Monday, August 5, 2013

An Open Letter to Juliet

Guys, can you believe there's yet another Romeo & Juliet movie coming out this year?  This one's starring Hailee Steinfeld of True Grit fame in the part of Juliet.  I sort of had an epiphany as I was watching the trailer.  Back when I was in high school and the Baz Luhrman version of Shakespeare's play came out, I was totes obsessed with Claire Danes as Juliet.  But now that I'm 32 and a girl half my age is playing the role-- I found myself thinking: Juliet, WTF?!  So, with that, here's my open letter to Juliet:

Dear Juliet,

Seriously, what the fuck?!  I know Romeo is hot, but come on, he is NO Leonardo DiCaprio.  And like, your families HATE each other.  They're mortal enemies.  Trust me, it's not worth it.  Think about how awkward your holidays are going to be for the rest of your life.  Every year, there's going to be a big ass fight about whether you get to spend Christmas with your family or whether you have to throw them a bone and just hang out with them over Thanksgiving.  Also, those Montagues are so fucking nuts.  Let's pretend for one second that you don't kill yourself.  Do you really want to deal with them forever?

And trust me, I've been you.  Romeo danced with you at a party and you had a ton of chemistry.  I feel you, boo.  When I was single I went to parties all the time-- I'd have a few drinks, flirt with a guy, and head home, convinced he'd end up being my husband.  I thought it was love too Juliet, but guess what?  After a couple shitty dates and vague text messages, things never panned out. 

The fact that those guys never offered to pay for a drink when we did go out or never texted afterwards was a deal breaker. But you know what else would have been a deal breaker?  If they KILLED one of my cousins.  I really love my cousins.  They're all awesome.  I could so not forgive someone or marry someone who murdered one of them. 

Also, I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but here goes: you're the rebound girl.  Yup.  The day Romeo met you, he was all kinds of bummed out that things between him and Rosaline didn't work out.  She totally rejected him.  The only reason he actually saw you at the party was because he was there looking for her.   I'm sorry, I didn't want to be the one to tell you that, but I thought you should know. The rebound girl always get dumped.  Always. 

Plus, you're barely even fourteen years old.  Have you even had your period yet?  Don't you think when you and Romeo are in your thirties you'll totally resent the fact that you didn't, I don't know, have sex with a few more guys before you decided to marry him?  Again, this is all assuming you don't kill yourself.

Which brings me to my next point: you KILL YOURSELF.  For a guy you've only known for a few days.  Ugh.  Juliet!  You have your whole life ahead of you.  Think of all the dudes (and girls) you could hook up with college.  I get it.  You're in love.  But you don't need to act all pathetic and desperate in the process.  Haven't you ever heard of the phrase "play it cool"?  Let me break it down for you.  Playing it cool does not include faking your own death by drinking poison that puts you in a temporary two day coma.  I know you feel bad when you wake up and realize that Romeo killed himself because he thought you were really dead, and yeah, that's kind of romantic but it's also really psycho.  I mean, look at how fast the guy got over Rosaline.  And now he's committing suicide over you?  Clearly, he's not emotionally stable.  If that whole misunderstanding with the messenger and Balthazar never happened, trust me, you so would not want to be with a guy like that.  He'd be all kinds of possessive and emotionally tortured.  He'd probably listen to nothing but Morrissey. 

Jules, I'm older than you and a little bit wiser.  Just trust me.  Don't kill yourself over a dude.  Just don't do it.  I know Romeo will always have a place in your heart, but there are other fish in the sea.  I mean, Paris is already all up in your grill.  Go have fun.  Live a little.  Don't die.  You'll thank me later.

Love Saaara