Wednesday, August 7, 2013

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: season finale (part 2)

It is with a heavy heart that I write this recap.  Seriously, this episode of The Bachelorette was a total shit show if you ask me and I'm so depressed about it, I don't know if I have the strength to make jokes.  So...let's start with the fact that...

...Des finished off her island gear from last week with a silk mumu straight out of Mrs.  Roper's closet.  Everything about this outfit says "I just got dumped and I'm sad."  Her hair is all frizzy, her fake eyelashes are super crusty, her face is all puffy.  Girlfriend needs to get it together.  And in order to do so, the producers sit her down with a heart to heart with Chris Harrison.  I'm super confused about timeline when it comes to this episode, because this is the same day as the rose ceremony-- which would mean it's the day AFTER Brooks dumped her, but then when we see Des the following morning she references how Brooks left yesterday-- so it's all sorts of confusing.  Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if we found out this entire season took place over the course of two weeks.

Anyway, Harrison asks Des how she's doing and after she says she's okay, he totally smirks at her and says "you're not okay."  Des breaks down crying which sort of melted my ice cold heart a tiny bit, because I could totally relate to that feeling when you don't want to cry, but everyone keeps asking if you're okay, and then you finally can't keep it together and burst into tears.  That's how it all went down.  Desi-lame and Chris discuss the fact that Brooks left her and he asks if she wants to continue with the other two guys.  She literally looks like she wants to throw up when he mentions the fact that Drew and Chris are still there.  I didn't need to be reminded of that fact, because their framed photos were strategically placed behind her.  But you know how when you get your heart broken, the sheer thought of another man makes your skin crawl?  That's how Des reacts.  Here's what she had to say about Chris the Poet:
                         (Side note: they end up engaged by the end of this episode.  
                         Like, this is about 5 days before she agrees to spend the rest of her life with him.)

So, after talking things out, Des decides she wants to continue on and Chris Harrison also decides he wants to continue on-- continue on snorting lines off the taut belly of an Antiguan hooker.  Gay Drew and Chris the Poet arrive to the rose ceremony and neither of them are wearing ties.  WHAT?  Did they plan this?  Something must be really wrong here.  Why are neither of them wearing neck ties, ABC?!  What does this all mean.

Anyway, first Harrison meets them to explain that Brooks isn't there.  Then Desiree comes out and literally sobs her eyes out in front of them over the fact that Brooks decided to go home.  She LITERALLY says: he turned my whole world upside down.  If I were one of the guys, I think that would be the moment I'd be like "Harrison, wait up!  I want to go get me a hooker too!"  But even though Des described Chris as nice & fun and Drew as sweet five minutes ago, she decides that there's still a chance that one of them could be her fianc√© in two days and she gives them roses.

The next morning, Des wakes up feeling rejuvenated after spending some time getting a spray tan, getting her hair and make-up done, getting an anal bleach, and doing her daily routine of 2,000 crunches.  Oh, that all happened off camera.  On camera, she woke up journaling.  I'm sure it went something like this: Dear Diary, COME BACK TO ME, BROOKS!!!

Destitute says she's looking forward to her date with Drew, because she still has hope with him even though she, no joke, dumps him five minutes into the date.  Drew meets her on the beach, they have the most awkward horseback ride ever, and once they get off the horses for a picnic, Des utters the dreaded "I really have to talk to you." The whole thing is sort of ironic.  How last week Des was getting her heart broken by Brooks and now this week she's saying the exact same things to Gay Drew that Gay Brooks was saying to her.  This means had Brooks stuck around, Desiree was planning to give Drew the boot after the fantasy suite date.  Which also proves my theory that poor vagina-fearing Drew could not get it up on their overnight date.

They have a very abrupt and weird good bye after Des tells him that she just can't see them having a future together and that there's something missing (AKA Desiree's penis).  Drew walks off the beach and into some van.  In his exit interview, he says that he's crushed and that he'd made up his mind that he was going to marry this girl.  By "made up his mind" I'm pretty sure he means he decided to live a lie and pretend to be straight forever.  Honestly, I felt really bad for Drew.  Especially because he just got dumped by a girl wearing a 1980s Pocahantas Halloween costume.  It doesn't matter how chiseled your abs are, Desiree-- that top is unforgivable.

