Thursday, September 5, 2013

Scarlett Johansson is engaged: an analysis.

Honestly, I don't know anything about Scarlett Johansson's new fiancé, but you guys know how I love to psychoanalyze celebrity relationships as though these people are my nearest and dearest friends.  So, here are the facts.  And by facts, I mean things I've made up in my head. 

In 2008, Scarlett married Ryan Reynolds.  In 2010, they announced they were separating and in December of 2011 their divorce was finalized.

It was pretty much implied in the press and by Ryan Reynolds that the divorce was her choice, not his.  I mean, this was the girl that famously said: "I can get flack for saying this, but I do believe that human beings aren't instinctively monogamous.  But as much as I believe that, I work really hard when I'm in a relationship to make it work in a monogamous way."  Hmmm....working really hard at being monogamous doesn't exactly count as actually being monogamous right?  I mean, I work really hard at eating healthy, but I also eat tacos all the time.

ScarJo went through one of those strange divorces where she was the one that decided to end things and then she totally lost the break-up.  She jumped into a relationship with Sean Penn and he pretty much shat all over her heart and she was deemed the clingy-weird girl.  And then, if that wasn't bad enough, less than a year after their divorce was final-- Ryan Reynolds MARRIED Blake Lively.  What the who?

So, here's what we can discern from her engagement to Romain Dauriac:

#1 French guys are hot.  Cause they have accents and they speak French.  Which automatically means they always have wine, cheese, and fresh baguettes on hand.  I know, I know-- I'm totally stereotyping, but seriously-- those are like the coolest nicest stereotypes ever.

#2 Being married to a HOT GUY is bad news.  That's to say that if you look at pictures of Romain Dauriac, he kind of looks like he could be ScarJo's gay best friend.  That's also probably because he's French-- and I know some of you love to claim that you "don't get it" when it comes to Ryan Reynolds (are you bitches blind?!)  BUT maybe just maybe, Scarlett didn't want to end up with another guy that could turn around and marry the hottest girl in the galaxy after their divorce.  (Just kidding, I'm sure there exquisite alien life forms more perfect than Blake Lively.  And I bet they also know how to crack an egg with one hand. )

#3 Sometimes you end up marrying your rebound: Not Sean Penn in this case, who I could give you a million reasons for why he's the worst rebound ever.  BUT Reynolds and Lively got married in September 2012 and Scarlett and Romain took their relationship public just two months later.  Coincidence?  Oh hell no!

#4 Pretty people are boring unless they are into politics.  I'm in the camp that hearts Ryan Reynolds.  I think he's cute and funny (See Just Friends) BUT he might also be a tiny bit dumb and boring.  I mean, have you seen those abs?  There's a very good chance that all he does is drink protein shakes while doing Sumo dead lifts.  Romain is a journalist and I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a six pack, which is safe to say their wine and cheese and baguette conversations are a whole lot more interesting than dinner at the Reynolds/Lively home.  I suspect Scarlett and her new man discuss things like Syria and the keystone pipeline whereas Blake and Ryan spend all night taking naked seflies and texting them to each other, even though they are in the same room. 

#5 Dear Famous people, marry someone less famous than you.  Chances are if Scarlett and Romain call it quits, she won't have to read all about the details of his next wedding in Martha Stewart magazine. 

In conclusion, do you guys think Ryan Reynolds still had a little belly flip when he heard his ex-wife got engaged or is he like, totally over it?  Comment below and then immediately take a shower and read everything you need to read on Syria.  

7 comments:

  1. but seriously - did you SEE that ring?

    and when this new dude puts on his sunglasses he looks like ryan reynolds in the right light... just saying

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  2. I just don't know if any ring can rival that of Blake Lively's. It's my favorite celebrity engagement ring.

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  3. I can't believe you implied that tacos aren't healthy. And I think the fact that Ryan Reynolds couldn't make it work with one blonde 25 year old actress and quickly married another is pretty much solid evidence he's not the smartest dude in the world.

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  4. Sara, do you have a girl crush on Blake Lively? I'm fully okay with admitting that I have a huge one on her. I'd like to think that ScarJo IS her character in Don Jon...gross. Ryan Reynolds totally got lucky getting away from her.

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  5. I have a total girl crush on Blake Lively, it's true. I don't know that we would be friends, but I think she has amazing style, I'm jealous that she can crack an egg with one hand and doesn't follow recipes, and I would like to trade legs with her for just one day.

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  6. have you read all of the blind items about Ryan Reynolds being incredibly controlling and how Blake is basically having to give up her career because he wants to be the famous one and wants her at his beck and call? i mean not that she's Meryl Streep but she could definitely be working instead of playing housewife in Bedford, NY. Apparently that contributed a lot to his divorce w/ ScarJo.

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  7. omg, i haven't read any of those, but i totally believe it. I think that's why he married her so quickly too. He wanted to stake his claim fast. I'm guessing she'll be pregnant soon. Free Blake!

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