Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Real Life Rom-Com Part 3: All Is Lost

I'm not going to say that I predicted this.  I just know how a story is structured.  But it happened.  I've reached the "all is lost" moment in my romantic comedy that has now turned into Insidious Part 3.  A very brief recap for those of you who haven't read my past two posts on the subject (click here and here to catch up):

Guy and girl who were friends start talking and becoming more. It's long distance and they finally see each other and things go even better than expected.  Girl is clearly giddy with the possibilities and excited to see where things go.  That pretty much brings you up to speed without boring you to death.

Cut to a few weeks ago.  Guy was going to be in New York on business and asked Girl to join him for a romantic weekend visit.  I mean, who wouldn't say yes to that?  As soon as plans are finalized, Guy has to cancel because his brother had a baby and would have to be going to see his family that weekend.  That's understandable.  I knew he had a niece on the way and you can't exactly plan when you're going to have a baby.  So while I was disappointed I wasn't discouraged.  Guy also profusely apologized and told Girl he'd make it up to her and had a contingency plan, which is always a good thing.  When a guy cancels but doesn't try to re-schedule that's when the red flag should go up.  But he did so I was content.

Later on that day we were texting and I told him he could come to LA to make it up to me.  This is where the red flag appears.  He told me that LA is difficult for him because of a previous relationship and the memories associated with it and that it's hard to be with someone else there in a romantic capacity.

So this kinda did it for me.  First of all, WAY too early to be bringing up exes.  We haven't even slept together!  Second of all, are you fucking kidding me?  I wanted to tell him that in any given week I'm surrounded by 2-5 ex-boyfriends and lovers and not only do I have to see them, I see them interacting and discussing their experiences with me and the real cherry on top is watching them bring other girls home.  But you can't come to an entire city because you have one ex-girlfriend here?

I tried to end things.  I basically said that if you can't be in the same city with me because she's here we shouldn't continue to try to make plans to hang out. I told him it wasn't just a hook up for me so this isn't a road we should continue to go down.  I gave the out.  Could have ended things there and ended them nicely.  But he kept telling me he was over her, but he just couldn't be here right now.  So I thought, okay, maybe because of my situation I'm desensitized to how traumatizing it can be having to re-live past relationships.  I really cared about him so I gave him another shot.  We gave each other some space for a few days and then he reached out to me again, this time asking to join him in Chicago where some of our other friends would be that weekend.

I'll spare you the details but the offer was less than ideal so I said I didn't think I could.  Then I thought about it and basically said YOLO.  So TWO days later I said I'd try to make it, to which he responded that he had started to connect with someone else and if it continued down that path and if he was the only reason I was going, I probably shouldn't.  But he knows we'll always be friends because we can be so honest with each other.

I had no idea how to respond.  I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself.  I wanted to remind him that he was the one that invited me.  I was also supposed to be in NYC with him at this very moment if he hadn't had to go see family, so what the fuck would he have done then?  TWO days?  You couldn't be getting serious with someone in two days.  So how long has this been going on while we've been talking?  I wanted to tell him that friendship doesn't mean doing whatever the fuck you want as long as you're honest about it.  He also left things open ended a little bit and I wanted to tell him that I wasn't an option.

The only thing I wrote was "ok, thanks."  He wasn't worth my anger or my energy.  So here I am.  The all is lost moment.  And I'm okay.  I'm almost too okay.  I'm not going to lie and say I didn't make out with and cuddle with someone else the next night, but I haven't had any sort of emotional breakdown, haven't been confined to my bed, or started binge eating or played Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill on a loop. 

All of that being said, I'm glad that I tried.  I'm actually thinking of this as a victory.  Putting myself out there and being vulnerable and open with my feelings is really hard for me.  But I did it and even though it didn't work out I'm still breathing.  I know that I can do it and I overcame that hurdle.  Most of all, I'll never wonder what would've happened if I'd put it out there.  Now I know exactly what I would be getting.  Thanks, but no thanks.  Return to sender.

You never know what will happen in the future but for now and the foreseeable future I'm so beyond done.  As Carrie Bradshaw once said, "We're so over, we need a new word for over."  At least until the finale.



  1. Thank you for sharing your real life rom-com with the rest of us. I'm bummed out this didn't have a better ending, what are the chances he ends up surprising you in LA as the big grand gesture in act three? No though, I think you're right that you're better off and definitely don't be friends with this dude. Speaking of SATC-- remember when Big tells Carrie not to go to Paris just for him and she's like "why else would I go to Paris, fucker?" That's what his whole "don't come to chicago just for me" text totally reminded me of!

  2. I feel like I really want to start watching SATC again from the beginning as an adult. I think it will mean so much more and really recognize how brilliant it was. I was entertained when I watched it in H.S. & college but now that I've actually experienced some of the same things I want to re-watch.

  3. Me too! The last three years of the show I was out of school and living in New York and it was the best thing ever to watch. The weird thing now is tuning in to episodes where Carrie is the same as me.

  4. A couple things...
    1. I was talking to a guy a few years ago and WE were supposed to meet up for a romantic weekend in Chicago and he cancelled on me just a few days before saying he had JUST gotten serious with someone and didn't feel it would be right. At lease he sent me a check to reimburse me for the ticket. (And I was able to get a refund and use the credit for another flight! #winning) But, seriously. So weird. Chicago has bad juju.
    2. I used to be weird about sharing "Ex" info too soon also. But as I have gotten older, I think it's okay. It tells you so much about someone and is a sign of closeness or comfortablity (is that a word?). I don't think there should be hard and fast rules about only sharing after you've slept together or only on the 3rd date. But I DO agree with you that it's totally weird that he wouldn't visit LA because of one ex-gf - and isn't that information you would rather have sooner than later? However, it appears it was just a BS excuse because he was seeing someone.

    1. I totally agree. I'm honestly so over it but the one thing that I do think about is if he was seeing someone why did he bother to reach out to invite me to Chicago a few days after NYC was canceled. If you're seeing that person already did two days really make that difference? Wouldn't you either not extend the invite or wait to see if you became exclusive. Yes, he's a guy and I know they don't think like that but that's the part that doesn't add up slash is so bizarre. But what happened happened and that's what I'm going off. Not someone or a situation I want to be involved with any further.

  5. I think you hit the nail on the head and answered your own question - guys don't think like that. Why would he WAIT to see if he was going to be exclusive with this girl? Immature/indecisive guys only become exclusive with someone when they absolutely have to, right? So - he was going to see you in Chicago because he likes you and he could...and then this girl he was seeing obviously put the smack down. He probably knew he only had a finite amount of time and was just trying to put it off until after the Chicago trip, but she she wasn't having it - clearly a good move on her part. He sounds like a jerk (or still really immature) and it's unlikely it will work out between them anyway - so you can feel good about the fact that you aren't the girl on the recieving end of his BS.