I now assume that on her date with the Poet Laureate, Des will send him packing too, but it appears  she's decided she deserves a Neil Lane engagement ring at the end of all this, Brooks be damned.  So, she's all kinds of peppy with Chris when she sees him.  They go on a catamaran ride, where they awkwardly giggle and kiss and drink champagne.  Chris references in an interview that this is his last date with Des and that he's days away from proposing.  We listen as Des tries as hard as humanly possible in her interviews to convince herself that she wants to be with Chris.  Even though two days ago, she was describing him as "nice" and "fun" to Harrison as she held back tears and vomit.  I honestly feel like I'm watching Sleepless in Seattle and Des is Meg Ryan and Chris is Bill Pullman.  This is all kinds of wrong.  And then we get to see them swim together.  They both have a weird doggy paddle going.  They swim the way moms swim when they don't want to get their hair wet.  I'm not entirely sure either of them knows how to swim at all.  Maybe they are meant to be together after all!

Usually during this date, the guy meets the bachelorette's family and then they have the whole rest of the day and night to bump uglies, but ABC has reversed things on us, because Des is still in love with Brooks and still figuring out whether she wants Chris to meet her family. That night, she meets Chris in his hotel room and something SHOCKING happens.  She's actually wearing a really pretty dress. 

I have to say, I found it really fishy during this date that Chris made a point of telling her that every time they see each other, they're able to pick up right where they left off.  Um...this is EXACTLY what Brooks said he wasn't able to do with Desiree, remember?  He told her it takes awhile to get things back when they hang out and that he doesn't find himself missing her between dates.  I'm calling it now, the producers fed Chris these lines.  Especially since he and Des seem nervous and uncomfortable around each other every time they say hello.  Then, because it's the only game he has, Chris reads Des another poem and gives her a gift.  A journal.  Uh, yeah.  Zak bought her the same gift like six episodes ago. 

I don't buy it at all when Des cries about Chris in her interview or says things like "how could I not have loved him from the beginning?"  Let's take a moment to acknowledge that it's probably been about two days since Brooks left and she confessed to him the hardest part of this entire process was sharing her heart with the other guys, when she just wants to give it to Brooks.  Friends, this is what happens when a girl dates all the wrong guys her entire life.  She gets her heart broken and decides to get with the next nice, safe, boring dude she meets.  That is what we're witnessing here folks--- a rebound of epic proportions.  A girl choosing to love a guy, simply because he loves her and because he's straight.  Needless to say, Desiree decides that Chris is worthy enough to meet her family. 

One of the worst parts about this episode was having to exert the energy to press the fast-forward button during the sequences of Chris Harrison talking to members of the live studio audience.  I did stop to listen to his interview with Sean and Catherine.  He seems as in love with her as ever and she seems as in love with...the idea of dumping him and becoming The Bachelorette.  The runner-up from Sean's season, Lindsay, sits right across the aisle from them when he says that if Catherine dumped him the way Brooks dumped Des, he would have packed his bags and left, because the only thing that got him through the show was knowing he would be with her on the other side of it.

Let's take a moment to acknowledge how fucked up that is.  The bachelor(ette) is basically paid to string along a bunch of guys and fake-like them the whole time.  That's hateful.  At least Catherine  manages to say what's on everyone's minds: if she was Chris, she'd have a hard time getting over Des's reaction when Brooks dumps her.  WORD.

Anyway, Poet Face arrives to meet Des's family which is very exciting, because that means a long overdue appearance from our favorite brother of all time: Nate the Inmate.  I think I have a thing for Nate, because he's a cross between Matt Saracen from Friday Night Lights and Robert De Niro in Cape Fear.  Why I find Robert De Niro in Cape Fear attractive right now, I have no clue.   I'm pretty sure a huge part of the reason Des agreed to continue with the show (aside from the fact that she's on contract) is so her family who only took vacations in trailer parks could score a free trip to Antigua.  I hate to say it, but her parents seem a little bit off to me.  Like they spent most of their lives in the Appalachians or something.  Des's mom looks at her like she's SO excited the pretty popular girl from school is hanging out with her.  Chris does a decent job of charming them and Nate unfortunately doesn't fuck it up for Des.  He asks a couple serious questions, but nothing too offensive.  The strangest part is when Chris asks Des's dad for her hand in marriage, her dad pretty much reacts as though Chris asked him if he and Des could borrow the car for the night. The other weird thing about all this is that Chris still has no idea that he's the last man standing and that Drew was sent home already.

After Chris leaves, Des has a heart to hartsock with Nate the Inmate.  He tells her that he supports her, but points out that when he met up with her in LA, she seemed really into Brooks and that she shouldn't settle with someone else because Brooks left her.  Nate to Des: Never settle.

