Wednesday, October 30, 2013

how would you respond if you received this text?

I'm posting this on behalf of our very own Sassypants, who wrote a brilliant post a couple weeks ago about getting blown off by a guy she was really into.  Click here to read the full story.  In a nutshell, Sassy and the boy had great chemistry all around, but she didn't want to rush into sleeping with him, because she'd done that in the past and was looking for something different.  When he asked by what I believe was their 4th date why she didn't want to go all the way (my words, not his), she decided to be honest with him, only to get a BLOW OFF text the next day.  He told her he recently got out of a serious relationship and wasn't looking for anything long term at the moment.

About a week later, he sent her that text to the left.  Apparently, I was the only person in her life that told her she should keep seeing the guy.  I don't know, she's young (24) and it's rare to meet someone you have amazing banter with and why not just have a good time?  I also thought his text was kind of hot and flattering (she thought it was a little degrading.  Have I become way too forgiving in my old age?)
We went over a few different options: 

 A. She takes him up on his offer and they pick up where they left off.
B.  She takes him up on his offer, but treats it strictly as a booty call-- no dates, no movies, no dinners out like before.
C.  She sticks to her guns, tells him no thank you, and says that if he's ready for something more in a few months, he give her a call.

I told her she should only go with option C if she's 100% prepared and okay with never hearing from him again, cause that could very well be the outcome.  She worried if she went with option A or B, there could be less of a chance that things could evolve.  What do you guys think?  Sassypants needs your help!  Comment below!

21 comments:

  1. I say if you want to, go for it. I didn't really see the text as degrading though. In fact, even though you two haven't been in agreement with what you want, it sounds like both of you have been really honest with to each other so far, which, to me, is a GREAT way to start things off.

    So yes, I say if you want to, give it another shot. Stay honest. Keep talking. Lay down the ground rules with what each of you are comfortable with. When it's not fun any more, stop. If it continues to be fun and evolve to a point where it elicits another conversation, talk.

    Good luck!

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  2. Hmm this is a toughie! I know how hard it is to find a connection with someone. BUT while his message is flattering, it's also a little who do you think you are and the whole "we live so close" could be taken as a matter of "this is easy and convenient." I personally would advice against option B, because it sounds like she already has emotions invested and wants to actually date this guy. If that is the case, it is hard to go back to just a booty call and it will be harder for him to see her as someone she could actually date in the future. I think if he wants to continue to see her, he should take her to dinners and out!! The only way he is ever going to want a relationship is if he starts feeling emotionally invested too. I think she should either tell him to take her to dinner or go with option C. He will prob respect her for it and maybe even want what he can't have. Or she will be available for someone who is open to a relationship since it sounds like that is what she wants.

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  3. I'm no relationship expert, but wasn't the original point of not sleeping with him that she was looking for something more? In which case, C, since that seems to be a deal breaker for this guy, and if a guy wants something more, I think they usually are willing to wait around a bit for the physical stuff. Unless of course she really and truly only wants the physical stuff, in which case B is okay - but it doesn't sound like that's the case, or she would have not minded sleeping with him straight away. But A - that way lies only heartache, quite frankly. So I vote C. But then I've never been very forgiving... in my youth or my old age.

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  4. Because she has feelings for him, I think she has to go with Option C. I've seen too many "friends with benefits" get really ugly because someone has feelings. I know that's cliche but I've seen it where one person going in as feelings and it's just... it's too much.

    I know she's young, but in this case, I think she should move on. There will be plenty more opportunities for "friends with benefits" and for guys that are willing to at least split the check and eat a nice meal with you before you sleep with them.

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  5. I say, go with C. He's testing her to see how much he can get away with. If she stays strong, he'll respect her more and if he's the right guy, he'll come back when he's ready. That's what happened to me and I'm now married to the man of my dreams. (If he's not the right guy, she's not bogged down by his mind games and free to find the right one.) As the French say, "Courage, ma fille!"

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  6. I say Option D. Marry me now and forget this loser who didn't know what he had when he had the chance.

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    Replies
    1. don't you pretty much have a girlfriend?

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  7. C. Absolutely C. What "married to the man of my dreams" said, above, a million percent. This text is a test of how far she'll go, no wordplay intended. And the line about her rocking his world makes it clear that she's on his mind, so it's very likely that she'll grow & take root there, if she sits this one out.

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  8. C. She had feelings for him that were more than A and B, and if she settles for either of those options she'll probably just end up hurt. She deserves the full package, only if he's ready to offer it, and if not, she's better than just the scraps.

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  9. I think it depends on where her head is at about him. If she is still interested in a commitment from him, then she has to go with C. With A or B she will end up wanting more than he is willing to give. He has told her that he's not interested in a commitment and this text message further solidifies his feelings about that. If she can keep her feelings in check and not get attached and want more, then have some fun and go with B. I personally am incapable of not getting attached and so my only option would be C, as much as I would like to be a B person :-)

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  10. C. She needs to stand her ground and not get even more emotionally invested in this douchebag who keeps testing how far she will go and playing with her emotions. It is very black and white with guys. Either he wants a relationship or he doesn't want a relationship (which he has already told her that he's not ready for one yet). Sassypants deserves a gem, not a booty call!

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  11. I concur with everyone above... C! Keep us posted! Wishing you all the very best...in which you so deserve.. a complete gem!

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  12. I want to say A, but having been there and done that, I think she has to go with C. I'm all for her trying B, but it seems just as risky as A in terms of potential heartbreak in her future.

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  13. If she was hurt by his initial rejection, she should choose C. You'd be lying to yourself to say you'd be OK with this mediocre offer. There will be more hurt feelings in the end... You have to listen to what people tell you. As soon as you start hanging out, enjoying his company and getting physically attached, you will start to tell yourself "maybe this is turning into something real" and then he'll pull out (so-to-speak) and you'll be hurt, and he'll say, "Listen, I told you I wasn't ready for anything serious and you said you were OK with that." And then you'll kick yourself for the whole debacle.

    The only way he'll respect you is if you stick to your guns.

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  14. You guys make a lot of good points. I think I'm leaning towards C now too. We'll have to make sure sassypants keeps us updated.

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  15. Isn't "after the 4th date" a little too early to be asking for a committment? I read some of the comments and it seems like you are expecting this guy to be her boyfriend or she should walk...
    I kind of interpreted the text as already a backpedal from his inital blowoff.
    The way I would respond would be kind of a combo of A & C in that I think it's a waste of good chemistry too - and she probably wants to keep making out etc. too, but only if he stays open to the idea that this could be going somewhere more. It seems like she should be able to say that too. "I'd be down to keep making out, etc. but only if you stay open to the idea that this could eventually move in a serious direction." ...or something like that. Then she's actually getting what she wants. If he's like "No, I meant what I said about wanting to be single" and completely shut off to the idea, then you walk away.

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  16. "we're attracted to each other and live so close" aka you're hot and convenient. C allllllll the way.
    Wondering....did it not work out with his other hook up and so now he is left with nada and trying to come back??? again, C.

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  17. Yeah, what Anon 10/31 11:19 says -- "live so close" is the tell. If this is a negotiation, he's just reiterating his initial offer. She shouldn't negotiate against herself.

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  18. He's honest. He's just looking to get his wick dipped. Hey it's all fun and games until the feelings kick in and then it because a veritable shit storm of resentment, yearning, anger, jealousy. What I cal a shithouse potpourri tornado. Been there, tried to be cool. Ended up HURT SUCKED.

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