Monday, October 7, 2013

Dating tips from my dog. For reals.

This week marks the two year anniversary of when the H-bomb and I became dog-owners.  I'm the first to admit that we are totally those people who treat our pug Mabel like she's our child.  It's hard not to-- she kind of looks like a baby with her big eyes and wrinkly forehead.  I've learned a lot since getting a dog, but I will spare the non-animal lovers all those boring loving maternal details.  Instead, here are a few dating tips I've picked up from her.

Yes, dating tips.  There are strangely some parallels to the way human beings interact on the dating front and how dogs interact with each other.  If Mabel was the female lead in a romantic comedy, she'd totally be the girl whose love life is a total mess because she just doesn't know how to act around potential dog interests.   Here are seven of her social screw ups that apply to humans and dating.

#1 Don't be a bitch.  Mabel is a total brat.  She likes to pretend she's all shy and sweet-- she'll get real still when a dog approaches or curl up in a ball and then once the dog comes over to say hello, she totally snaps and barks at it.  And then the owners drag their dogs away and tell me I need to train mine better (to be fair, she was attacked when she was a puppy and that's part of the reason she's kind of cray-cray with other canines.)  The point is, even if you've been burned by a lot of people in the past-- don't consistently play the "bitch card" with guys right off the bat.  Remember, there's a fine line between being sassy and being a bitch.  Try not to cross it.

#2 Don't come on too strong.  Sometimes Mabel is so eager to play with other dogs that she gets all up in their grill and scares them off.  It's like they can smell the desperation right off of her.  At the dog park, she's the one that does all the chasing and that's a total turn off for the alpha dogs.  Too much aggression is never a good thing.

#3 Don't eat poop.  Seriously.  It's really hard to get people to like you if you partake in eating poop every once in awhile.

#4 Don't play too hard to get.  Balance is the key to everything.  Most of the time when we take Mabel on a walk and we come across other dogs, she ignores them and goes straight for the owner.  And then the other dog is like, aiiight, I can take a hint.  You're not into me.  Even though she deep down really does want to play with them.  It's sort of like when you're at a party and the guy or girl you like is there, but you spend the WHOLE night talking to everyone but them, and then are surprised when they leave with someone else.

#5 Don't be a freaking stalker.  I usually take Mabel down to the silverlake reservoir on walks and after a friendly run-in with fellow dogs, we say our good-byes, and then she totally pulls on her leash as hard as she can to follow them.  They're usually like-- settle down, ladypug.  They can't get away from her fast enough. 

#6 Don't run around smelling people's assholes unless they're into that kind of thing. 

#7 Don't be bossy and controlling.  We take Mabel to doggy-daycare sometimes and they've told us that she likes to run around and supervise all the other dogs.  In other words, she barks and nags at them all day long.  They're not that into it.  She also likes to bark at dogs when they take her toys, fetch the ball before she does, or try to eat her treats.  I think if other dogs could talk they'd be all: You need to relax OR you're acting like the mayor of crazy town.  And then she would kill them, because you should never tell anything with a vagina that she needs to relax or that she's acting crazy.

Hope this helps any of you that are in the early stages of dating.  If you end up following these tips and getting married to your current significant other, then Mabel would like to officiate the ceremony.  Or lick all the wedding guests to death. 

6 comments:

  1. You forgot to add that eating their underwear might be considered a bit weird, unless Mabel isn't into that.

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  2. I need Mabel to write my OK cupid profile.

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  3. LOVE this post - Friday has very similar dating issues!

    also, you may want to check out the street obedience classes at Blue Collar Working Dog (in Echo Park) - they helped Friday with a LOT of his anxieties about other dogs, etc

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    1. Good to know! I will look into that. I'm actually over by that place a lot for coffee and haircuts. Thanks Claire!

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