Thursday, October 10, 2013

BLOW OFF Variety Pack

There was a lot of interesting celebrity break-ups this week and we couldn't choose just one to write a post about, so it's time for another variety pack.

BLOW OFF #1
Yesterday, Kris and Bruce Jenner announced that they were separating.  Their official statement: We are much happier this way, but we will always have much love and respect for each other. Even though we are separated, we will always remain best friends and, as always, our family will remain our number one priority.

This one's not really a shocker.  The more Bruce starts to look like Michael Jackson and the more famous Kris Jenner gets, I'm not surprised they decided to split up.  But what can we learn about the end of their marriage?
First, too much plastic surgery is never a good thing.  Look how hot Bruce Jenner used to look!  If he'd only grown old a little more gracefully, I think Kris would still be into his shit.

Second, men don't like to be emasculated.  If you ever watched Keeping up with the Kardashians, Bruce didn't get much respect from his wife who clearly wore the pants in the family.  I'm all for powerful women and I hate that we have to worry about emasculatig our men and that there's no term for getting efeminated (I'll work on a definition for that soon)-- but when your hubby won the gold in the Olympics for the decathalon, he's not going to handle getting sidelined all the time for your career.

Third, fame is a dangerous drug.  For the bulk of Bruce and Kris's marriage, he was the famous one.  And now she's one of the most successful mom-agers and has her own talk show.  She simply didn't need him anymore.  If only these two had decided to call it quits earlier-- then Kris Jenner and Simon Cowell could have come the next power couple.  Ewww, don't picture that.

Honestly, the only Kardashian I care about these days is Rob.  I'm so worried about him.
BLOW OFF #2
Are you guys ready for this?  The Jonas Brothers have called off their tour, because of a deep rift in the band.  Say it isn't so!  I'm still waiting for the Disney Channel to do a remake of Legends of the Fall and cast all three Jonas bros (Joe would naturally play Brad Pitt, Kevin would play the part originated by Henry Thomas AKA the brothe that gets killed off, and Nick would be Aidan Quinn.  Demi Lovato could be Susannah, and Bill Nye the science guy could play the dad.)

Apparently, the rift is over the direction of their music.  Hmmm.  Is it possible they just couldn't sell enough tickets for their tour?  Are these guys still relevant?  Maybe Joe came out of the closet.  Someone get to the bottom of this!!!
BLOW OFF #3
You all know that I have a giant girl crush on Blake Lively and think she's one of the most beautiful people ever, BUT Esquire magazine chose Scarlett Johanssen as the Sexiest Woman Alive again.  I mean, I know Blake is perfect and all, but it can't be fun for your husband's ex-wife to be declared the sexiest woman alive.  Do you guys think they like talk about that?  Does Blake make him tell her she's the sexiest woman alive while they're doing it?  That would be awesome.  And when is Esquire going to start honoring the sexiest woman dead?  Comment below on who you think should win that honor.

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