Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Poetry & the BLOW OFF: Diamonds & Hearts

look closely: notice the silhouette in the baseball heart?
A couple weeks ago, one of our loyal readers let me know that the Bachelorette (Desiree Hartsock) and her new fiance Chris Siegfried were releasing a book of their poetry together. It's actually an e-book only available on Kindle and iPads and it's probably the most ridiculous thing you will have read in your entire life. It makes Jewel's poetry book (A Night Without Armor which I bought when it came out in high school) seem like it should have been awarded a Pulitzer.  The book is called Diamonds & Hearts and it's being sold as a "poetic memoir."

Basically, it's a compilation of Chris's poems from the time he played baseball (get it: diamonds?) and from the time he was a contestant on The Bachelorette. Jezebel does a hilarious analysis of some of the poems that you can read here.

I won't go into analyzing the poems, but I do have some thoughts I need to get out about this book.  For starters-- these two did not waste any freaking time trying to capitalize on their "romance."  Here we thought all this time that Des was settling, because she was afraid to be alone, but I wonder after a careful cost-analysis did she realize that Bachelorette careers fair better when you pick a mate and pretend to be in love with him for awhile.  She contributes several of her own poems to this book, so I'm guessing she gets a piece of the pie.  That's assuming that there are people dumb enough to spend the full $7.95 to purchase this shit.  Guys, your money is way more well spent purchasing Sammi's book So Many Frogs...Not Enough Prozac for a mere $2.99.

The next thing we need to discuss is how SHITTY the poems are.  Don't get me wrong, I knew they were shitty when Chris was reading them on the show, but usually ABC was playing some booming orchestral violin track to distract me from just how laughably bad they were.  I didn't get to see all those exclamation marks after every sentence!  I didn't realize there were lines like:
We’re dancing, we’re talking,
I’m thinking about us,
The possibility of you and I no longer an imagination for me.
But kissing you and holding you and sharing my life with you… A must!

WHAT?   The good news is that one of the poems that Des contributes to the book are equally as bad, if not worse than Chris's own poems.  Maybe these two are perfect for each other.  I still hope that no one buys their stupid e-book and that they break up soon.  Either way, this makes it official: if a guy writes you a poem, it's the death knell of your relationship.  I mean, shit.  At least learn to sing and play the guitar while you recite that shit so we can tell all our friends you wrote a song about us.  Even if the lyrics go something like this:

Smile by Chris Siegfried (AKA rebound peen)
You Smile,
I look,
You notice,
It’s great!

I smile,
You look,
Connection,
We’ve made!

I know it is real,
Connection I feel,
Comes only but once in a while!

For you with me,
Is all I can see,
Please smile at me for a while!

(I mean, Brooks would never try to pull that shit.) 

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