Wednesday, July 31, 2013

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: Finale, part one!

OMG.  THIS EPISODE WAS SO NUTS.  I can't even process everything that took place or how the mad geniuses at ABC threw me for a complete loop.  I mean, even though I try to avoid spoilers at all costs, everyone kept saying that Desiree and Brooks ended up together.  Let's just say that's not what happened in this episode.

The fantasy suite week kicks off on the island of Antigua (yet another place in the Caribbean I've been pronouncing incorrectly for the last however many years.)  First, we have to listen to Desiree discuss in excruciating detail how she feels about all the guys-- Basically, Chris has boyish charm (AKA I have no interest in sticking his penis in my mouth let alone seeing his penis for that matter), Drew is the sweetest guy she's ever met (AKA he's totally gay) AND she's in love with Brooks and would marry him if he asked her right now.  (Words that will come back to haunt her: "They've all said they love me except for Brooks. He almost doesn't have to tell me he loves me for me to know, cause it's unspoken.")

Um, okay-- so let me get this straight: #1 boyish charm, #2 really sweet, #3 I want to marry him RIGHT NOW.  Hmmmm...which guy do you think she's most into?  Honestly, it's pretty much a toss up at this point.  Then we get footage of what's to come on the episode and it's revealed that Brooks is so confused about his feelings, he needs to go to Boise, Idaho to discuss it all on camera with his mother and sister.  HOLD UP?  Is he the one dumping her?  I thought it was Drew this whole time!  GAME CHANGER.

Disclaimer: there will be a lot of ALL CAPS in this post.

Drew gets the first date in this episode and already I don't give a shit because all I care about is what's going to go down with Brooks and Des.  But...I guess I'll keep watching. Let's discuss the other crazy thing about this episode.  What the hell was up with Desiree's island gear?!  I mean, forget about the Brooks debacle at the end of all this.  Her fashion choices in this episode were unforgivable.  One minute she looked like she was part of the ensemble from the Broadway musical Mamma Mia, then she looked like she'd been borrowing clothes from Whoopi Goldberg, then she looked like she was auditioning for a high school staging of HAIR, then she wore a CROP TOP MULLET shirt.  Honestly, the most shocking part of this episode was that all three guys didn't dump her after those outfits.  Especially Drew, because he's gay and has great fashion sense.
Anyway, back to Drew's date.  Desiree keeps gushing about how hot he is and I just don't see it.  Way too much product in his hair and I'm just not into the waxed chest look.  But that's probably because I'm into straight guys.  But I digress.  These two crazy kids do what they do best for most of the date: make out.  I'm pretty sure Drew always has his eyes closed while he kisses Des so he can pretend that he's actually really kissing Brooks.  They drive to some "party" on the island where we have to sit through them hanging out with locals, eating food, and buying stuff made out of straw.  My favorite part about this date is the pervy local who probably knew Drew was gay, but for shits and giggles told him and Des to kiss.  And then as they were kissing told them to kiss "intense."  Basically, I take this to mean that Drew was giving her air kisses and the local was very confused by this.

Their date gets truncated because, let's be real, no one cares about any of this and we need as much screen time as possible for the Brooks break up.  After an endless scene of them kissing under an umbrella, their romantic dinner date (that Des planned, take that production) gets rained out so that means they have no other choice but to go straight to the fantasy suite date.  Which side note, is the most ghetto fantasy suite I've ever seen.  It's like the show didn't bother, because they knew there was about zero chance of any sex taking place between Drew and Des.  That said, I'm a little surprised by Desiree, because I'm guessing since she was on Sean's season and since there was some talk of faith this season (and because her brother is an evangelist) she's a bible thumper.  But when she gives Drew the fantasy date card courtesy of Chris Harrison-- there's no talk of "I'm not that kind of girl."  They were both all about it.  Maybe that Jonathan guy who kept inviting her to the fantasy suite in the first episode had the right idea? 

So....they make out and make out and make out and Drew asks the camera people to leave, because he doesn't want to them to capture the moment when he has to tell Des that he can't get hard.  Oh, before all the making out, Drew tells her how in love with her he is and Des does what she does best: smiles and nods.  I will say this about Drew-- he's the least sentimental of all the guys.  Unless I was too busy live-tweeting, he didn't buy her some sort of fantasy suite gift or write her a poem or draw her a picture of every alley way they made out in.  Probably because he was too busy making that gift for Brooks. 

