Tuesday, July 2, 2013

how to be an awesome wing-girl

I consider it a duty of all us ladies (and men) who are in relationships to be excellent wing-peeps to our friends and family members still looking (and wanting) to settle down.  Yes, one of the benefits to being in a relationship is not having to go out to bars trolling for dudes, but it's a freaking war zone out there and we can't let our friends go into combat alone.

So, here are the top ten ways to be an amazing wing-girl.

10.  Learn to dress the part.  You can't go out to a bar dressed like a total slob as a wing-girl, but you also can't wear the hottest outfit you have in your closet at the risk of potentially out-shining your single friend (my friends are really shiny, so I've never had this problem.)  On the scale of hotness, your job is to be medium-hot.  Not so hot where a guy would rather talk to you, but not so un-hot where a guy wouldn't want to come near your friend because she hangs out with ugly people. 

9.  Put away your phone.  There's nothing more annoying than a wing-girl who spends the whole night texting or calling their significant other.  If you need to text your other half to let them know where you are or when you'll be home, go into the bathroom and do it.  And if he writes you something really sweet and sexy and cute in return, do not under any circumstances share it with your friend.  

8.  Be their eyes and ears.  Sometimes when you're single, you don't necessarily want to check out guys at a bar or party or lay your stake, because your fear of rejection is at an all time high.  That makes it the job of the friend who's in a relationship to point out guys you know your bestie will be attracted to.  It's sort of like being a human defogger. 

7.  Nothing about this night out is about you.  If you're having some sort of career or relationship drama, save it for when you and your single friend are hanging out in the priavacy of one of your apartments.  Guess how your bestie is never going to meet an awesome guy?  If she's spending the whole night reassuring you that your troubled relationship is wonderful and stable and that your significant other is totally devoted to you.  Leave that shit for your therapist.

6.  If you're planning a set up for your friend with a guy that you know is going to be at said bar or party, don't tell your friend about it.  It's okay for the guy to be in on the set up, but if your friend is also clued in, she'll only be nervous and self-conscious and get her feelings hurt on the off chance that he's not into her.  If they fall in love and get married, you can totally take all the credit then.

5. Ugh, don't, under any circumstances do the sneak attack and have your significant other come meet you and your friends out.  Unless he is bringing a hot single friend along with him, he has absolutely no business being there and you are a terrible person and friend if you invite him out.  Yes, we all love your boyfriend and husband, but if given the choice, we'd probably rather just hang out with you than the both of you. 

4. Don't be an attention whore.  I know you're excited to be out at a bar and you secretly want guys to hit on you so they can be all disappointed when they find out you're not single and so you can feel like you still have it.  But this rare night out at bar is not about inflating your own ego, it's about boosting the self-esteem of your hot, amazing, it's so crazy that she's single, best friend.

3.  Don't be afraid to give a little bit of tough love.  Sometimes (and don't shoot me for saying this but...) single friends can be super-mopey and slightly bitter and a nightmare to be around.  And even though they need a peppy girl with a boyfriend in their face like a stripper needs a turtleneck, it doesn't hurt to nicely let them know they're giving off bitch vibes.  I told one of my besties that all she needed to do to get a guy to come up to her was smile more and it was kind of a game changer. 

2. Take the boy by the horns.  A good wing-girl can't be shy.  I mean, we have nothing to lose by being slightly aggressive.  If you know there's a particular guy at a bar or party who your friend thinks is hot, but you know she's the type that will wait in vain all night for the guy to come up to her, then sometimes it's your job to covertly go up to him (on your way to the bathroom) and tell him your friend thinks he's cute.  I know this sounds like fifth grade shit, but it totally works. 

1.  OMG.  So exciting.  You've taken all the above advice and now your friend who has been single for far too long and still nursing a broken heart is talking to a super cool, funny, sweet, cute guy at the bar.  They're laughing.  But shucks, it's getting really late and you're tired and you and your boyfriend have an early yoga class to go to in the AM and you really don't want to be stuck at this bar talking to super cool guy's extremely creepy and annoying friend.  What's an amazing wing-girl to do?  SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND SUCK IT UP.  YOU WILL STAY AT THAT BAR TILL LAST CALL IF IT KILLS YOU.  DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

3 comments:

  1. Love this! Top-notch advice. I wish there were more good wing-girls out there. In fact, sometimes even as a single girl it's okay to take a back seat and help out your (cough, more desperate) other single friends ...in fact I had a friend back in Austin that every guy she dated I had hit on for her first. ;-)

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  2. Love!!! But where's "#11. Don't ignore ugly guys so much that you get mistaken as lesbians by all the insecure guys in the room.'' Lol...true stories. :)

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  3. OMG. So true. Maybe I should write an entire post about how guys in new york city blew me off because they thought i was a lesbian.

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