Wednesday, July 24, 2013

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: Men Tell All!

I have to say, this may have been one of the better Men Tell All specials in recent time.  Generally, when it comes to the dudes who become The Bachelorette "villains" they totally pussy out about coming on this thing. But both Daddy Ben and James Goodfella showed up (because they are camera whores.)  What I love about the dudes tell all VS the chicks is that the guys are forced to sit together the whole time.  Remember how in Women Tell All specials when people like Tierra and Courtney would be ushered in just for their segment and then taken away into the night?  Well, not with the boys.  But unfortunately, no one threw down (well, Mikey T kind of did).  Here were the top eleven best (and worst) moments from the night IMHO:

11.  The bachelorette viewing party surprises.  Honestly, what shocked me about this segment was how hip and good-looking all the people were who hosted Bachelorette viewing parties.  Like, I swear I saw a few hipster guys with beards and fedoras.  Why are those guys watching The Bachelorette?!?!?  (side note: my husband had dinner plans last night, so he asked me to wait for him to get home to watch the Men Tell All special).  I love how everyone has to pretend to lose their shit because Desiree and Chris Harrison surprised them.  But if that wasn't bad enough, they then have to act super excited to see the likes of JP & Cupcake, Jason & Molly (old school), and Trista (who I think needed to use a walker).  Anyway, next year I'm totally signing up for this viewing party contest shit...because if Juan Pablo is The Bachelor, I would really like him to surprise me so I could chain him to my garage and make him kick a soccer ball over and over again (with his shirt off).

10.  Girl Talk! Really ABC?  Do I need to watch a segment where former bachelorettes give advice to Desiree?  First of all, Emily Hoodrat's face didn't move the whole time.  Ali Fedosomething's hair looked like the terrible weave Britney Spears got after shaving her head. Second of all, Emily has been in TWO failed Bachelor relationships and Ali and Roberto broke off their engagement (probably due to his sweating problem.)  Who would have ever thought that out of these three girls Cupcake Perfackt Ashlee would have the best hair and husband?  The best part was that I don't think she offered one piece of advice in this segment at all.  She did not seem like she was interested in hanging out with these bitches at all. 

9. Jonathan AKA Fantasy Suite guy.  Remember the guy in the premiere episode who kept asking Desiree if she wanted to go to the fantasy suite?  Well, he made an appearance at the Men Tell All to apologize to the viewers and to Des.  And shit, he's kind of hot.  Honestly, I think it's kind of a shame that Des sent him home before the rose ceremony.  The guy was drunk and he was making a joke.  It really wasn't that big of a deal.  This season was desperate for some comic relief and witty one-liners and I really think Jonathan could have provided that.  Sadly, Larry the doctor did not make an appearance on the Men Tell All, because he's huddled in some corner somewhere, rocking back and forth, cursing the day that Des's dress got caught on something when he dipped her.  He practiced that like 300 times with 500 different people!

8. Bryden: WTF?!  Why didn't Bryden speak at all?  I've been to a Men Tell All taping and I swear they get at least five hours of footage from these dudes that they then edit down...so I'm sure Bryden just ended up on the cutting room floor-- but he seemed like such a front-runner early on that it didn't feel right to have Fantasy Suite guy get more screen time than him.  I bet Des told the producers that she didn't want anyone to focus on the fact that Bryden basically dumped her out of the blue.  (The rumor is he wanted to return home to be with his girlfriend.)

7. Brian: the one bad boy from the season that chose not to face the music was Brian-- the guy who had a girlfriend but told her he was just going away on a long business trip.  This was kind of disappointing, because the show never really gave him a chance to explain himself when he got ambushed by his psycho-GF Stephanie.  My guess is that he did not show up, because the two of them were too busy throwing rocks at each other.  I did a little Googling and in fact, the two of them are back together.  Is this good news or bad news for her son Donovan? 

