Tuesday, July 9, 2013

the BLOW OFF air ball

Editor's note: I was SO excited to receive this amazing story from our loyal reader Chrissy.  I can't tell you guys how freaking happy it makes me when you send us your break up stories.  if you want to be as cool as Chrissy, send us your sob story at theblowoffwtf@gmail.com 
From Chrissy:
I was recently reminded of an incident I've been wanting to share with you all. Let's take a little trip back in time, circa 2010, when yours truly was fresh out of a relationship and still not open to the idea of seriously moving on with someone else.

My friend's daughter "Miriam" was taking part in a high school romance with a guy "PJ" that the whole family (myself included) had taken in as one of their own. They were the classic hopeless romantic high school sweethearts we love to roll eyes at. So in the midst of my struggles to "get back out there" these two sweet beings decided that I would be a great match with the Varsity basketball coach at Blah Blah Blah high school. Being a talented player and having a close relationship with the coach, "PJ", told me all about him and how great and fun he was and how cute it would be if we got together, etc etc. After some hesitation on my part (blind dates and set ups aren't usually at the top of the list for many people) and some prompting by my friend I allowed my number to be passed along by my third party match makers in true high school fashion. If nothing else I figured this would make for a good story or some laughs or even the ever so popular 'rebound'.

Pre Game. "Coach" initially came off as very sweet, funny, and charming via text so I promptly decided to rip the band aid off the break up and go on a blind date. My momma didn't raise no fool, this girl doesn't turn down free dinner.

The Tip-Off. Words can't describe the awkwardness that goes down in this situation. We didn't spend a long time bonding via text (yes, that's all I got beforehand) so at this moment... Do you hug? Shake hands? High five? Slap an ass? (Wait, that's baseball). I felt that the initial, what-does-this-person-really-look-like jitters were put to ease when each of us saw that the other wasn't a circus freak (or not).

Half Time. I tried to keep the conversation going and the eating to a minimum. Again, the nerves set in when you are eating in front of someone you have never met...sober. To date, I still prefer my first encounters to be random and involve some booze and obnoxious laughs as the two of us wolf down oversized burritos from a taco shop. At this point no one cares about the possibility of food stuck in your teeth or your lack of knowledge when it comes to cuts of meat and ingredients you can't pronounce. There was good banter, bad jokes (which I'm a sucker for), and intriguing topics. We sat there chattin' it up and I began think, ok, I know I'm not looking for anything serious but this could be a fun time. He's scoring some points in the paint. Then...

The Brick. This is where shit just gets weird. The conversation suddenly took a serious turn as Coach decided to share with me his love history. I kept mine to a very brief synopsis and only discussed it because he brought it up and pushed the issue. I'm not okay with discussing the past or the gory details of what went wrong at this stage. I kept it to a simple "we just weren't meant for each other" explanation. He however let me know that he was fresh out of a relationship and ready to "move on." He stated the last girl he was with was a rebound of sorts. Ok, I thought, no big deal. Easy guy...we barely met. I later found out that she was a former student of his! Foul!! (She was well over the legal age...but, ew). He continued on to let me know that he was married once before, he was really young, it was a mistake, told me her name, etc. I start to squirm a little and began to wish we could go back to passing movie quotes back and forth at each other. But, oh no...

Flagrant Foul. He then proceeds to tell me that after his marriage at 20ish but before the recent former student fling there was a woman whom he loved very much. A woman whom he was engaged to. He asked me if "PJ" or "Miriam" had mentioned this to me. I said no and that they had kept things fairly brief and lighthearted with a few funny jokes about all 4 of us double dating after "PJ's" next game. Yes, that's how casual this was all supposed to be. Coach then looks at me and says, "Oh, I thought maybe he might have told you." At this point I'm realizing this date isn't going into over time, take the risk, and ask, "Told me what?" He admitted he wasn't sure if he should be sharing it but felt the need to just get it out of the way. Honestly, I was expecting him to say the engagement was on hold, or he didn't know how to leave her and wants me to help, or it was really for citizenship, or she was an alien from outer space, or, or, or, anything but what he proceeded to say!

