Wednesday, July 3, 2013

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 6

Welcome to another devastatingly terrible episode of The Bachelorette.  Who wants to picket ABC with me this weekend with "Down with Des" signs?  The chick blows, you guys.  She fucking blows.

This episode begins with stunning shots of the city of Barcelona which has no idea that its douche-baggery quotient is about to go up my +10.  We see shots of Desi-Barf sitting in the front row of a church, I'm assuming she's praying to God to give her a personality and a redeeming quality aside from the fact that she once was able to pull off bangs.

The guys hang out in some park and talk about how beautiful Barcelona is while James Goodfellas  tries to bust out some Spanish.  Oh no he didn't.  Nobody can speak Spanish when freaking Don Juan de Pablo is in their presence as far as I'm concerned.  Chris Harrison shows up in order to feel like his life isn't one completely pointless joke...and because he really likes the hookers in Spain.  He explains the rules of the games to the guys one more time-- which would normally be annoying-- but I think the combined IQ of the men on this show is 6.34 so it kind of makes sense that he needs to keep telling them how this whole thing works.  Apparently on this episode, there will be two one on one dates and one group date.  So, basically Harrison informs the audience right out of the gate that they are in for yet another terribly boring episode of The Bachelorette and that if we actually stick around and continue to tune in, then shame on us right?

Honestly, the show is so bad that I'm starting to tune in just to read the tweets on the lower third of the screen.

Anyway, Harrison also drops a bombshell on the dudes.  There will be no cocktail party in this episode.  Yes, it's already been decided.  Probably because production needs to make room for at least three pointless conversations between Desi-bore and James Liotta Pesci De Niro Soprano Pacino Gandolfini.

The first one on one date goes to Drew in this episode or as one of our readers so geniusly calls him: LeStat Bateman (the vampire cousin of Patrick Bateman AKA American Psycho.)  He's super excited to get a date with Des, but claims he won't let the whole thing that happened with James last week ruin his one on one.  (in case you forgot, Drew and #Kasey heard Magic Mikey T and James talk about how if James can make it to the final four, he could be the next Bachelor.)

Anyway, Drew is way too much of an eager beaver about his date with Des.  He meets her in the middle of the city and she's wearing the most terrible 1980s get up I have ever seen.  She tells Drew that they are going to explore the city and he's all like "WE ARE?!?!?!?!"  Um, duh.  Then he says that he can't stop thinking about kissing her and they make out and even though it's super awkward and even though Drew has way too much product in his hair, Desi-lame is all about it.  She's def going to get cold sores on her mouth because girlfriend is a Big Fat Klut (kissing slut.)

D & D music factory go out for tapas and Drew decides he needs to tell Des a few things about his life.  Cue the sad music.  Basically, he tells her that he's really close to his family and that his dad is his hero (Des smiles super big)...then he tells her his dad is an alcoholic (Des's eyes glaze over and she yawns), and THEN he tells her that his dad has cancer (Des falls asleep, then lets out a snort that wakes her up.)
Then Drew proceeds to say that NO ONE knows his dad has cancer--- so, um, he totally outed his dad's potentially terminal illness on national television to gain sympathy points from the girl who can barely keep her eyes open during any conversation that isn't totally surface level.  Nice one.  Des hugs Drew and says "thank you for sharing that with me" or some stupid shitty insincere line like that.

Later that night, D & D have dinner and in the middle of it all, Drew spontaneously steals Des away to take her some place.  This forces some poor cameraman to run and follow them without a steadicam, which forces me to start having flashbacks of the time I had to run out of the movie theater during Blair Witch Project to vomit in the bathroom.  Basically, Drew just drags her into a dark alley so they can kiss-- which is sort of a rapey move if you ask me, but Desiree gets super hot and bothered by it.  Needless to say, Drew gets a rose and that's when he decides it's time to tell her the truth about Goodfella.  Des is PISSED when she learns that James would have the balls to come on the show for something other than to be her devoted husband.  The nerve.

