Monday, September 2, 2013

Top Ten Reasons I'm scared to have a BABY.

In honor of labor day, let's talk about babies coming out of vaginas and how scary that is.  I mean, it's beautiful and everything, and lately I feel like everyone is doing it, but I'm still as freaked out about it as I was freshman year in high school when we had to watch the Miracle of Life movie.  The H-bomb and I want kids but we've kind of been blowing the whole thing off for now.   Even though almost every couple that got married the same year as us (including Will & Kate) already had a baby or already has one on the way.  And even though I'll be thirty-three this year and he'll be forty (in four years), we're still not quite ready.  So with that, here are the top ten reasons I'm scared shitless to have a baby:

10.  There is a possibility that you will accidentally poop while being in labor.  There's an even larger possibility that you will fart up a storm.  I mean, I fart when I cough-- I think the chances are pretty good that when I'm trying to push a newborn out of my dainty little vagina that I might pass some gas.  And is my baby going to be completely traumatized if that's one of the first thing it smells?  Can babies even smell?

9.  The H-bomb is really tall.  He's 6'2" and I'm 5 feet.  What if we make a giant baby and my body can't handle it and it's all kind of like that terrible scene in Prometheus and they have to put me in some machine and cut me in half just to get the abnormally large man-child out of me?

8.  Will my dog feel totally left out if there's some cute little baby hanging out with us all the time?  Mabel the pug gets a lot of attention and I'm worried that once she has to share us with a child she will go into a deep doggy depression, then start dating a pitbull from the wrong side of the tracks, and together they will plot our murder.  Plus, I do not have enough hand-eye coordination to walk a dog and push a stroller at the same time.  And Mabel thinks anything with wheels is out to get her so she's not gonna be cool with that stroller thingy at all.  
7.  I kill plants.  Above is a picture of a formerly beautiful orchid plant my friends gave us as a housewarming gift.  It's just like that line from Reality Bites-- I can't even take care of a chia pet.  How can I be expected to care for another human life? 

6.  It's kind of a cop out to have a break-up blog when you're married, but how much worse is it going to be when I'm a freaking mom.  Are any of you guys going to want relationship and dating advice from a mother?  Am I automatically going to become totally uncool?  Will I lose all of my street cred?  The only solution is to have a baby and never, ever, tell any of you about it.

5.  I love my unborn gay son.  That's to say that if I have a son, I'd be really disappointed if he turned out to be straight.  Think about it.  Pretty much all of the gay men I know are super tight with their moms.  It would be like having a GBF for life.  Plus, I'll never be left in the dust for some uppity daughter-in-law.  Gay son-in-law = awesomeness.

4.  You can kiss all your free time good bye.  I really like my alone time.  I enjoy going to the gym or seeing a movie alone or knitting or sleeping or getting a mani/pedi whenever I damn well please.  Also, I've never been to Paris.  Or Tokyo.  Or Bali.  Or Antartica.  How am I supposed to go to all those places and properly enjoy them with a child?

3.  Kids are pricey.  I get all kinds of bummed out when I end up having an expenditure I wasn't anticipating-- like a large doctor bill or dues to the Writer's guild.  With a child, you're spending that kind of money left and right and it's not even on stuff for yourself.  I don't know if I'm a selfless enough person to sacrifice a tropical vacation just so my kid can get braces.  I'm getting post-partum depression just thinking about it.

2.  What about my career?  I know Sheryl Sandberg says to lean in and I'm down with that, but if I (hopefully) do get hired again to write for a TV show, those jobs require really long hours.  How the hell am I going to work 14 hour days if I'm breast-feeding?  I am not Shonda Rhimes.  I can't exactly ask them to build a nursery in my office and have some nanny trailing me all day with the baby.  In a strange way, being a working writer + mom is easier to do when you're at the top of your profession but not when you're still trying to get established.  Basically, what I'm saying is-- someone buy all my feature scripts so I can have a baby and chill at home and watch OWN twenty-four/seven.

1. All the anxiety.  Full disclosure: I definitely have some form of anxiety disorder.  I'm not on any meds, but on any given day, I can go into a mini-panic in my head about all the bad things that could happen to me or anyone I know and love.  When I ask parents how they don't live in a constant state of fear, they basically tell me that they do, but it's worth it.  I look back on my childhood and I have no idea how my parents ever let us out of the house.  Or allowed me to go to college or move to New York.  Flowers in the Attic is suddenly starting to make a lot more sense to me now (not the incest part, the locking your kids up part).

Anyway, thanks for letting me unload all my fears on you guys.  All you peeps out there that have children or have babies on the way-- I'm in awe of you.  Seriously.  And I love all your babies and kids.  I know when the day does come, I'm going to love my gay children more than anything in the world.  Until then, I'm going to start focusing on the positive-- like the fact that when I do get pregnant, my boobs will go up a cup size.