Wednesday, July 17, 2013

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 8

It's the week I've been waiting for all season.  Not only is the hometown dates episode one of my favorites, but this week, Des's brother (who's named Nate, who knew) shows up to basically make his "this show is so fucking stupid" face.  Nate, I LOVE YOU.  WILL YOU ACCEPT THIS ROSE?

The first stop on the Hometown express is Dallas, Texas where Desi-sucks is going to meet Zak Attack's family.  Des's outfit is so ugly that I'm pretty sure she shops at Ross Dress for Less but like, doesn't even find the cool "you got that at Ross?!" articles of clothing.  I almost feel like she should just wear wedding dresses in every episode.  My husband tells me that her outfit looks like something that I would wear (um, so mean)-- yes, I would wear jeans, boots, a shirt, and a jacket BUT I would never wear those jeans, those boots, that shirt, and that jacket. 

Anyway, Zak and Des reunite and his face literally lights up when he sees her.  I'm sad, because I suspect that he may be sent home this week, and I actually think of all the guys, he's the most into Desiree.  What is wrong with us women?  Why do we always reject the men that love us and chase the guys that don't?  Someone please write a BLOW OFF post about it.  Zak tells Des that he had some dream where it was really hot and they started melting, but then there was some snow in cups and then a bunch of kids showed up out of nowhere.  Hmmmm...sounds like an acid trip to me, but then I realize later that he's describing their upcoming date-- because Des gets to ride around in the Snow Cone Truck his parents own and go to an elementary school where they give snow cones to all these kids.  First of all, a snow cone truck?  Throw in some frozen yogurt and I would marry the guy right then and there.  Zak is really cute with the kids and puts on a penguin outfit to once again prove to us that he's spontaneous and adventurous.  Something about this date feels like it's right out of a scene from an Adam Sandler movie.

Zak then takes Des to meet his family.  They literally jump out of their chairs and scream with excitement when they show up.  I have to say, I loved Zak's family.  Maybe because it was still early in the episode and I hadn't overdosed on middle-class white people yet, but they just seemed really sweet and nice.  And I loved how they rolled their eyes when they found out Zak did the "Do you accept these abs" thing.  His dad is kind of silver fox, even though I'm pretty sure he didn't say a word the whole time.  His mom is a ton of fun, even though I'm not really sure what's going on with her hairstyle.  His brother and sister are also really attractive, but is it just me or do they look like they're ten years younger than Zak?  Maybe it's that hot Texas sun, but Zak looks kind of old compared to the rest of his family.  At the end of the date, Zak and his brother and sister sing Des the song he wrote for her, but now they change the lyrics to reflect how much Zak's family loves her.  Um-- did they really just do this now or have they been rehearsing it?  They have decent voices and the whole thing is a combination of sweet, corny, and awkward.  Maybe they will get a record deal out of this and they can name their band The Zak Attacks and tour malls around America.  Either way, even though this song is still a rip off of the Black Crowes, it's very sweet and if Des already knows she's going to give Zak the boot, then she should go kill herself right now.

At the end of the night, Zak and Des say good bye and Zak gives her a little box that he bought in Atlantic City with a fake diamond ring inside.  He said he's been keeping the ring in his pocket throughout this entire journey.  Wow.  It's cheesy, but I kind of love how sentimental this guy is.  He tells Desiree that he loves her and they make out.  Part of me wants Desiree to get mouth herpes after everything is said and done.

Stop #2: Scottsdale, Arizona to meet Drew's family.  WTF.  It's like if you're not from Arizona, Utah, or Texas you can't be on The Bachelorette.  Remember on Emily's season when she visited hometowns?  Sean was from Dallas.  Arie was from Scottsdale.  And Jef was from Utah (where Des will go later in this episode to meet Brooks's family.)

Drew and his perfectly coiffed hair reunite with Desi-lame and it is at this moment that I realize Drew and Anderson Cooper would make a stunning couple.  Or that Drew should play Bob Benson's lover on the next season of Mad Men.  I feel like every time Drew kisses Des, it's his lame attempt to tell the world that he loves boobs and vaginas.  Drew fills Des in on all the people they are going to meet and explains that this is the first time his father has been in his mother's house (they are divorced, she's remarried).  Drama!  But first, Drew Hair Gel and Desiree will go to his sister Melissa's house to pick her up.  Drew has warned Desiree that his sister is severely mentally handicapped and that she isn't capable of expressing herself-- which means she can't tell Drew if she thinks Des is super boring and a bad dresser.

