Monday, July 8, 2013

The Real Life Rom-Com

This is nothing new.  We've seen it in the movies a million times.  It's actually the plot of at least 75% of romantic comedies.  Friends or one friend that realizes they are in love with their best friend of the opposite sex.  Sure, there are current significant others, the fact that they know each other almost too well, and a variety of other obstacles that stand in the way during the first two acts, but at the end of the movie the friends usually unite to become something more.
That's all well and good but as I will be the first to (sadly) point out, movies are not real life.  So having only movies as my template, how do I go from real life friends to more?  And I'm not talking a booty call or friends with benefits, although in my case it started with a subtle birthday sext.  I'd had feelings for him for awhile but there were obstacles in my first two acts... of course I realized my feelings way too late, there was a girlfriend, him moving to another city (that's not far away).  But the other week something came over me and I just decided to go for it.  I sent him a picture of me turned around, wearing cute underwear and wrote, "All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho!  Happy Birthday!"

After I sent the text, sorry, sext, I had the cliche feeling in the pit of my stomach.  How could I have just done that?  Now it's out there.  But luckily I got a speedy reply.  He asked:
"Is that you?"
To which I replied, "It certainly one of 2 Chainz hoodrats."
"Best birthday present ever."

I'm not sure if it's that my ass looked amazing in the photo from all of the squats I've been doing at the gym or if he found me quoting 2 Chainz "Birthday Song" amusing, or if he was generally intrigued or interested or what.  But it got the conversation started and kept it going. I even received an invitation to come and visit.  So now I'm faced with three potential scenarios of how this will all play out.

Scenario 1: You try dating, it doesn't work out, but somehow you manage to retain some semblance of your former friendship.

Scenario 2: You try dating, it's a disaster and you can no longer have any sort of relationship with the other person.

Scenario 3: You try dating, it works out, and you can gloat to all of your friends that your partner is your best friend while you stand on your soapbox and remind them how important friendship is for a base for any romantic relationship.

Regardless, our friendship as it was is now over so I will soon find myself in one of the above three categories.  But here's the thing...I'm terrified.  This isn't someone I met in a bar.  I know that this is a good guy and the complete opposite of everything I've been going for which trust me, is what I need.  But am I ready?  Also even though I want it, the thought of him touching me or kissing me or.... is really weird.  I'm definitely going to need some wine if this situation ever comes to fruition and I go visit.  That being said, I don't want this to turn into a booty call either.  I know, I know...I put all of this out there with a sext.  But that's also my personality.  Maybe I need to find a new way to flirt.

I don't know if this will turn into a relationship or blow up in my face.  I've been reading a book for writers called The Tools by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels and they say that as humans we pretty much do anything to remain in our comfort zone and avoid pain.  But to get to all of the good stuff in life we have to go towards the potential pain (not in an S&M way) so we are open to infinite possibilities.  I like that advice so that's what I did and the ending remains to be seen. 

Have any of you ever tried dating or having a relationship with someone that was formerly just in the friend zone?  Do you think it's a good idea to try dating a friend as long as it's not a friends with benefits type of deal?


  1. This hits WAY too close to home for me. Everyone said my guy bestie was in love with me, I didn't want to believe it. Then I gave in, and we dated for 2.5 years. It was a DISASTER. I stayed for so long because I loved him, not IN love anymore, but loved him so much as a friend that I didn't want to hurt him. We were such great friends but such a horrible couple. He was the complete opposite of what I usually go for and it was NOT a good thing. I tried to make it work because I so desperately wanted to stand on that soapbox and have the romantic story of how we had been friends for 16 years first. But it all ended badly and we still haven't been able to be friends. So much pain was caused in the relationship that we're both having trouble getting past it. So my advice is: RUN FOR THE HILLS! It makes me so sad everyday that someone I once considered to be one of my best friends is no longer even in my life.

    1. Even though it ended like it did do you regret trying? Do you think you always would have wondered "what it?" To be honest since I wrote this last week, things have not been going as I would've liked them to but the future remains to be seen and I'm the type of person that drives myself crazy with what ifs.

    2. If I had a crystal ball and could tell the future, no I wouldn't have done it. I don't "regret" it, I strongly believe everything happens for a reason. But it's been a year and we're still no closer to becoming friends anytime soon. So for that reason alone, I don't feel like it was worth it to answer the "what if".

    3. Good to know. I hope you find someone fabulous!!

  2. I've done this as well... twice. Once with a guy that I was friends with for over 3 years and the other time with a guy I had been friends with for 6 months. And I didn't regreat either of them. Before I get into specifics, here is my take on the guy-girl friends thing, in general. (I acknowledge up front that there are always going to be exceptions, -- so please don't bite my head off if you disagree with me -- but in my experience this applies to the majority of male/female "platonic" relationships, particularly those that form when both parties are initially single...) Phewf! Okay...disclaimer over.

