Wednesday, July 10, 2013

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 7

This is one of those season's of The Bachelorette where after every episode, I'm like: this was the most boring episode of The Bachelorette ever.  And then the following week, I'm like: NO, this was the most boring episode of The Bachelorette ever.  But guys, I'm pretty sure that this week:


Let's admit, we all knew within the first five seconds of this episode which of the dudes had not at all earned the chance to stick around next week for the highly coveted hometown date.  That said, I still had a panic attack during the rose ceremony.  Imagine how I would feel if I actually cared about this season?  I think what this show needs is more Little Ricki. I know she's another former bachelorette's daughter, but I don't care.  I want more Little Ricki now!

Anyway.  The episode kicks off with Desi-gross and her five guys taking a boat ride to Madeira-- which, I hate to say it, as far as islands go?  Not that impressive.  I'm already pissed that there's no sign of Harrison, but I'm guessing he was too busy training for his appearance on ABC's Wipe Out.  And honestly, I wish Harrison was there to explain the rules to me, because this week got super complex.  Three one on one dates and one two on one date where one guys gets a rose, but the other guy could still get a rose at the rose ceremony.  WTF.  If I wanted to be confused, I'd watch Inception again for the 5th time.

SO.  While some of us are on food stamps, ABC decided to spend money to fly out some of Des's friends to Madeira so that we could get a two minute scene of them talking to Des about her "journey" and her "experience" and her "guys."  I put guys in quotations, because I'm still waiting for us to find out that Brooks is a pre-op transsexual (um, hello.  He would not take his shirt off when the girls yelled at him to.)  Was it just me or did Pocahantas Catherine seem a bit holier than thou?  And did she not flaunt her engagement ring all over the place?  She called Sean her best friend. Yeah, totes.  That's what you call a guy you're NOT having sex with.  SNAP.

Leslie and Jackie from Sean's season also make an appearance, proving once again that none of these girls actually care about the dude they're competing for, because there's no way in hell they could all still be besties if they did.  Des tells them that Michael G (Federal Prosecutor) is the most successful guy.  Chris the Poet is the most athletic (but he needs more spice.  Yikes.  He's so not going to win).  Zak Attack is the most adventurous.  Brooks is least likely to want to settle down and get married (I would be too if I was still waiting for a penis) and Drew is best looking.  Um, are they like the yearbook committee?  Enough with the superlatives.  Virgin Pocahantas apparently asks Des which of the guys had the biggest dick.  What do you guys think?  I'm gonna go with Zak Attack.  Hopefully in the fantasy suite, he'll be all like: do you accept this cock?

We get a few more awkward minutes of the guys playing some weird game by the pool as the girls watch them through binoculars and talk about them.  This is all very pointless and I would have rather seen Chris Harrison in one of his famous buttoned down shirts.

Brooks gets the first one on one date with Des and the two of them decide they want to make up a word between love and like.  Um, how about just "really like".  They drive around the island in a smart car which is totes a step down from Des's Bentley back home.  Then they go and stand on some cliff where it's really cloudy and we get a series of horrendous love metaphors.  I kid you not:  "we didn't just break through the clouds, we broke through our relationship."  Brooks still talks out of the side of his mouth and still seems a bit gay to me.  By "bit" I mean, TOTALLY GAY.  They start screaming about how they are on cloud 9, then they both lose their balance, fall off the cliff, and die.  and like...their heads roll off.  Fine, that didn't really happen.

I really can't believe what a horrible job Des does pretending like she cares when the guys open up to her about anything serious in their lives.  Brooks nearly cries in front of her about his dad and she says "Yeah...."  while nodding and probably thinking about what color dress to wear to the rose ceremony.  You guys, Des's only redeeming quality is that she smiles like Katie Holmes.

