Tuesday, September 24, 2013

how fast is too fast to move on?

DISCLAIMER:  this post starts with celebrity gossip, but I promise it's actually about a universal dating issue.

In case you haven't been following the saga of Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth as closely as I have, I'll give you a brief summary: Last week, they confirmed they broke off their engagement.  The following day there were already pictures on the internet of Liam making out with Mexican pop-star/actress Eiza Gonzales in a parking garage.  Over the weekend, Miley cried on stage while performing the song Wrecking Ball. Hmmm. I'm going to go out on a limb and say there's no amount of twerking in the world that can ease the pain of your fiance moving on to someone else that quickly.  I'm sure Miley and Liam called it quits awhile before their reps confirmed it.  But still. 

Break-ups are painful, but what makes them even more excruciating is when your ex finds love immediately after the relationship ends.  And in the era of Facebook, you no longer have to be famous to see pictures of them and their new girlfriend all over the internet.  It sucks, especially when you'd like to think your ex is spending his time drinking a lot of whiskey and listening to a lot of Leonard Cohen just to get over you.  The wound is still fresh and now you have a whole new set of questions to ask yourself about the relationship: did he dump me for her?  Did he ever love me if he was able to move on with someone else that fast?  Is she reaping the benefits of all the work I did to turn him into a real man?  Have I been replaced?

I've never been one to move on quickly from a relationship.  I needed time to mourn.  Time to lay in bed and feel sorry for myself.  Time to wrap my mind around someone else seeing me naked.  Time to not hate everything with a penis.  Granted, if right after a break-up, Ryan Gosling had shown up on my front door and asked me to go steady, I'd probably say yes-- but there were no amazing, too good to pass up, kind of guys that came out of the woodwork.  And I'm actually grateful for that.  My dry spells, whether they were self-imposed or not, gave me perspective on myself and on the kind of guy that was worth holding out for.

And here's the thing about people that move on quickly.  Very rarely is it because they find people that are too good to pass up.  In most cases, they're too weak to go through the motions of a break-up.  As long as they have someone new in their life, then they don't have to deal with the pain of missing you. In Liam's case, I'm sure he was told it would help career-wise if he distanced himself from Cyrus immediately.  But all that shit they didn't give themselves time to work through after the break up-- well, it doesn't go away.  It's bound to rear it's ugly head.  By the time it infiltrates and screws up their new relationship and they finally have to do the work to deal with TWO break-ups...you've moved on.  For reals.  And if you haven't, well that's okay too.  Just put Spotify on a private session so no one knows you've been listening to Wrecking Ball by Miley on repeat.
I know I'm a hypocrite for posting this video after my diatribe about Miley's VMA performance.  But #1 I think this has more artistic merit to it #2 I'm really hoping it brings Doc Martens back in style #3 Did I just use the words "artistic merit" in association with Miley Cyrus?  Ugh.  She got to me, you guys!!


  1. "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else." Words to live by.

    It was a good idea for me to be seeing someone else during my separation. Though it was maybe a bad idea for her.

  2. Also, another fun piece to this puzzle is your single girlfriends are so happy you are in the single boat with them that they remind you to "take time for yourself, don't be that girl that jumps into another relationship, you need to learn to be alone and like yourself"....while your friends with S.O.s are all "any dates lately? Talking to anyone? what about ____, he's single!"
    They are both valid points!! ugh.

    1. That is so true-- I've been in a situation where I've had my single friends encourage me to break up with someone while my friends in a relationship encouraged me to make things work.