Tuesday, October 15, 2013

the inconsistent, wishy-washy, hot & cold BLOW OFF

Editor's Note: We received this email from one of our loyal readers who was hoping for a little dating advice from all of us.  Read her story and post your advice in the comments section (and please be gentle.) 

Now, the advice you give me is probably everything I've been saying to myself but it somehow makes it easier if someone totally apart from the situation tells me the same thing.

I was out drinking one night and saw the cutest cute guy ever. So cute. And then a few weeks later, he was at a party I was at. We began talking and the next day he messaged me on Facebook saying 'I couldn't stop thinking about your cute as fuck accent last night' (some people for some mad reason think I have an accent). That was about a month and a half ago. And so the dance began!
We started hooking up, he was full of compliments for me, he texted me all the time. Then we were both at the same party, he kissed a girl on the cheek, barely spoke to me until I started talking to another guy, and then went out clubbing but wouldn't tell me where he was. We continued hooking up as normal (almost every second day) until one fateful Friday where he barely texted me. Then he said 'I have to bail on hooking up tonight.' My heart absolutely sunk. Later I found out he had to bail because he went to his hometown as his mum had a medical emergency.

While he was away I was bombarded with texts and phone calls from him and all seemed good. He was due back on Thursday, and we were gonna have dinner. When I asked him if we could eat at his place instead of mine he got REALLY angry and didn't speak to me for hours. Eventually he came over, we had sex. Then he went to his basketball game, came back to my place and we had sex twice more. In the morning he left and I barely heard from him all day. The next day I barely heard from him, but when a mutual friend of ours (a guy) came and visited me at work he got angry again. He talked about how he was so jealous because I keep seeing guys who want to fuck me, and how I don't even care about him, and how he hasn't hooked up with anyone cause of me and now he was gonna start doing it etc.

My whole night was ruined with my anxiousness and as soon as I woke up the next morning I drove to his place. He cuddled me, told me how he had feelings for me, how he didn't want a relationship so he wanted me out of his head, and how he liked me etc. I was generally pleased with how that went and we spoke a little bit that day. That night he went drinking again. The next day he texted me saying he wanted to talk, and my heart sunk yet again. He told me he had slept with another girl. I actually cried. He obviously felt really bad, but he didn't regret it and I think he's done it again since (this was only last weekend). Hooking up with random club girls is one thing, but I'm sick with worry that he's found a new cuddle buddy.

Yesterday, coincidentally the day I found your blog, we were texting and then he stopped out of no where. He gets annoyed when I don't text back so I said 'who's not texting now??!' and then he didn't reply. Then I asked if he was okay. He didn't reply. Then this morning I pranked him on a private number and he finally replied to my text. We're planning on hooking up tomorrow. Should I go? What should I do? Oh and he just got tagged in a picture on Facebook with the girl he kissed at the party. Fuck. Please tell me the honest brutal truth that I've been telling myself all along. I've read He's Just Not That Into You, but for some reason this kid is driving me mental.


  1. I've been there. And I let it go on for two years. I'm not sure your experience will be like mine, becuase I'm fairly certain this guy was a sociopath and he also kept telling me how we were getting married and all of that nonsense. BUT, I can tell you for those two years I never felt happy, I was always on edge about what he was doing and if he was with someone else, and his constant head games completely took over my life. Don't put yourself through that. I don't know you, but I do know you deserve better than a guy giving you the run around like that. My mom has always told me people never change. And of course, as annoying as it can be, moms are always right! If I were you, easier said than done, I'd get rid of him before you spend two years feeling bad about yourself and questioning/analyzing daily why he isn't texting you back. Totally not worth it. If you need some distractions get a free trial on Match.com or something, plenty of guys on there to tell you how pretty you are and hey, maybe you'd get to meet a nice guy out of it?

  2. Oh gosh, I feel for ya'. He reeled you in with his charm and good looks, losts of compliments, cuddle time, and conversation...what girl wouldn't want that? He may like you but he's not respecting you. A man should make you feel safe & secure rather than on edge and anxious all the time.