The BLOW OFF to Nate & Nate to the BLOW OFF:
The next day, Des puts on a fugly dress that doesn't fit her and waits for Chris to arrive to propose to her.  Here's the thing about Chris.  He's hot, he's got a great body, I have no idea what he does for a living, but apparently it's a really good job in Seattle, he writes poetry, he seems really nice, he's totally boring-- but we can even chalk that up to him being camera shy--- BUT he's not the man that Des is in love with.  I'm not pretending I understand why she loves Brooks, but the point is, you can't love one guy, then get engaged to another in the span of a week. 

And honestly, Des isn't the one I feel sorry for.  She's choosing to settle.  The one I feel sorry for is Chris.  He doesn't deserve to be the rebound husband.  He doesn't deserve to have his wife wake up in ten years after having kids with him be all like: just kidding, I still love Brooks.  And Chris's proposal to Desiree-- if you really listen to it-- was all kinds of sweet & beautiful.  She should be in love with him, but she's just not.  She's made the decision to be married to a guy who will always love her more than she loves him.  And that is sad. After Chris really eloquently tells Desiree he wants to share his life with her, he gets down on one knee and she stops him.  It's time she came clean about Brooks.  Uh, ya think?  Maybe they should have had this conversation three days ago and not right when the guy is about to propose.  She tells him he needs to know where her heart has been this entire journey.  She was in love with Brooks, she was torn between them the whole time, and she was so blind-sided by her feelings for Brooks, she couldn't see what was standing in front of her the whole time.   Translation: if Brooks never dumped me, I would so totally be getting engaged to him right now, but I guess this will do.

Chris puts the ring on Des's finger and they make out.   And I proceed to bang by head against the wall.  Cause less than a week ago, this was happening:
After the Final Rose is even more gross and strange.  Brooks comes out looking smoking hot and you can tell Desiree is completely affected by him.  I mean, if she's really over him then why is she asking him things like what changed between hometowns and Antigua? Then things get even more uncomfortable when Brooks learns for the first time that she's engaged to Chris.  You can tell he's thinking, uh why the fuck were you so devastated that I left if you were just going to get engaged to someone else in a matter of days???

Then Drew comes out and HELLOOOO, he's looking mighty fine.  I was never attracted to Drew this season, but I'm a sucker for a man that can pull off the navy/brown suit combination.  Forget Anderson Cooper, Drew totally needs to get with Tom Ford after all this is over.  I'm sad for Drew though, because you can tell he was genuinely into Des and was really torn up over getting dumped by her.  He asks her a lot of questions like-- when did she know she wasn't into him.  Answer: the whole time!  Don't these people get it?!  She was just pretending to like him, because she had to.    I'm sure Drew will have a couple of scandalous flings with a few former bachelor contestants until one of those chicks gives him herpes and he finally comes out of the closet.  Hopefully he and Brooks got in a make out sesh backstage.

When Chris the Poet comes out, he looks really good too, but him and Destitute just seem so ill at ease with each other.  She literally tenses up around him and when they watched their proposal, she completely rolled her eyes.  See below.
Des announces that she's moving to Seattle this weekend and that she and Chris have gotten a place together.  WHAT?!  She's from LA.  She's going to hate Seattle.  She is going to be SLEEPLESS in Seattle.  This is all kinds of wrong.  I give these two six months before they break up and Desiree convinces Brooks to date her.  I mean, what if under normal non-reality TV circumstances, things between her and Brooks would really work?!  (They wouldn't, he pretty much made it clear last week if she was the last woman on earth, he still wouldn't stick it in her).

The most frustrating part of the After the Final Rose special was the fact that Chris Harrison never really questioned Poet Face about how he felt about the footage of the Des/Brooks break up.  I mean, I even remember Roberto and Ali Fedotoskwhat admitting it was really hard for him after he saw her crying over Frank leaving.  All Harrison really asked was if after everything Chris could trust their love was real.  Fuck that.  How about: how did it feel when Des was balling when she said she didn't want to share her heart with you, she wanted to give it to Brooks.

I'll never understand this.  And I will never forgive ABC, Chris Harrison, Brooks, Brooks's broken finger, Destitute, and Drew's sister for putting me through this. 

Well, that's it folks.  We'll be back in January to recap Juan Pablo as The Bachelor.  But those recaps will all be written completely in Spanish.  Until then, how long do you give Chris and Des before they either break up or get divorced?  Comment below!


  1. i really wanted this post to just be JUAN PABLO in giant letters

  2. 6 months tops!

  3. This was the last time I watch this obtuse show