Thursday, June 6, 2013

the mixed messages BLOW OFF

Editor's Note: This email came to us from one of our loyal readers who desperately needs a little dating advice.  Please read and comment below-- and make sure to read to the "you'd be perfect if you'd..." part.  INSANITY.

My story with Dave.

Flashback to just before Christmas I was flying home to Florida to spend the holidays with my grandparents. I arrived promptly three hours early. Best and most favorite place to be at the airport…The bar. So I saddle up, order a bottle of bubbly, and set the alarm on my phone so I don't miss my flight. Touch base with my Grams, and she reminded me "to be friendly to everyone around me, never know who I am going to meet." ( I am quite the people person, just that I am in my early 30's, she doesn't understand why I am single and not married with bambinos yet, let alone dating a single soul.)

As I am chatting with a nice woman beside me to my left about Hong Kong (we shared many interests and it was nice chatting with a normal kind female for a change) the gentleman seated next to me on the right kept trying to interrupt and join in our conversation. After a little hesitation we ended up chatting and having a lot in common. He was tall, brown eyes and handsome. As my alarm sounded on my phone, I said it was nice to meet you and walked to my gate. Standing in line for boarding...I am not sure if it was all the bubbly or some higher power, but I got out of line, walked back to the bar and tapped him on the shoulder and asked if he had a business card.
Disclosure: I am not this ballsy. EVER. Pretty sure it was the bubbly. We exchanged business cards and then I ran off to my gate. So upon arriving at my grandparents place I shared the little scenario with my grandma. Was she not over the moon! "You should email or text him" she says..asking if he made it safely with the snowstorm… so I did. He instantly emailed me back. This continued for two months. Text- Email- Call. Text-email-call. We decided to meet for dinner in SF. It went exceptionally well. He dropped me off at home hugged me and said he couldn't wait to hang out again. So we made plans for me to visit his town this time..he lives 45 minutes south of San Francisco where I live.

So I rented a car, drove down to his beach town, and met him for lunch. At lunch he disclosed how attracted he was to me and asked if I could stay over. The feelings were mutual. I was totally feeling it…and accepted his invite. I am seriously at nun status at this point in the sex department. Several drinks later we are watching a movie in his bedroom and we are rounding third base. Then he stops. "I want to wait. I just think we have a good thing going here and I feel like once we start we won't be able to stop." "Ok, I am all for not stopping, my rental doesn't have to be back until 9am." "No, I mean we live 45 minutes apart, I think we should wait so we don't get too attached." Ok. This is weird. Not looking for a serious relationship. Have made that clear. I just need action right now. Seriously! Mood killer. I then decide this is so awkward, I am just going to head home. He asks to text when I get home. I do. I get no response for a week. I shrug it off. We had made plans to go to a friend's living room session so I touch base a few days prior. He responded. We were still on. Ok. Weird. But I need some action so why not.

We go and it's AWKWARD. He comments that I am overdressed. I want to add that I do not overdress.. I shop at jcrew, Madewell,and Bloomies. Nice jeans with a silk cami, and a blazer is my normal go to outfit... It wasn't like I was wearing a prom dress for heavens sake! The whole car ride over to Berkeley (1 hour with traffic) he talks about himself. Red flag. We arrive at the little shindig: I am helping co-host, it's in my nature.. And he's chatting with my friends..only he chats about himself. Double Red flag. I keep checking in with him to make sure he is comfortable, has a drink, etc. We have to leave early because he has a dog… (and lives 45 minutes away from my house he keeps reminding me) On the way back to my house I just flat out ask what's changed between us..,Did I do something wrong...Just be honest. He responds:"I love that you love sports, you are adventurous, you're beautiful, you have the greatest laugh, you would be perfect if you lost 25 pounds."

My heart stopped. I was NOT prepared for that much honesty. I started clinching my fists and pinching the side of my leg so I wouldn't cry. I responded with "oh. okay. I see." And played it off like nothing. Luckily we were a block from my condo. I said goodbye to him. And ran into my building. He texted me later thanking me for a fun evening. I didn't respond. And didn't respond for 4 days. After full analysis from my inner circle round table, I had mistakenly asked for him to be honest. And we have always had that agreement since we first started chatting. I do weigh 127 lbs and I could stand to lose some weight… at 5'1 it does show. I did a full scope of his Instagram and his previous gf looked to be about 5'8 105 lbs and blonde and rail thin skinny. I am 5'1 well endowed and curvy. With dark hair.