Group date time!  And guess what guys?  The hot pink is back this week with Des adding neon green zippy as well and a high pony.  Clearly, she thinks she's stuck in 1987.  Anyway, Crazy Eyes Zak gets the next one on one date in this episode, so Greasy Brooks, Poetic Chris, Don Juan de Pabs, Michael Objection!, Goodfellas, and #Kasey are on the group date.  But FINALLY, this is Juan Pablo's moment to shine, because they are going to be playing soccer.  After several hot moments of our Latin lover dribbling the ball and Brooks throwing in a suprisingly funny one-liner about him that I can no longer remember, Des reveals that they are going to play a game against her and another team.    And it turns out all her teammates are....women!  Hilarious! Imagine that-- girls playing against boys?  Well, the guys are just going to crush them.  Because women can't play sports, even if they are Spanish.  But shocker: Des and her team beat the guys ten to two, mainly because James was a terrible goalie.  And clearly, one of the girls on Des's team was really a boy dressed in drag, because how else could a girl team beat a bunch of guys?  I mean, hello, we've all seen the movie Ladybugs (RIP Rodney Dangerfield, RIP Jonathan Brandis.)

Cocktail par-tay time!  Michael (AKA Objection, Your Honor!) decides that they need to confront James about all the things he said in the car ride home when he thought #Kasey and Drew were asleep.   But before we get to this, let's talk about Poetic Chris and Des's hang out.  These two are definitley into each other, but I just don't get a vibe that Des wants to bone Chris even though she tells him he's all kinds of athletic and that she could "give him any activity and he would be good at it."  Cunninlingus, GO! Then, Des reads Chris a poem she wrote for him on the airplane.  Yikes.  I thought Chris's poem last week was sucky, but Des rhymes her poems like a thirteen year old girl.  Guys.  Jewel is better at writing poems than Des.  Chris of course has to pretend that her poem is all kinds of awesome and they make out.  Chris informs us that their love scale is rising.  Which means he has a boner.

So, back to what really matters.  The guys confront James and he basically blames everything on Magic Mikey T (Nobody messes with my Mikey like that!)  He claims Mikey brought up hooking up with girls on a boat in Chi-town.  Anyway, things get really heated-- mostly between Lawyer Michael and James, while #Kasey and Chris remain relatively calm the whole time.  James tells Michael that he doesn't know what he's talking about because he hasn't had a one on one date with Des.  Then he proceeds to say "fuck you" "fuck you" and "fuck you" to all the guys which really isn't fair to Chris, because he's been nice and quiet the whole time.  Juan Pablo is nowhere to be found, but I truly believe he has absolutely no idea what the fuck everyone is so upset about, because he thought they were ALL on the show in hopes of being the next Bachelor.

Des arrives and decides that she's not giving anyone a rose tonight and sends all the guys home except James, because she wants to talk to him in private.  Des basically tells us that she's going to send him packing, but then OMG you guys, he manages to totally talk his way out of it.  First of all, she tells him the whole Bachelor thing isn't even her main issue (translation: she went on The Bachelor so that she could be The Bachelorette), she's mostly upset that he and Mikey T talked about girls and boats.  He denies everything and swears on the life of his father (who, FYI has freaking pancreatic cancer).  He also tells Desiree that she's giving him a headache, which basically sounds like the type of thing a dude says before he smacks a woman.  He starts to cry and Des is putty in his hands.  Ugh, us ladies are way too forgiving of men who cry!  Finally, she decides that she needs some time to think and sends James back to the hotel.  This whole scene looked like it was right out of a soap opera.

The guys are understandably shocked to see James return, because they assumed Des had a slither of a brain and would know to send him home.  James just looks at the guys and says:

Gentleman, goodnight.

And from now on that's how I'm going to say good bye to everyone all the time ever.  You know what would be AMAZING after all this?  If James got to be The Bachelor!