The best part of this date is that at dinner, Des decides to come up with her relationship analogy.  She was just supposed to come up with a word between like and love, but she takes things to a whole new level.  Let me break down the genius that is Desi-Dumb for you guys.  Get ready to have your minds blown:

1. Stepping
2. Skipping
3. Jogging
4. Running
5. Finish line.

This is SO dumb that when Des says that she feels like she's at the "running" stage of her relationship with Brooks, he says in his private interview that he's a step behind.  Wait-- does that means he's jogging or like, he's not even stepping yet.  I'm very confused.  Basically, what he's saying is that he's not as into Des as she is into him.

Hmmmm...Remember Bryden?  Remember how he chose to leave?  Remember how it seems like Drew is going to dump Des in a couple weeks?  Could it be that these guys are realizing that she has absolutely no personality?  Later in the date, fireworks go off and then we get a really weird moment of Des miming fireworks to us.  See below:
Poetic Chris gets the next one on one date and he starts dropping some mad slang.  Like, how he and Des are going to be chillin' boat style and how their chemistry is pretty legit.  The guys spy on them as they walk to the boat--- which please, ABC producers, you need to stop all the spying.  It's so gross and creepy.  I swear, one of them-- and I'm not going to name names (Federal. Prosecutor.) was masturbating while they watched.

Anyway, Chris and Des go on their boat date and Chris slathers suntan lotion all over Des as they make out.  I'm kind of mad that Chris is so boring, but I honestly think this means him and Desiree are perfect together.  They go on an island after the boat and Des keeps talking about how independent she is.  We get it.  You're so independent.  No one cares.  You know who else is independent?  All the Charlie's Angels + Destiny's Child.  Chris surprises Des with a bottle and says they are going to write a poem and stick it in the bottle, so that someone can find it, open the bottle, read the poem and say "this is the worst poem I have ever read."  Watching these two rhyme heart with part was the point in the show where the H-Bomb and I switched over to Showtime to watch Ray Donovan.

Guys.  Ray Donovan should be the next bachelor.

During the nighttime portion of the date, Chris decides that he's in love with Desiree and he's going to tell her.  Some might say that it's way too soon for him to say it, but remember when that guy Brandon told her he was falling in love with her like fifteen episodes ago?  Also, I think since Chris is spice-less he needs to make a bold move and that Desi-lame is on such an ego trip that hearing a guy say I love you is exactly what will make her want to be with him more.  It kind of sucks that we have to listen to Chris read another one of his terrible poems, cause clearly he's just on the show so that he can get a giant poetry deal after this is all over.

The sad thing is, I really think Chris is in love with her and I don't think he stands a chance.  I mean, before he said I love you, Desiree toasted to his boyish qualities.  Um, when was the last time you heard a woman say "i really want to find a husband who has some boyish qualities"?  Never.  You've never ever ever heard a woman say that.

The next one on one date goes to our federal prosecutor who-- let's face it-- has to be going home at the end of this episode.  He makes some stupid comment about how if the perfect woman had 47 qualities that he was looking for in a wife, then Des would have 48.  What?  Those are such random numbers.  Michael and Des have one of those terribly boring dates where they explore the city and eat food and giggle.  Michael pays her a super nice compliment that I can't remember right now and Des responds with the most sincere "that's cool" that she can muster.  Then, they go on a toboggan ride through the island and all I can think is those poor toboggan guys must have chronic knee pain.

During the dinner time portion of their date, Desiree and Objection Your Honor have one of those conversations they should have had like five episodes ago if they were actually into each other.  He tells her about how he was raised by his mom cause his dad bailed and then bitched about his medical bills when he was sixteen and got type 1 Diabetes.  He also tells Desiree about his girlfriend who cheated on him with another guy (who apparently put pictures of their weekend away together on Facebook...)  Whatever.  None of this matters, becasue Michael will not be getting a rose at the end of this episode. 