After careful consideration I decided to hang out with him again. We attended a warriors games and a baseball game, etc. We had so much fun together. He makes me laugh like no one has before. It was on a friendly basis. No making out. One evening a few weeks later I had too much bubbly and sent him a flirty text. He was into it. We made plans to seal the deal per se…until two days before he decided to change the plan and come into the city for a night of fun. He arrives… and it's not the flirty sexy guy who has been texting me for a few weeks. It's the awkward guy who talks about himself and makes me feel bad for "being overdressed." We go to dinner. I instantly pick up on whether I am again getting any action and decide to indulge in my Hendricks and gingers at lightning fast speeds. He wants to go karaoke and I wanted to go to North Beach. We make a compromise and decide to do both. We arrive at Maggie's,my favorite Irish Pub that plays live 80s music..(perfect for dancing) and he tells me its too crowded he doesn't and will not dance and he's ready to go home. So weird. So awkward. We take a taxi to my place and he says goodbye. A hug. No action that has been talked about for three weeks at intense volumes. No kiss. Yet he texts me later saying he can't wait to hang out again. WTF?! I cannot, nor my inner circle round table cannot figure him out either. Any helpful advice or criticism would be appreciated.


  1. The second he called you fat, you should have been done. You're not fat. He's an ass. The red flags you call out are all bad signs. I am a single woman in her mid 30s and not dating at all is better than dealing with dudes that are crazy like this. Not worth your time.

  2. I totally agree with Eric. This won't get any better. We, as a people in general, are typically on our best behavior in the beginning of a relationship and if he is showing signs of instability already..they will only get worse. I've learned in my extensive years and far too many tries at making things work, a great meeting story doesn't mean it was meant to be. Cut him off and move on sister!

  3. I totally agree with the ladies. I think we all tend to get caught up on the romantic story of how the meeting happened (more power to you lady for leaving the gate and getting his business card-- being bold is something you should keep doing) but I honestly believe that you can find someone that you'll have chemistry with that will make you laugh who will ALSO want to have sex with you and won't criticize the way you look. I don't think the comment about you losing weight is a red flag, it's a freaking nail in the coffin.

  4. also, I've had a similar experience with a guy where the chemistry was great, but he was a little wishy-washy and by the time i got sick of it and stopped seeing him, we had never even slept together. i thought the least he could have done was put out, but he later explained that he would have felt like more of a dick to sleep with me when he knew deep down he wasn't interested. whatever. Sometimes us ladies need some action too.

  5. DTMFA. Normally the "25 lbs" comment would be the nail in the coffin, but since it came after he told you that you were overdressed for an event that you invited him to, it's actually grounds for murder.

    (I get the mistake of thinking he's doing you a favor by slowing down sexually -- I've been there, and I don't know any way around it other than some magically self-possessed and candid utterance that you might summon one in twenty times.)

  6. I feel like such a loser but i had to google DTMFA. Dump the motherfucker already! brilliant.

  7. Thank you to each of you for your valuable and kind feedback! I truly appreciate it!
    Here is my update since I wrote in...
    I was in his beach town yesterday for work/golf event and posted a photo on Insta of my view. He instantly texts me within ten seconds of posting," you are in (my town)?" I didn't reply. He kept texting me all day long. Wanting to see me. Wanting to meet with me on the golf course. Meet me after work. My only response after the 8 messages he sent, was that I already had after works plans. He then sent me a sad face. I now feel a little bit better after doing so...with the following that happened.
    I shared The Blowoff link with a few girlfriends who oddly enough work at Facebook + Insta. THey took it upon themselves to do a little "researching + digging" .....What they found (I am not on fb, just insta and you know viewing is limited with private profiles) was that "Dave" has a gf. She is a funeral arranger. And Tall. And Blonde. And super skinny. Perfect! :( So clearly I missed several flags and signs. And well I am ridiculously embarrassed. And sad. And in need of a bottle of bubbly.