6. In Mikey T we trust.  Man, I've missed Mikey T and his well-tailored suits.  He was probably one of the contestants who was most frequently mentioned AFTER he got the boot from the show, since Kasey and Drew heard him and James talk about how they were going to help each other hook up with girls in Chicago. Mikey T momentarily lost his shit on stage with Kasey-- right when Kasey said something about him wanting to get with tall girls.  WHAT?!  Mikey T was seriously offended by this-- does that mean he only loves short women?  Watch the clip below.  Amazing.  I think Kasey did a really good job of defending himself after all this.  Even more importantly, can someone tell me what James kept saying about Michael G that gets bleeped out?  That he was masturbating off camera?  Taking a shit?  Someone please tell me.
                   
5. The James and Desiree confrontation. I don't know if it's because the James story has been discussed ad nauseam on the show, but by the time the dudes were debating over it on the Men Tell All, I realized I really did not care anymore.  If you really think about it, what they said was not all that crazy or shocking.  I mean, look at James and Mikey T-- what else would anyone expect from these two?  I love how they both felt like they didn't have a chance with Desiree, because she gave Brooks the group date rose and because they are "really different from Brooks" (they are meat-head straight guys and Brooks is a closeted homosexual is what they mean, I think.)   Anyway, James gets his hopes of being the next Bachelor dashed when Chris Harrison asks the audience if they want him to be the next bachelor and they all boo.  He seriously looks like he was about to cry when this happened.  When Des comes out (in her FUGLY ass dress), she does a decent job of confronting James and telling him how he manipulated her the whole time, but he also made a good point about her dating 25 guys.  This segment would be so much better if they had Des's brother come out and confront James. 

4. Dan, Daddy Ben, and the baby mama.  This was definitely the most dishy moment on the Men Tell All special.  When Ben is in the hot seat to talk about the fact that he finally revealed in the limo ride home that he was a total douche-bag-- Dan (who I barely remember from the show) informs everyone that he ran into Ben's baby mama in Las Vegas and she told him that Ben is an absentee father--- and that he knocked her up while cheating on his girlfriend.  AWWWWW SHIT.  No wonder he always avoided the topic of his baby mama.  I knew it was a one night stand!  Dan is my new hero for life after relaying this information.  I 100% believe it all to be true.  Shit, I just Googled it and Ben's baby mama denies it all, but I'm still choosing to believe it (maybe Ben threatened to stop giving her money if she confirmed it.)

3. Zak's song (and poem).  You guys all know that Zak's been a favorite of mine along the way.  Even if asking a girl to go to the fantasy suite is deemed creepy, but stripping down to your underwear the first night is not.  But...I kind of felt like he laid it on too thick at the Men Tell All.  Between the invisible poem in the journal (which was better than anything Chris or Des had written all season) AND the song he sang at the end of the episode, it was all too much.  When Zak said he had prepared something to say to Des, I thought he was going to ask her a few questions about why she broke up with him, but instead...he broke out the guitar and sang a sad song about I don't know what, while Desiree awkwardly watched.  Listen people, getting dumped SUCKS, but sometimes you kind of need to learn to play it cool.  I would like to write a romantic-comedy script where a scrappy girl gets hired to work on the oil rig with Zak and at first they hate each other, but then they fall in love, get married, and name their first born "Rig."

2. Juan Pablo.  FINALLY Juan Pablo gets the screen time that he deserves.  He even had his very own interview with Chris Harrison, purely for being hot.  It's like the show was desperately making up for the fact that they cut him out of every episode.  They showed all this footage of him talking to Desiree about his daughter-- that I totally don't remember seeing.  Was I just zoning out or was this the first time we saw some of it???  The other shocking thing about Juan Pablo is that he made some really good and articulate points about the rest of the guys.  He called Ben out on using the infamous "I"m not here to make friends" line the very first night in the house.  He said he liked James, but he wouldn't let him date his sister or his daughter (that's good, because his daughter is 4).  He even had his very own fan club in the audience with those chicks wearing the Juan Pablo T-shirts.  Even though I feel like if he becomes the next bachelor, it'll just be ten episodes of him teaching women how to pronounce his name, I don't care.  I love him.

1.  The reaction shots from the audience.  The reaction shots this episode were amaze-balls.  Between people opening their mouths super wide, shaking their heads, laughing it up, booing, and CRYING, it was definitely the highlight of the evening.  But this one was my all time favorite.  It sort of says it all, don't you think?
So guys, WTF do you think is going to happen next week?! I'm so scared!

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