Two on One date time!  Zak Attack and Drew Ken Doll meet Desiree at a race track where they ride around in some cars so that Des's hair can blow in the wind.  Des tells the guys they have to race each other and the winner gets a surprise from her (blow job?!?!)  Zak totally kicks Drew's ass, but all he gets is alone time with Desiree first.  I can't believe how much I heart Zak.  He just seems like such a nice guy and he made all these drawings of their journey.  Like a picture of his abs.  It's all very sweet, but when Des has her alone time with Drew-- it's like: whoa.  She's SO into him.  First off, as they're walking off together, he seems like he's frolicking a lot.  Sort of in a Priscilla Queen of the Desert sort of way.  Plus, he's very stylish.  I'm just saying.  Also, I think him and Brooks are doin' it.  Anyway, Drew asks Des if when she meets his family she'd go with him to pick up his severely mentally handicapped sister (first thought: so sad.  second thought: they keep her in a home?!)   I'm not sure when it happened but she's all kinds of giggly and weird around this guy.  I know he's hot, but I don't really get what's so great about him.  Plus, he def dumps her right?

Here's my theory on the Drew dumping.  I think ABC realizes that of all the guys, he'll make the best bachelor BUT they're also worried that Des is actually going to choose him.  SO...they take Drew aside and tell him that they are going to offer him to the bachelor BUT if he wants it, he has to dump Des early since he's clearly the frontrunner.  I'm sure they'll give him some sort of sob story reason for breaking up with her.  Like, he can't be in a relationship while his recovering alcoholic father fights cancer.  So that when Drew does become The Bachelor, we can all wonder if someone will able to put his broken pieces back together again.  Am I right or am I right?

Anyway, Drew gets the rose on this date which means Des will meet his family.  My heart breaks into tiny little pieces for Zak Attack and all his amateur chalk drawings.

Rose ceremony time.  Hells Yes.  Shoot, you guys.  I'm really scared that there's something wrong with me, because I kind of loved Des's dress.  I've been a sucker for the slinky back ever since I was nine and Ariel wore that purple dress when she *spoiler alert* got legs at the end of The Little Mermaid.  Chris Harrison finally shows up so that Desiree can sort out all of her feelings for the guys with him.  This is the most amazing moment in the episode.  Please pay close attention to Harrison's expression immediately after Des says it's hard for her to admit she's falling in love:
What do you guys think is going through his head?  How he wishes he could smack her repeatedly?  So, Des says she's at the finish line with Brooks (formally known as Brooke, because he used to be a woman.  Best joke ever, right?)  So does that means she's in love with him?  But he's like still skipping and she's at the finish line.  What does it all mean?!

As expected, Chris and Brooks both get roses and the last rose was left between Michael and Zak.  This is when I have my mini-heart attack that Zak might get sent home.  But yay, she gives the federal prosecutor the boot.  Case, you are closed.  He gets really sad and calls him mom from the car and she says "here were go again."  ugh, that sucks!  I think he might sue ABC and Des and Chris Harrison for emotional distress.  But I don't see why Michael is so sad.  We all know he's going to be on The Bachelor Pad in like two weeks.

Just when I thought this season was the suckiest ever, scenes from next week reveal that DES'S CONVICT BROTHER IS BACK!!!  Sigh.  How I've missed Cape Fear.  You guy, I'm totally serious, but I kind of have a crush on him.  Is it just me or did he look kind of hot in this preview?  He sort of looks like he could be a character on Friday Night Lights.  You be the judge.  I love that he's lurking behind the column like he's going to jump Brooks and Chris Harrison!  He better not go soft on us.


  1. I have just been introduced to your site by my friend Patti. Your references are spot on! I have to go change my gotchies- the constant laughter is warping the wood on my floor.

    1. um, that is the most amazing compliment ever and i'm forever using the word "gotchies"

  2. also the girls coming to see her just reminded me i wish they had chosen anyone else to be the bachelorette

  3. film girl, totally agree! I would have preferred Leslie.

  4. Hasn't the Bachelor Pad been canceled for the year? It "may" be returning next year..what's up with that? It is the best part of the Bachelor franchise!