Tuesday, June 25, 2013

the importance of getting closure.

There are some break ups we see coming from a mile away.  Months and months of the relationship deteriorating, lots of fighting, way less sex, even conversations about breaking up-- and then finally, one person in the relationship musters the courage to actually end it.  These break-ups are not easy.  Even when you see the writing on the wall, it can still be a shock to the system once things are over.  But I'm willing to wager that another kind of break-up hurts even more.

The one where it comes out of nowhere.

The kind where you think you're just having a talk about making improvements to the relationship and then suddenly, you get your heart handed to you.  The kind that are so abrupt and out of the blue, they're written on a post-it note.  The worst part about this type of BLOW OFF is that while you're reeling from the whole thing, your significant other has probably been marinating in the thought of ending things for months without filling you in or giving you any warning.

Once the initial shock wears off, we end up turning into junkies looking for our next fix.  Except instead of a drug, all we desperately want is closure.  Without it, we're still in the throes of withdrawal.  Some people will say that getting dumped IS closure, but it's totally not.  The worst part about closure is that it's really hard to find it for ourselves.  We're relying on the other party to make us feel better by either wanting us back or giving us a better explanation for why they burned us in the first place.  Closure for me has basically only happened when I've either gotten some "I was an asshole" email from the guy months later, hooked up with them again, or even gotten back together only to have it not work out a second time around.

But sometimes none of these things happen.  And even if we meet someone else and fall in love, there's still an unsettling feeling about the old relationship.  So, here are a few tips to help you get some semblance of closure on your own.

5. Close your eyes.  Listen to this song and pretend it's your ex singing to you.  Now repeat 300 times.
4. Everyone always says to write your ex a letter saying all the things you want to say to them, but I say you write yourself a fake letter from them and write all the things you want to hear them say to you.  I know, it's totally not the same as hearing it from them, but it's a start. You can even pretend that it's really from them when you show it to your girlfriends and psycho-analyze every word together.

3. Fuck their best friend.  Take a snap chat while you're doing it and send it to them.  Okay, so this one is kind of more of a revenge thing, but revenge can also help bring you closure.  Just ask the real Amanda Clarke. 

2. Get rid of EVERYTHING connected to your relationship.  By everything I mean every single article of clothing you wore in their presence.  And then immediately go to your nearest outdoor mall and spend a shitload of money on yourself. 

1.  Break up parties are a new trend, but I say fuck that.  Throw a break up funeral.  I'm not joking, I'll throw it for you.  Invite all of your friends over.  Make everyone wear black.  Bury all the shit you're getting rid of in #4.  Play sad music and have people give speeches about what a douche bag your ex turned out to be.

Also, remember this?


  1. or send them a fedexed letter saying it's over, asshole :)

  2. I think about this friends clip ALL the time.