Before Des's next overnight date, we get a scene of Brooks standing on a bridge in a park while thinking about how un-in love with Desiree he is.  He's so desperate for advice or a free trip to Boise, Idaho that he had production take him there so he could talk things out with his mom and sister.  That would be so hot if like every time I needed advice from my mom, I flew to San Jose, California.  He basically tells them that he's not feeling it with Desiree and he doesn't know what to do.  He says that their next date is their "exotic date" and he's nervous.  Exotic?!  Who, ever in the history of the bachelor franchise, has ever called it that?  Clearly having sex with a woman is very exotic for Brooks.  His sister and mom give him the world's most obvious advice: tell Des.

Here is the problem with the show-- and this only makes sense if Brooks is not gay-- but isn't it COMPLETELY NORMAL for Brooks NOT to be in love with Desiree?  Aside from meeting his family, they've had two dates by themselves which consisted of trying on wedding dresses and being on cloud nine.  His sister tells him that at this point, he should be madly in love with Desiree and if he's not, then he needs to take himself out of the running.  I don't necessarily think this is fair.  What if instead, he was just like-- hey I'm not in love with you, do you want to just date instead of get engaged and see where this goes?  I guess the most painful part of all of this is that Brooks knows he'll NEVER be in love with Des.  Ouch.  Don't worry Des, it's not you.  It's your uterus and ovaries and boobs and vagina and your lack of penis.

This would be the perfect moment for Brooks to then come out of the closet to his mom and sister, but he sadly doesn't do that.  No H8, Brooks.  No H8.

Again, gay thing aside, even though I feel all kinds of terrible for Desiree, I kind of don't blame Brooks for not being in love with her.  Remember this from their first date?  Brooks cries and Des smiles and nods:
The second overnight date goes to Chris the poet.  This guy is toast.  When was the last time the guy who had the middle fantasy suite date actually won the whole competition?  Like never.  But don't feel too sad for Chris, because he did get to go on a helicopter ride on his date with Des, but do feel a little sad for him because Des was wearing some crochet-fringe-vest get up.  The helicopter drops them off on some island where they proceed to do nothing but make out, while Des's voice over says how she's madly in love with Brooks and wants to marry him.  Just kidding, but seriously-- they may as well have done that.  Des keeps saying that the physical attraction is there between her and Chris as they dry hump in the sand.

After Des and Chris get all the sand washed out of their butt cracks, they meet for dinner.  Suddenly, the music gets super ominous when they start to talk about the future and where they will live if they end up together.  Well...Chris will live in Seattle and Des is thinking she'll have to live in Los Angeles, because that's where they film Dancing with the Stars.  I find it odd that they're only having this conversation now, but things get even weirder when the two of them start talking about how they're good at making eye contact at restaurants and that's why they'll make an amazing couple.  huh?  See for yourself:
Des invites Chris to the fantasy suite and he accepts.  He then--surprise, surprise-- reads her a poem, which was a letter.  Not a poem.  I think Chris thinks if he pauses between sentences then everything is a poem.  Anyway, I think it's kind of sad that Chris is the only straight guy left in the competition, yet he has zero chance of ending up with Des.

Oh no, I'm so nervous.  Brooks is in Antigua and there's a knock on the door and it's....CHRIS HARRISON.  Shit is about to get real, folks.   I really hope Harrison gets paid extra for these ridiculous therapy sessions.  The scene is basically a repeat of Brooks asking his mom and sister for advice, but if this whole thing wasn't humiliating enough, Brooks tells Harrison that this isn't about him not being ready to settle down.  In other words, he just doesn't want to settle down with her.  And knows he never will.  He pretty much admits that he's 100% certain that Des is not the woman for him.

I'm pretty sure for the majority of this conversation, Harrison was trying to decide what to eat for dinner, but he tells Brooks that he needs to be a man about this and tell Desiree.  This conversation would be so much shorter if Harrison just broke it down for him and said: you're gay, she's a woman, end of story.  (Yes, I also live tweeted that line last night.)