Honestly, I don't have anything funny to say about Melissa and I think we all agree that I would be an awful person for making any jokes.  It was sweet to see Drew with his sister and though it makes me sad that she's basically living in a home and is barely even seen the rest of the episode (i.e. not sitting with Des, Drew, and the entire family while they all drink wine in the yard) I can't pass judgment in a situation like this.  Sadness.

Okay, back to making fun of people.  Drew's family was nice.  I would say, they were probably the least memorable of all the families.  And let's be real-- none of these families were really all that different from each other (read: middle-aged white people).  I'm guessing they were all probably relieved that Drew brought a girl home with him instead of the person he's really in love with: Brooks. Drew tells his mother that he's in love with Desi-bore and that they are soul mates and his mom is all kinds of happy for him.  Drew's dad makes me get all teary-eyed when he tells Des that their daughter Melissa is an angel (even though my idea of an angel is someone who has it super easy chilling in heaven-- not someone who has to struggle every single day of their lives.  Sorry God, that's just how I feel.)  But, I was also raised as a non-believer which is why I pronounced Drew's father's name Malachi as Mal-a-chee--- my husband had to tell me it's actually Mal-a-kai.  Oops.  Not my fault I've never read the bible and he spells his name wrong, but I guess everyone does on this show.

After Des meets Drew's family, they say good bye and he "boldly" tells her that he loves her.  Des gets all sorts of excited and kisses him passionately as a way to say: I can't wait to bone in the fantasy suite. Oh are in a for a sad surprise.

Now for the third stop on the hometown express: some city in Oregon I've never heard of.  I'm so excited that we are in a blue state for once.  Way to go, Chris!  This hometown date was a huge disappointment for me, because I've always thought of Chris as the most normal guy on the show and one of my fave contestants, but he's not as normal as I thought.  First, Des and Chris meet at some park and we're forced to watch an excruciating sequence of them playing baseball together.  We get it.  Chris is athletic.  I finally Googled him and learned he used to be a relief pitcher for the Chicago Cubs.  I don't care though, because baseball is the most boring sport known to man and I don't want to have to watch it on The Bachelorette unless Chris Harrison is going to be there to commentate.  After playing a little ball, Des and Chris have a picnic and she gives him a gift.  Are you ready for this?  It's a bunch of drawings from all of their most special moments on this journey.

SAY WHAT?  Is this not exactly the same gift Zak Attack gave her last week on their two on one date?!  That is kind of fucked up of Des to do the same exact thing for ANOTHER guy.  And her drawings SUCK.  I thought she was some sort of talented creative artist, but I'm pretty sure ABC hired Little Ricky to do all the artwork.  The good news is, we did not have to hear anyone read anyone a poem.  CUT TO:

Meeting Chris's family.  Let's just cut to the chase.  Chris's dad is a chiropractor and his practice is inside the house.  When he finds out that Des tweaked her back on the show, he offers to give her an adjustment.  Um, even Chris's father is trying to get some free publicity out of the show.  I feel bad for Des.  She just met the guy and he's touching her all over.  Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse...he gives his son a NOSE ADJUSTMENT.  I didn't even know a freaking nose adjustment existed and I have no idea why Chris consented to having one done on television.  I was so grossed out by this scene, I was wishing my husband and I were still watching Naked and Afraid on The Discovery Channel so I could look at some naked woman's bug bites instead.

After the super nasty nose adjustment, Chris's dad starts to ask him questions about Des and one of the first things he asks him is about Des's eating habits (i.e. if she's a healthy eater.)  Um, really-- that's what he cares about?  Weird.  Even though Chris's family seems like they are the strangest, they are actually the most normal, because they are clearly very skeptical about this whole process as opposed to Drew's parents who are like PLEASE MAKE DES A PART OF OUR FAMILY, STAT purely because she doesn't have a penis.  We also learn that Chris's family really hated his last girlfriend.  Wow.  Did he like bring home Amanda Bynes or something and she told them they were all ugly?  I need to find out!

Side note: I also find it odd when Chris's mom says how excited he was to find out that Des was in fact The Bachelorette.  I don't understand why these grown men are fans of this franchise.  If you are a dude, I repeat, you are only allowed to watch this show if you have a wife or a girlfriend forcing you to watch it.

FINALLY.  The last hometown date.  Salt Lake City, UT.  I know Brooks is for sure the frontrunner as soon and him and Des reunite and she does the old run, jump, hug, and straddle move on him.  I don't know what it was about Brooks in this episode, but I thought he seemed a lot hotter.  I think it was his hip outfit.  I'll spare you the super cheesy boring part of Brooks and Desi-yuck sitting in the park as she goes over all of the special moments on their journey that she's written down.  Something about clouds, the hollywood sign, Brooks breaking his finger.  No one cares.