    You sould like a wonderful gal who has a big heart and a lot of love to give. I agree with Emily above, get thee on match.com or another site ASAP! It will serve as a distraction and also you will receive validation. You are beautiful and SO worth a good man. :)

  3. Men are simple creatures for the most part. You are worthy of a man who will cherish you and love you. Honestly deep down you know that no one is worth you chasing around and making yourself readily avaliable to if he is not willing to do the same for you. Dating is not easy but you sound like a great gal and I have no doubt you will find someone. Best of luck!

    Below are just some things to think about.

    "No man is worth your tears and the one who is, won't make you cry"

    If a guy likes you:
    1.He will call you. No, your phone isn’t broken. No, his text message/email didn’t get lost in cyberspace. He simply hasn’t tried to contact you. And if for some reason the cyber boogyman intercepted his message from hitting your inbox, he will eventually try to contact you a second time. Men who like you will initiate communication with you.

    2. He will try to see you. If a guy is into you, he will make the effort to see you again. It doesn’t matter how busy he is, if he feels that getting to know you is a priority, he will make time in his schedule to meet you.

    3. He will touch you. Observe his body language as it speaks volumes. When a guy is interested, he will make subtle body contact. For example, he may lightly touch your arm or gently place his hand behind your back or waist. High fives and elbow nudges don’t count.

    4. He will make future plans with you. When a man is interested in you, he will want to secure seeing you again and will likely do so before the first date is over. He will find a common interest and suggest “We should do that…” Even if he doesn’t solidify plans right then and there, he will allude to future plans with you in it.

    5. He will text you out of the blue. Perhaps he saw something that reminded him of you. Perhaps he’s trying to start a conversation. Regardless, random, spontaneous texts show that for whatever reason it may be, he is thinking of you.

    6. He will ask you out. No explanation required. Men who like you will ask you out. True, you may need to give him some indicators that you are not going to flat out reject him (because most men are secretly quite afraid of rejection from a woman). So throw a dog a bone, and sit back. If he’s into you, he’ll initiate making plans with you


  4. I agree with everyone above and have been through that myself. They pull you in with their compliments and charm. When its good, its soooo good....but when its bad, its horrible. This is what I call a toxic relationship. You are almost addicted to the good times...you get such a high off the way he makes you feel when its great that you almost accept the bad times until he gives you the good again. I let this go on for 3 years once until I basically snapped and he broke up with me. Then later on when it started again with someone else, it only took me 2 months to understand what I was getting into and I did the breaking up. It felt sooo good to end it on my terms and I have no resentment toward the guy because I didn't let it get far enough for him to really hurt me. A nice distraction didn't hurt either...I found someone better ;) Best of luck to you...if it was your sister or best friend, I think you know what you'd tell them to do.

  5. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but if a guy tells you he doesn't want a relationship you should take him at his word. Not only did he tell you he didn't want a relationship, but he proved it with his actions by sleeping with someone else immediately after. It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. It's OK for him to do whatever he wants, but if you do your think he gets jealous/mad. NOT OK! Casual hook ups can be fun as long as you are on the same page, but it sounds like you have feelings involved and it's no longer fun for you. In a good relationship, you should never feel anxious or unsure and you deserve someone who wants to make you happy and give you everything you want! The longer you stay in this situation, the more time you are taking away from finding a guy who is worthy of you.

  6. It sucks but I have to agree with everyone else - time to dump him. It'll be really hard and he probably won't make it easy but eventually you'll move on, get over him and look back SO pleased with yourself that you ended it. You will have no regrets.

  7. Everyone's advice is spot on. We put too much emphasis on wondering how a guy feels about us and we stop considering how they're making us feel about ourselves. if he's making you feel anxious, insecure, emotional, and a little crazy, then he's not the person for you. The best relationships are the ones where you don't have any of the bad intensity and feel safe/secure with the person. the good news is--- dating douche bags like this only makes us appreciate the good guys that much more once they come along.