The following day in Barcelona, Desi-dumb is feeling really sad about James so she decides to sketch to make herself feel better.  Notice how we rarely actually see what she's been sketching because she's actually not a very good artist?!  Zak Attack shows up and does a funny pose and right then and there, he's one of my faves.  I mean, who knew he would actually turn out to have more depth than any other guy on the show?  And even though his face is orange and his teeth are really white and he looks like he's under a perpetual black light, he's really sweet.

Des takes him to some janky art studio where they have to draw stuff, including a naked male model.  Zak is actually a good sport about it-- but personally, I'm kind of sad that Magic Mikey T wasn't the one on this date, because I think he'd freak out.  Zak and Desi-Sucks decide to draw each other and I have to admit that I kind of giggle when we see Zak's freakishly strange chalk drawing of Desiree which is actually a very accurate portrayal of how ugly she is on the inside.  Zak Attack then decides to surprise her and comes back in the room in a bathrobe.  He drops the robe and then starts posing in his tidy-whities.  Um, I don't know what it is, but I just get the feeling that he's the kind of guy that masturbates constantly.

This is the moment where I get really sad, because I realize they are not going to bring Juan Pablo to pose naked for a drawing.

During the nighttime portion of their date, Zak tells Desiree about his happy family and she says she hopes she'll get to meet them someday.  Back at the house, Lestat Bateman and James Goodfellas have a confrontation and Lestat basically tells James that he's on to him.  When it comes to this argument, I am Team Vampire over Team Mobster all the way.  Now, back to the one on one: Des gives Zak a rose and they make out in some dark tunnel too which is apparently some sort of sexual fantasy of Desiree's

The next day, James plops down on the couch next to the guys which is super awkward-- either becasue they all hate him now or because there's seriously like no room for him on that couch.  They all look squished!  Anyway, Des shows up because she wants to talk to James AGAIN.  Ugh.  Guys, this was so boring.  The funniest part about the whole sequence was the guys standing on the balcony spying on them (see above picture).  Des cries some more, you know, because this is all so hard and confusing and she even says in an interview that she kind of resents the guys for putting her in this position.   Oh hell no.  Bitch needs to go.  She has GOT to GOOOO.  I mean, how could she possibly be confused?!  I knew James was a douchey-douche that was just there to be famous purely by looking at his bio photo.  She claims she's so connected to him but they went out on one date, where side note, he also told her he cheated on his ex-gf.  Somebody please bring Des's brother on the show to smack some sense into her.  Back on the balcony, the guys are really upset when they see James and Des get all kissy and Lestat looks like he might go full vampire.  The only other thing that I enjoyed about this segment was that James had super sweaty abs.  See below:

Rose ceremony time.  Finally!  Once again, the show proves that Des is trying really hard to bring the 80s back, because she is rocking the side pony.  She contemplates the framed photo of James and wonders what she should do.  This is all a lot of fake suspense, because once the rose ceremony commences, she sends #Kasey, Don Juan de Pablo, and Goodfellas home.  This is truly bittersweet, because Juan Pablo was such eye candy and he even cries when he leaves about how hard it is to date when he has a daughter.  I really hope they make him the next bachelor.  If we can read subtitles while we watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, then we can read subtitles when we watch him on The Bachelor.  I am also a little surprised that Des gave a rose to Michael Esquire instead of #Kasey who is much sweeter and who doesn't say things like "People VS James. Case dismissed."

So...the final five are: Brooks, Chris, Drew, Zak, and Michael G.  I think it's pretty safe to say that Michael will be the next to go, but I'm a little concerned by the preview for the rest of the season.  It looks like Drew dumps Desiree (and she apparently says he was the only guy she was sticking around for) and then the show makes it seem like she dumps all the remaining guys because she doesn't find love.  I'm hoping this is not what happens, because if it is, they made it way too obvious.  But personally, I think Desiree and Chris Harrison deserve each other.

With that:  Gentleman, goodnight.

1 comment:

  1. it's scary how james looks like mikey

    i kind of want zak to win?