I've been wondering all season if Brooks is a Mormon and I finally get my answer when they arrive at his house and he has so many family members that they are all wearing name-tags.  Which begs the question-- when did his dad leave cause he obviously stuck around for awhile to impregnate his mom that many times.  It's really unclear how many of these people are Brooks's siblings and how many have just married into the family, but it's like The Osmonds up in that piece.  His family seems really nice though and Des fits right in. 

The best thing about Brooks is that I actually don't think he's that into Des.  He's trying REALLY hard to be into her, but I don't see it.  And it's pretty obvi that Des would marry him now if Chris Harrison magically showed up to officiate.  The time with Brooks's family was pretty uneventful. He hangs out with his bros for awhile and one asks him "a really serious question"-- does Brooks think he can make Des happy for the rest of her life?  Wait.  You have to ask yourself that before you marry someone?  I think what's more appropriate of a question is: do you think you guys will want to watch the same TV shows together for the rest of your life?

At the end of the night, Brooks STILL does not tell Des that he loves her which may be why he's becoming more and more attractive to me.  Their kisses still gross me out and I'm hoping at the end of this, Drew and Brooks break up with her so they can finally move to California, get married, and start a life together.

Now for the moment I've been waiting for all season.  There has been a major shortage of helicopters this season, but to make up for that, ABC finally included a scene of Desiree standing on her hotel balcony pondering which man she should shit all over later.  Oh, how I've missed these pensive balcony scenes.  But seriously, the moment I've really been waiting for.  NATE DOGG!   Des's brother shows up at the hotel and we learn that they haven't seen each other since he cock blocked her with Sean.  Personally, she should be thanking him, because if he hadn't sabotaged things, Des may have missed out on being The Bachelorette.  I know Catherine says Sean is her best friend, but we all know Pocahantas was really hoping she'd get to travel the globe with 25 guys who would talk about how in love with her they are.

Honestly, I'm not sure Nate really said anything.  He just kind of had this mysterious smirk on his face the whole time, especially when Desiree gave him ridiculous descriptions of all the guys that are left.  I love that you can tell he thinks the whole show is bullshit, but he does say that he's glad Desiree is in charge this time around.

Here are some things I found out about Nate after Googling him.  He's two years older than Desiree and he has a Twitter account.  Naturally, I started following him and discovered that he describes himself as a "missionary/evangelist." NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.  A relationship between Nate and I would never work.  He's a total holy roller.  It would be so hot if ABC would let all the contestants wear their religion on their sleeve.  You know Des would say things like: "I know God brought Brooks and I together on this cloud to remind us that there is a heaven" OR "Jesus was testing me with James Goodfella and I proved that the devil won't get a rose from me."

Des and Nate say good bye, but I'm hoping he'll show up in the last episode to meet the two remaining guys.

Now for the rose ceremony.  Chris Harrison finally shows up and he and Des discuss the fact that she's in love with Brooks but that he's the only guy that hasn't said the L word to her.  Des has convinced herself that the only reason he's holding back is because of the situation they're in-- not the fact that--um-- maybe he doesn't love her because he's into dudes.  I believe this might be one of the first times that the Bachelorette has actually said she loves a contestant before the final rose and I'm not sure I like it.  It just feels sort of anti-climactic to me. After the boring therapy session, Chris Harrison escorts all the guys up to the roof and we see....Nate standing behind some pillar, spying!  The only thing that would have made this more shocking and amazing is if Drew's sister Melissa was with him. 

Anyway, after meeting all the families, it seems like Chris and Zak are probably the ones on the chopping block and as suspected poor Zak doesn't get a rose.  He's totally shocked and I feel really bad for him.  He should just take a mental picture of Des in the hideous cocktail dress from Panache that she's wearing and maybe that will make things easier on him.  Des gives Zak the ring back that he gave her and he gets into the limo.  He says he doesn't want to go back to his old lonely life.  Poor Zak.  Why does he have such a hard time meeting a nice girl?  The limo pulls over and Zak throws the ring out the window--- which was a real missed opportunity for ABC, they totally should have had My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion playing over all this.

I really want Zak to be the next Bachelor.  I don't think it will happen, because he's not that hot.  But personality goes a long way with us ladies and he definitely has more charisma than the rest of the guys.  I really really hope he doesn't go back to his original plan and become a priest.

Next week is the Men Tell All episode which is kind of odd-- because correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that usually air when there are only TWO contestants left?  Hmmmm...something fishy is going on.  Luckily, I am friends with the publicist on the show and he tells me that the next three weeks are going to be really good.  It's about freaking time!   I cannot wait to see Mikey T back next week.  You just know he's gonna have a lot to say at the Men Tell All. 

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