So, right before her date with Brooks, we once again keep hearing Desiree say that she's in love with him and wants to marry him and that their relationship is much further along than her relationship with the other two guys.  I find this all very confusing.  The show aired footage early on of Des talking about the fact that she's in love with Brooks (or that she's "crossing the finish line".)  I wonder if the contestant normally say this shit but the show just edits it out-- but since they knew Brooks was going to dump her they left it all in? 

I honestly can't do justice to the break up scene between Brooks and Desiree.  The worst part about the whole thing is A. She's wearing a crop top mullet when she gets dumped and B.  you know she's been SO excited for this fantasy suite date.  At least her abs looked great.  I also wouldn't be surprised if she didn't sleep with the other guys because she was saving herself for Brooks.  And I'm sure she suffered through a very painful Brazilian wax leading up to this.  She can tell immediately that there's something wrong and Brooks basically tells her that his feelings are not there.  Like, in their whole walking, skipping, jogging, running, finish line analogy of love, Brooks is running.  AWAY.  He's running away.

Des completely breaks down and confesses that she's totally in love with him.  Brooks then asks why she didn't tell him that (uh, should it have made a difference?) and she says she couldn't (cause they are on a reality competition show.)  What's really disturbing about this whole interaction is that it reminded me of those terrible drawn out break up conversations where you keep crying and talking, because you know once you're done crying and talking, you have to say good bye and never see that person again.  Even though I find Desiree incredibly boring and that I'm pretty sure none of this would happen if she had better gaydar, I still feel really bad for her.  The whole thing is agonizing and no one deserves this.  Des says the hardest thing about this entire process is that she didn't want to share her heart (with the other two guys) she wanted to give it to Brooks.  So...let me get this straight.  They're just completely faking it with the other people the whole time? That's so fucked up. 

Anyway, another thing that Brooks mentions is that he found himself not missing Des during their time apart and the more time that went by, the harder it was to feel into her when they saw each other.   Yes, because nothing about this show is the way normal relationships work.  Think about when you've dated a guy and a week goes by between dates and you lose a ton of momentum.  I totally get it, Brooks.  The other problem is that you're gay.

There are a lot of tears and after Des has a near emotional meltdown, Brooks says he doesn't know what he should do.  Um, leave dumb shit.  He's going through classic break up remorse: that thing that happens when you dump someone and you're almost so flattered by how upset they are, you start to rethink it.  Anyway, you guys need to watch this for yourselves.  It's too insane to miss.  Poor Desiree, no one ever loves her back!:
I have to say, I thought Desiree handled herself really well and that's why I did not include any meann nicknames for her in this week's post.  She allowed herself to get emotional (she's not a robot!) AND she admitted to Brooks that she was in love with him.  But she didn't go out of her way at all to make him feel better or okay about what he was doing.  No regrets, Des.  None.  All that aside, this has to such a crazy self-esteem blow.  First Bryden left, now Brooks.  After weeks of getting used to having your ego stroked by 24 other guys, the guy you actually love dumps you??  At the end, Des says that "honestly, it's over for her".  And it has to be.  No other guy would want to be with her after seeing what happened between her and Brooks.  According to my new best friend Des's brother, next week's episode is even crazier.  Check it out:
What are the chances Brooks has a change of heart and comes back for her...?  Either way, I cannot wait to watch her confront him during the After the Final Rose. And I really hope they shuttled Juan Pablo in immediately after this so she could have some nice hot rebound sex.


  1. I just want to say I'm impressed that you did this because I would have been lazy and just copy/pasted the live tweets :)

    What I loved is that Des has been making out with guys on this show since the first second she could and even on the two other dates in this episode, she's all "oh i'm having a great time, make out with me!" just getting it in, even though she knows she's going to pick Brooks and then BAM

    i dont like her.

  2. also i made my boyfriend laugh/scared because when brooks is dumping her she does this real cry thing and i started laughing...

  3. LOL. My friends told me they cried during the finale and I felt guilty that I didn't so I watched the ending scene again last night so I could get sad and not feel like a horrible person. It SUCKS that she has to pretend to be so into the other guys too. I could not live with myself at all if I were her. It'll be interesting to see what happens next week. I mean, Chris gets all the way to the wearing of the suit stage so...