Tuesday, August 27, 2013

the VMAs and the motherf&*%ing BLOW OFF

I apologize for not writing this post the day after the VMAs aired on Sunday night so it could be all the more timely, but it took me a full twenty-four hours to fully absorb the shit-show that I subjected myself too.  Plus, I wanted you all to read Carolyn's post which completely nails the fact that break-ups are just like the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan.


I know I'm going to sound like an old, grumpy, thirty-two-year-old, but I long for the glory days of the Video Music Awards.  The days where there were performances like this:


And even like this:

Remember those days? When the show actually had some production value and skilled cameramen? When the performances were so good that there was no time to cutaway to lingering reaction shots? When there was drama and theatrics and creativity involved in some of the performances? When MTV could actually afford the rent at Radio City Music Hall? 

I miss those days. So much.

I'll give Lady Gaga a little credit.  She tried.  She's more of a performance artist than anything else, but with a bigger stage and larger scope and higher production value, she could have been less forgettable (yes, it was a good performance, but not the kind we'll recall in ten years).  Justin Timberlake was great, but the *NSYNC portion of his set was too short after all that build-up and the the lighting + the way they were shot, made it look like he was performing with *NSYNC holograms (omg, maybe he was?!)

And then there was Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke.  Ugh.  This performance was disturbing on so many levels. 

Level #1 they actually thought they were being awesome.

Level #2 Miley Cyrus is 20, but looks 12 and Robin Thicke is allegedly 36, but looks 45 and they thought it would be a good idea to make it look like they were boning on stage.

Level #3 Every time Miley Cyrus sticks her tongue out, I think she's been possessed by the devil and that someone needs to get the pope to perform an exorcism on her ASAP.

Level #4 We Can't Stop is still a fluffy pop song.  It's no less fluffy than Party in the USA (after all, both songs are about partying).  Don't get me wrong, it's catchy as all hell, but I really feel like there's an expectation on Miley Cyrus's part that we need to take her more seriously as an "artist" (I mean, she's constantly talking about how she's been too busy working on her music and being in the studio to plan her wedding to Liam Hemsworth.) But she might as well have been singing Stars are Blind by Paris Hilton.

Level #5 Robin Thicke has a gut and sweats too much.

Level #6 Miley Cyrus's mother cheering loudly at the end.

Level #7 That uncomfortable feeling you get when you are forced (and by forced I mean you have a strange addiction to award shows and can't turn away) to witness someone trying way too hard.  Go be sexy Miley, go be provocative, but see Madonna's Vogue performance and try to understand the concept of subtly.  Then go see Britney's performance above and learn how to dance your ass off.  It takes more than twerking.

But what was just as upsetting as all of the above is I have no fucking idea who Austin Malone, the Weeknd, twenty one pilots, and Iggy Azalea are.  Am I super out of touch? 

You know it's a sad state of affairs when the best part of the entire show is when Taylor Swift gets caught saying "Shut the fuck up" when her ex Harry Styles was on stage.  

I guess this means it's time to start BLOWING off the VMAs.  They just aren't what they used to be and they never will be.  Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke officially put the last nail in the coffin. But I still love you MTV, because let's be real, Catfish is my jam.

1 comment:

  1. Was that Madonna one really 1990?! Doesn't feel that long ago! And remember when Brit could dance?! That choreography was amazing...