    Men are usually drawn to women they are attracted to. Period. At least initially. We can deny this as much as we want, but it's kind of like a biological fact. So we, as woman, hold a lot of te cards in terms of the "friend zone" stuff. But I promise you, most, if not all, of your male friends have thought about you naked at some point or another (yes, you can all collectively feel skeeved out right now). The upside is that also pretty much means that if you decide you have feelings for a guy-friend, as long as he is emotionally available and you go about it the right way, you can likely get a shot with him.

    To talk specifically about your situation: You admitted that a lot of the initial back-and-forth about "do I have feelings, or don't I?" was mostly about timing and other relationships on his part and/or your part or both, right? And you sent that text and got an immediate reply so that implies there is at least some interest on his part too. My only explanation for why things might not be going "the way you would've liked them to" in the past week, is he may be feeling a bit weird and - "where might this be going?" too. My suggestion to you is before you make any more moves, just make sure HE is what you really want and not the idea of a friend who is a nice guy who is what you SHOULD want.

    I remember feeling the same way when I was deciding what to do - particularly with the guy I had been friends with for over 3 years. Is it worth it to throw away the friendship on a "what if?" I think you have to decide how important his role is in your life. For me, I wasn't undecided about my feelings, so I knew I wouldn't be satisfied with him in my life as "just a friend," watching him date other girls, and eventually find someone serious if we hadn't given it a shot. So I was willing to take the risk of losing our friendship to get what I really wanted. I can't make that decision for you. Ultimately it didn't work out between us - we made it a very short-lived 4 months but I am happy to say we are still friends. :-)

    For the friend of 6 months - we jumped right into a relationship (I mean we went from 0 to bf/gf in a weekend) with no thought of the consequences on our friendship and I got "lucky" on that one because we did so mutually. We were together for a little over 2 years...but the romantic relationship ended badly because we had no long-term compatibility so I completely lost the friendship forever. Had we given a little more thought to whether we were actually a good fit and not that we just wanted to jump eachother's bones we probably could have saved ourselves a lot of heartache. But regret.

    Sorry for the long reply - just wanted to help, if I could.

    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to tell your story! It all helps and it's good to know how other gals have dealt with this type of situation.

      I think that I do really want him, not the idea of him. But after him blowing me up like it was going out of style he cooled off and then I kinda pursued a little but I'm kinda like wait I put myself out there and you're the one holding back. I'm not going to like force you to try something with me. You either want it or you don't. I even deleted his number (I gave it to a friend for safety but told her she was not to give it to me by any means if I had been drinking even a little bit). That way if he wants to reach out he can and I will just go with the flow. If not, at least I had the guts to put myself out there.

      Thanks again for sharing/ your advice/ I hope you find (or have found) someone amazing as well!

    2. Good call on not letting yourself drunk text have good friends! But I wouldn't be afraid to push a little bit more and get that visit set up! If he chickens out on that, then you have your answer...(And if that happens I would definitely throw away the number). But hopefully you'll go visit, then you can hang with him and see if it's as electric between the two of you as you (and we) hope it will be... Keep us posted!

      And thanks - I'm seeing an amazing guy now, so don't worry - even if it doesn't work out with "friend-guy" there are other great guys out there... :-)

  3. love this comment thread so much! I think Anonymous and Penny both totally have valid perspectives on this topic. I tend to be more of the "go for it" mindset in these situations. and yeah, it would be sad for the friendship to go away if the romance doesn't work BUT seriously, isn't that why we all have awesome female friends and gay friends? straight male friends are so overrated.

  4. Oh, boy. I have done this as well, in more than one case. In only one instance did the friendship completely implode. That really sucked (and Saara, I think straight male friends are UNDERrated!), and I have mixed feelings regarding regret. In some ways I am glad we went for it and experienced what we did, even if it wasn't meant to be long for this world. In another sense, I wish we had just stayed friends so I could still likely have him in my life. And, by the way, he is the one who blew off the friendship...the ultimate in blowoffs that I have experienced. So...I'm not sure. Definitely mixed on this one. But ultimately life is short and we'll all be dead eventually, so what the hell?

  5. Ladies: I think we need blow off posts devoted to all these stories. If you feel like sharing, email us at

    And Chloe, you are probs right about straight guy friends. It's weird, once you get married-- majority of all my guy friends are married too. the straight/single male bestie doesn't work quite as well when you're not single too.

  6. go towards the potential pain (not in an S&M way)

    Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.