    I concur with Saara...In all honesty, I was hopelessly in love with the idea we met in an airport. I travel weekly for work, so meeting at the airport bar seemed like the perfect start to a great romance novel. :)
    I am not sure what I did wrong, or why I attract attached men.. I am independent, not looking for a husband/ serious boyfriend, (or a meal ticket) love sports, daredevil, kind, globetrotter, and non clingy..who just wants an occasional companion and frequent hookup. Seriously that is all. Finding that man is proving to be quite difficult in San Francisco...

    Again thank you to each of you for your lovely comments, I am going to go pop open a bottle of bubbly I splurged on! Cheers to you all!


  8. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. I don't believe this. First of all, don't blame yourself at all or wonder what you did wrong to attract a guy like this. You did nothing wrong. There was no reason to assume/think he'd have a girlfriend. You sound like an awesome person and will find someone worthy of you soon! Further more, tall and blond is super overrated (says the five foot tall brunette writing this comment.) That poor girl has a boyfriend that cheats on her!

  9. girl stop it. first of all, do not lose one pound. i'm 5'2" and if i weighed 127 pounds i would walk around naked constantly, even at the grocery store.

    secondly, the guy's a jerk. he got some kind of satisfaction out of making you feel like crap. my best friend growing up dated someone similar in college and to this day i have dreams that i kill him.

    i hate him.

  10. i just need to comment again to say im impressed by how you completely ignored his texts, etc when you were in "his" town. you'll be fine girl. i'm not gonna worry about you :)

  11. See, I figured he was hiding something but I thought it was a little dick. Either way you dodged a bullet on this one. Cheers!

  12. He is a complete FUCKTARD with a small dick. Jesus, you should be thankful! Be you, be ballsy, channel your inner Samantha! Fuck him and the little horse he rode in on.

  13. Anonymous at 10:39 is my hero. Eff this guy, block his number stat! I'm 5'0" and weigh 120 and I think I could lose a pound or two, but would punch a man in the neck if he said that to me! You can do WAY better!

  14. Sneaky cheats are the WORST. This type of behavior should be a punishable crime. But of course, the best revenge is living a good, fulfilling life and knowing that he is obviously not.

    SF has the most men with Peter Pan syndrome of any place I've lived. I totally empathize with how hard/weird it is to date there. In order to find the type of relationship you are looking for, you might find it helpful to think about it in terms of it's place along a spectrum of all types of relationships- from platonic aquaintances to life long monagamy/BFFs. Sometimes we don't realize what we are really looking for until we really consider all the options and what they mean for us. For instance, to me a frequent hookup/occasional companionship sounds like it can be interpreted many different ways. I think it would be considered "casual dating" and could be monogamous or polyamorous depending on a mutual agreement by the couple. Dave seemed to think it meant mistress material, which I can kind of understand, too. Not to dismiss his actions as a total and complete loser. He is a total and complete loser. And there is something to celebrate- You're not the GF, cause that would suck so much more, even for gorgeous, thin, blondes. Cheers!

  15. First off, if this is the same Tiffany as featured in The BlowOfF questionnaire back in September-you have nothing to worry about! You are gorgeous, fun, and seem to have a positive outlook, with a high respect for yourself!

    This guy: "Dave" sounds like he saw you as an opportunity. Here is this cool chick who lives in the "big city" meaning he could have the best of both worlds. There is a reason he was attracted to you. Maybe his conscious had the best of him and he doesn't consider cheating being emotionally attached or sexting. All I know is I am sorry he is a complete ass and has zero respect for women.

    Do NOT blame yourself, nor question why things happen to you. People are self centered and malicious... you on the other hand sound completely the opposite. Guard that heart of yours, but do not be afraid to love! Continue to "BE BALLSY" and continue to smile- you never know what can happen! You are GORGEOUS!
    ----also I hope you continue to write in to the blow off... you have an honest way of putting it all out there..

  16. Are there any updates? Ive been curious to see if he has tried contacting you at all since his shadiness has been revealed. If so, did you confront him?