Tuesday, August 13, 2013

the real housewives & the BLOW OFF

You guys all know by now that my biggest vice is reality TV and now that the Bachelorette is over, I need to turn my obsession to another show.  Which is why I'm so excited that we've now reached the reunion portion of the Real Housewives of Orange County.  When it comes to the Real Housewives franchise, I mainly follow Beverly Hills and New York City and recently got back into The OC, because I needed a fix.  If you too are a fan of any of these shows, I think we can all agree the best part is the reunion specials.

It's like The View on crack-cocaine.  The reunions are usually so chalk full of conflict and so cray-cray that Bravo needs to do them in three parts.  Amazing.  Basically Andy Cohen (AKA Bravo Andy) gets all the housewives together to rehash all of the drama from the last season.  Let's all take a moment to acknowledge how awesome this is and how a tiny part of me would like to do this with my friends in my normal day to day life. Seriously: what if I invited all my best friends (attire: brightly colored cocktail dress) to some tacky hotel lobby to argue with each other while a cute gay guy asked us tough questions about our friendship?  And then after six hours of making each other cry, we'd raise our glass in a champs toast.  Yes, please!

So, in case you have no idea what I'm talking about, here's what you can usually expect from a reunion:

There's a shitload of arguing over what so and so wrote in their Bravo TV blog.  Seriously.  Half of what these ladies argues about is NOT what happened on the show but what they all wrote in their blogs after the fact.  (Last night, it was that Heather wrote mean stuff about Lydia after she made a sarcastic remark about the women being classy after grinding some male strippers in Mexico.)  I would like to let the record show that I haven't talked shit about any of my good friends on this blog.  Only ex-boyfriends. And that bitch who always gave me back-handed compliments (you know who you are and you know what you did.)

They LOVE to rehash stuff from like ten years ago.  This is like if my bestie and I got into a tear-filled shouting match about how I wasn't nice to her boyfriend ten years ago.   (Last night, it was about whether or not Gretchen cheated on her much older terminally ill fiance.  And how Vicki shared some email from Lauri's husband's ex mother-in-law seven years ago.)

Someone always comes prepared with a file of print outs-- be it emails or phone records or photographs of Gretchen allegedly kissing a guy while being engaged to the rich sick guy.  Photos which for some reason we never got to see.  This is actually really hot.  I would like my girlfriends to know that I am going to start printing out all their emails so I can flash them in their face one day and be like "I have the email right here!  You said you were coming to book club and then you didn't show up!  YOU'RE A LIAR!!!!"

Peeps outside of the group are usually brought on to discuss shit that went down with them on the show.  This usually takes place in part three of the reunion special.  This season, we got a sneak peek of Vicki's daughter Brianna confronting Vicki's on again/off again sketch master boyfriend, Brooks.  Done and done!  There are so many dudes who've dated my friends that I would love to rip to shreds on national television.  They would have to bleep half of what I said out, but still.

Finally, there's a lot of "why is it okay for you to tell the world that I have mouth herpes, but it's not okay when I do it?"  The hypocrisy with these ladies runs deeper than a closeted evangelist who says gay people are going to hell, but then gets a BJ by a dude in a public bathroom. 

The worst part about all of this is that as a viewer of the show, you get really emotionally invested in all of the falling outs.  You pick sides.  You hate when the person you're rooting for doesn't make good points in their argument.  And most importantly, you always decide which housewife looks the least offensive (I'm going to go with Heather, though I would have liked her to tone down the eye shadow.) 

I cannot wait for part two and part three.  New drinking game: let's all take a long gulp from our champs whenever Vicki goes into the screechy yell. 


  1. Of course I agree with everything in this post...especially the part about wishing you could have these reunion type formats in real life. There are a few specific people in my life, former friends, acquaintances that I run into when I'm at certain parties, etc. that I WISH I could do this with. I want to show texts and tell them exactly what I think of them.

    The biggest one that comes to mind is this woman that I used to be friendly with and am not anymore and I ran into her at a restaurant and I was polite and said hello and she totally snubbed me. By the way nothing "happened" between us. No one slept with the other's boyfriend or maligned them or accused the other of having a threesome a la Vicki/Lauri.

    When I got home I texted her that I couldn't believe how rude she was when I went out of my way to be polite and I couldn't let it go. And her reply was "I was just vibing off you." Did I mention she's 40?

    I had recounted to our mutual friend that witnessed the incident that if I had a five year old child that behaved that way I'd be embarrassed and appalled and he/she would immediately be punished.

    Shortly after this incident the woman became pregnant (on purpose) and just had the baby. There are many other delusions that she has that I wish I could rattle off while Andy Cohen moderates but those texts and the incident is the main one and since it happened I said I wish I had a Housewives reunion to really give her a piece of my mind, since it seems like you can really say whatever the fuck you want there.

    Saaara, think we can reach out to Andy Cohen and hire him for a private reunion?

  2. um, it sounds like that chick deserves an entire blow off post devoted to her. So rude. I hate to say it, but sometimes i feel like that kind of stuff is unique to people who live in LA.