1. Preach! I stopped being cool years ago!

  2. HAHA! I love this post. Also in my recent experience I've found that there are more crazy girls in relationships than "cool" girls. It's like somehow the craziness is being rewarded. And I was still at this stage in the game trying to be a "cool" girl because I thought that the drama and/or nagging would send the guys running for the Hollywood Hills.

    Also someone really needs to put out a public service message to men about the whole oral sex thing. Like really....

  3. Really, any guy who's looking for a "cool girl" should just go get a Man in a Dress.

  4. Cool girls is the universal unicorn for men. It is the same in both Norway and France. I think it is just an excuse for guys who behave like douchebags.

  5. Haha. I just read that book. And I think we're all the "cool girl" in the beginning, aren't we all on our best behavior in the beginning. ;)