Monday, June 3, 2013

The Listening to People in Relationships BLOW OFF

After nearly two years of living as a single woman in Los Angeles, I finally picked up a guy at a bar. Or did he pick up me? Does the former make me more of a feminist? I guess it doesn't matter since this story doesn't really make me the next Susan B. Nor does the fact that I'm not that into voting. Am I an overall disgrace to my vagina?

Probably.

Anyway, a couple Saturday nights ago I went out with my young, married couple friends, and my old roommate's boyfriend -- ie three wingmen, all in relationships. At the time I thought the odds were against me. How was I going to mack on all of these fine men?? (Hypothetically speaking, of course -- there never seem to be that many hot guys in one place, let alone places I tend to be in. Nor do I know how to mack). However, it didn't take long to realize that I wasn't with three un-single people, I was with people that have succeeded in love! Maybe some of their coupleness would rub off on me!!

And in a way it did, because that night, I met a guy: Kansas. Kansas was cute. Like, not just cute in the way that I think dudes are cute, but actually really attractive. Not only that, but he was down with the sass. We even bantered, which for a snarky girl, is the best foreplay there is. Then, before I left the bar, we exchanged numbers. "This is it," I thought, "I'm going to fall in love."

Which I did, for like, 3 hours.

The next morning, the infatuation continued via witty text messages. Things were going great, and eventually he asked, "Should we end our streaks today?" You see, somehow, our conversation from the previous night had gotten to the "how long it had been" topic. At the time, I thought this was sexy and straight forward, but now it is obvious that 6 months in the desert can make you a little Amanda Bynes in the judgment department. (Too soon?)

Anyway, in light of the fact that I was feeling young, spontaneous, and horny I invited Kansas over for a morning after sesh. And he obliged. I'll spare the details, God forbid I want to run for office, (since I owe it to my foremothers, and all), but let's just say that the afternoon went well and I thought I'd put myself into solid fuck buddy territory, which wouldn't be the worst thing assuming it implied more action that what I currently had going on.

Then, two days later, he invited me to dinner. And literally, that's all it was, as I received zero details about our itinerary. The next day, at 3:30 PM, I texted Kansas to see when he was looking to meet up that night. This was followed by 2 hours of radio silence. Needless to say, I was disenchanted. Had I been invited to a hypothetical dinner? Although I received a response by sundown, my gut instinct was to blow him off. The reasoning being: If he really wants to see me, then he'll want to reschedule, and if he doesn't, then maybe we can at least hook up again and I'll get to have sex twice in one week, which at this point, is as elusive as Bigfoot.

Enter: my coworkers -- one is married and the other one is in a serious relationship. Both thought that giving this guy a chance and opening my legs heart to love was the greatest idea EVER. And, in light of the fact that I had met Kansas with the aid of my coupled friends, I would listen to my coupled coworkers, and become a couple of my own.

Except not.

It was a horrible date. He was a totally different person with a strange resemblance to an asshole. Not only could he not banter, but he could barely make eye contact. He paid for my dinner because, "he felt like he should," and asked if he thought that the waitress was "making eyes at him." This of course was after he responded to the question, "Where did you go to school?" with the charming retort, "Is that a 'Match.com' sort of thing?" If this were the Bachelorette, I'd have asked him to leave on the first night, before the rose ceremony, because I wouldn't have wanted to bother looking at him for the entire evening.

What's worse? When I got myself home, (I had met him there...the millionth red flag) he texted me, "I don't even know what that was." Which I think, in some sick way, was his attempt at an apology. We haven't talked since.

Ultimately, I learned some valuable lessons:

1. Don't let coupled people talk you into love -- nobody knows more about relationships than Chris Harrison and...

2. don't try and go to the cocktail party once you've been to the fantasy suite. You'll just ruin the fantasy.

1 comment:

  1. this story is craZy to me. First of all, more power to you for ending your streak and having a fling, at least this guy was good for one thing. But what a total dick on the date! And that text message?! who does this fucker think he is? Also, this is so true about people in relationships (guilty as charged)-- i find myself telling a lot of my single friends to give certain guys a chance when they are totally better off not pursuing a total jack ass. down with Kansas!

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