He proceeded to explain to me that his fiancé had passed away recently after a long fight with cancer. There were no words. I was speechless (which doesn't happen often). I immediately wanted to hug this guy...mostly because I had no idea as to what I was supposed to say or how I should react. The pain in his eyes was still there. Don't get me wrong, this is terrible and not a single one of us should have to lose our loved ones before it is time, but the first date is not the proper playing field to share these stats. I mean, after that, the conversation was all about her: what she looked like, how long they knew each other, their inside jokes, his current relationship with her family, what he did after she passed, etc. I was not asking questions at this point, by the way. I commented and listened with interest but didn't encourage the play by play. All I kept thinking was, "Holy shit, this guy is more broken than I am...why is he telling me this?"

Fourth Quarter. After he finished his fairy tale from hell we parted ways. He gave me a big hug, said he had a nice time, and would love to hang again. I agreed. I had to give it a second chance, see if maybe he just needed to put it all out there, just be a friend if nothing else (who doesn't love new friends, right?).

Cut From the Roster. Fast forward a week or two and we chatted here and there via text. He friend requested me on Facebook with a follow up asking me why I wouldn't accept him. Ummm, because I barely know you! I don't put my dates on social media forums. Nonetheless, we began to make some plans to meet up again and then boom, nothing. No responses. I didn't try hard to figure out what was going on. Didn't think much about it because it wasn't a priority. Then in a random convo with "Miriam" and "PJ," Coach got brought up. Come to find out "PJ" knew what the deal was. Apparently, Coach told him he had a great time but he just couldn't go out with me again. At this point, I was thinking, he was still too sad, or maybe he didn't enjoy our convo as much as I did, maybe he didn't find me attractive...who knows. Then "PJ" begins to get nervous and looks like he is about to crush me with what he is about to say, "Well he said he likes you but he has to think of the future and he can't date you because.....you're too short." What the whaaaaat!?!? "PJ" went on, "he wants to have tall kids so they can play basketball and that's really important to him." Yes, folks,you read it correctly. My 5 foot nothin stature was just not enough to be part of the starting team!!!

We all found this hilarious considering we only met once and it wasn't a whirlwind love at first meeting scenario. TMI and your deceased fiancé is ok but my height is an immediate issue...because you want your kids to be able to play basketball?! Hahaha. Never heard from Coach again (wasn't disappointed in the least) but it was a great start to the escapades of dating.

Coach, wherever you are, let me remind you of a few shorties that have been a part of the game:
Nate Robinson and Isaiah Thomas, both 5'9''
Calvin Murphy 5'9'' (Hall of Fame)
Muggsy Bogues 5'3''

Best wishes to you on your quest for TALL love, hope you make the game winning shot before the final buzzer sounds!

As I write this, the famous words of one hit wonder Skee-Lo play repeatedly in my head
"I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller..."


  1. first of all, that skee lo song is my whole life

    secondly, i cannot believe this grown man was discussing these things with his STUDENTS

    third, this is a great story. like really great. i'm 5'2" so i feel ya girl.

  2. I hate that I picture Coach Taylor from Friday night Lights as I read this because i know he would never act this way. I can't believe he unloaded all the stuff about his fiancee that passed away and totes agree with film girl that it's super weird that he's talking about all this with high school kids. I'm five feet tall so I truly hate him for why he didn't ask you out again. I think we should get a gang of short girls together and attack him.

  3. As a 5'1 gal I personally LOVE your song choice! And way too short...clearly he needs to venture into a People Magazine or US Weekly and see a majortiy of the Pro Athletes wives are on the short side.
    Agree with Saaara and FilmGirl Concerning he is sharing all this info with his students. Definitely odd.

    **Short girls unite!**

  4. this was the most amazing story ever told. btw teachers dating slash boinking former students is kinda normal these days.