Wednesday, August 21, 2013

the high VS low maintenance BLOW OFF: a guide

When the H bomb and I get together with my sister and brother-in-law, the dudes love to bond over the fact that "the Saedi sisters are not easy to please".  This is basically a polite way of calling us high maintenance.  Personally, I prefer to think of my sister and I as opinionated, strong women, who aren't lame-ass pushovers. Plus, traditionally when you think of a woman that's high maintenance, she's more of the label-whore, gold-digger, "I deserve to be treated like a princess" variety and we are definitely none of those things.  (Marc Jacobs doesn't count as a high end label anymore, right?)

Anyway.  How do you know when you're being opinionated VS a complete pain in the ass?  And on the flip side, how do you know when you're being sweet and amenable VS a doormat?  I'm here to help you (and myself) figure that out with a top ten list:

10.  Do you pout a lot?  Like when something doesn't go your way or your significant other screws something up, do you continuously say things under your breath, complain, stomp your feet, groan, etc etc.  If the answer is yes, then you are being too...high maintenance.  This is the kind of behavior I'm definitely guilty of.  For me, this usually happens in food-related instances.  Like the time the H-bomb got me a Subway sandwich with no mustard or mayo or any condiments on it on a long road trip.  Or the time we walked to our fave sushi restaurant only to discover it was closed and had dinner at the shitty paella place next door instead.  (my sister calls it Hangry-- hungry + angry.  Genius)

9.  Have you recently gained ten pounds, because you're always deferring to your male significant other who has a much higher metabolism than you?  Were you once a vegetarian that now seems to be eating steak and burgers and hot dogs every weekend?  If the answer is yes, then you're being  a total pushover slut.  If you want to cook salmon for dinner, then for the love of God, put your foot down and say you need to stick to lean proteins from now on.

8.  Do you refuse to go see movies that measure less than 70% on the rotten tomato meter, even if your significant other really wants to see that particular film and he doesn't believe in reading film reviews and he still claims Lady in the Water was a good movie?  Don't change a thing.  You're not being high maintenance.  You simply value your time which makes you completely reasonable.   Movies like that are meant to be seen alone on Netflix streaming when you're away for the weekend and he has the TV to himself.

7.  Do you have carpal tunnel from repeatedly doing one or more of the following things: hand jobs, foot massages, back rubs, ball scratching, back scratching, neck massaging?  When you have an itch on your back you can't scratch, do you use one of those long plastic fork thingies, because you don't want to bother your sig other with it?  Are you constipated from all that anal sex you've been having-- the kind where you close your eyes and go to your happy place?  When you tell your friends that you do any of these things for your sig other just to be nice, do they look at you like you're an alien?  If the answer to any of these questions is yes, I have bad news for you.  You're not  cool and low are spineless and have a slave owner for a boyfriend.

6.  Do you have the gift of going with the flow?  Like, if you came home from work and your sig other invited a bunch of his buddies over without giving you a heads up, are you totally fine with it?  If that hotel room your sig other booked kind of sucks, can you make the best of it?   If, let's just hypothetically say you went camping together and he forgot the tent poles-- could you deal with it?  If the answer to any of the above is a resounding YES, then congrats!  You're the stuff that awesome girlfriends are made of!

5.  Do you expect to be driven everywhere?  Do you expect all your meals to be paid for?  Every door to be opened for you?  Every Christmas/birthday/Thanksgiving gift to be a designer handbag?   Do you also NOT have a job?  Bitch, please.  You are HIGH maintenance.  (Wait, what?  People don't normally buy each other Thanksgiving gifts?  Then, how do they give thanks?)

4.  You're having a fight with your significant other over something you did that he's mad about.  And like, it's a legit thing for him to be pissed off about.  It's one of those extremely rare occasions where he's actually right.  BUT, as the fight heats up, he says something mean.  Mean enough where it makes you cry.  Then like, as you're crying, you maybe start crying even harder-- to the point where now he has to console you and apologize to you.  Does this scenario sound familiar?  Okay, first of all-- you're a mad genius.  Second of all, you're definitely high maintenance.  (PS I have totally sub-consciously used the crying defense in arguments.)

3. Has it been awhile since you and your significant other attended any sort of social gathering that was thrown solely by your friends or your family members?   Have you been dating for a few months and you're besties with his entire social circle, but he still hasn't committed some of your friends' names to memory?  Do you not pressure him to attend said social gatherings, because he's busy and you don't want him to feel put out?  If you answered yes to any of the above, then either your friends are huge assholes who you never want to hang out with or you are a clingy doormat.  Actually, either way you're a clingy doormat-- cause what kind of person would stay friends with a bunch of assholes? 

2. Are you and your significant other currently not engaged, because he's saving up to buy you the exact kind of diamond ring you long ago picked out for yourself and pinned a thousand times on your pinterest board "put a ring on it."  Let me break it down for you.  You are SO high maintenance that when you do get married, your significant other is going to cheat on you with the girl in #7.

1. Are you actively worried about the fact that you're high maintenance-- so worried that you're writing an entire blog post about it?  Hey girl, listen up.  You get about a thousand points for working on yourself.  There ain't no shame in your game.  You're like the perfect combination of high and low maintenance.  You're medium maintenance. 

OMG.  Medium maintenance.  That's genius. Now, let's use the comments section to discuss all the ways men can be high maintenance too.  Who wants to go first? Comment below!


  1. I looooove this post so much Saaara! And "medium maintenance" definitely needs to becomes a real thing. It's something I've struggled with a lot and I really hate being considered "high maintenance" because I have a brazilian blow dry and hair extensions. I mean hello, those things actually save me time in the getting ready process. And PS you (the guy) pretty much gets to do what you want in a relationship with me. Within reason. By that I mean there isn't any whiny or clingy behavior.

    Anyway, the problem with women being low maintenance is when you give the guy an inch, they take a mile, so you have to sometimes lay down the law in the take-no-shit, assertive manner that is considered "high maintenance."

    As with everything in life it's all about a balance aka medium. Seriously one of my favorite posts in a long time. xx

    1. Yay, thanks! Medium maintenance for life!

  2. I need a daily consult on how to bite my tongue and not get fired, reassurance that last year can be washed from my memory with seltzer water and a snow cone, and a pony... and help studying for the GRE.