  8. It appears that you have completed your course of study in this relationship and earned your degree. Time to move on! A few people stick around because they have a decent job in the dining hall, but there's probably more to see elsewhere.

  9. I like the way Josh put that! Time to move on. I know, easier said than done. I've had experience with two different guys like that, and I can share with you what I learned:
    1. You are not a priority, but rather, one of several "options". This is why he gets jealous when you are dating someone else; it might remove you from his list of "maybes", thus forcing him to actually make up his mind about you (try to get her back, or let her go for good?)
    2. The only one he's thinking about is himself. What's in it for him? What's convenient? What's easiest? You're off the option list if you get too difficult.
    4. He's always looking for options to add to the list. Every bar he visits, every party he attends, at the office, on vacation, on Facebook...always keeping his eyes peeled for options. Having options keeps his life uncomplicated and strokes his ego. He has to keep looking because every few months, one of his current options either a. becomes too pushy and he has to cut them off b. Wises up and leaves c. Starts dating someone seriously
    5. Guys like that don't WANT to be in love. They want their needs satisfied, then leave them alone. Somewhere in the past, he got his heart broken and never got over it. He may never get over it. But, only he can fix himself.
    6. That sweet, attentive, doting guy he was at the beginning is never coming back. Why did he act like that? To get you exactly where you are right now, clinging to the hope that if you could just say/do the *right* thing, that guy will return. Nope, that guy hasn't just left the building, he's left the parking lot- no, the entire zip code! That guy is never coming back, because that guy doesn't exist. His actions NOW are who he really is.

    1. Wow Anonymous! What you wrote is exactly what I needed to hear, in regards of a guy I'm "kinda" seeing. A great eye opener. I, too, got stucked thinking about the good moments, when actually I'm only a convenience for him. Time for a talk. I'm actually not that afraid of it, even though I've had awesome moments with him, because I like my own company, my friends and family. This "being in a grey area" just drives me nuts and it's time to end this. Thank you for your comment! -Lily

    2. Wow what a great comment and great advice. I am recently dealing with a guy who decided to "ghost" me after weeks of talking and dating (even though we only saw each other 2 times in person over the course of 6 weeks). He seemed so nice and kind and he seemed to really like me in the beginning, but after weeks started passing, his communication with me changed, he was less communicative with me, calling me and texting me less. But every time I brought up the question has he lost interest or is he losing interest in me, of course he says no and denies his feelings, but I knew he was. Thing that blows my mind about him and how it ended was the fact that he called me and made plans to hang out with me again on the weekend, he bought up the idea to hang out and see each other again, then he just stopped talking to me, started ignoring my texts, didn't answer when I called, and I haven't heard a word from him since almost 7 weeks ago now. I just recently sent him a text and I know I should not have done that, but this guy is like a poison to my mind. He is constantly just running around up there in my mind and I cannot get him to leave! Lol. I want to know why he just called me and acted as though everything was good between us and that we were going to hang out again, just to cease all contact with me, like wtf. Then I am still sending messages to his phone (I know I shouldn't, but I cannot let this go and I want to see if I can just get through to him!) and he reads them, just doesn't respond or even say something like "stop texting my phone!" "Leave me alone you crazy b****" or anything, he just stays silent, no matter what I say! I have said so much, things like "I want to end things on good terms, I want some closure" "please just say something to me, I need to hear something from you " "we probably wouldn't make a good match but we could at least have a friendship " "I really like you and care for you, how could you just do me like this?" And just so much stuff, he'll read it, will not respond or say anything! And I wonder why, it just doesn't make any damn sense and leaves me feeling so confused, and very sad at times still. But I cannot let it go, the wonder and confusion of why he did it is eating me up inside, I cannot get over it, I cannot forget about it! I have my days when I feel fine and don't think about it, but then I start again, it's like something reminds me of him and there I go, down that road again! Like for example, he drives a Chevy camaro, so every time I see that car now, I think of him and I see those cars ALOT lol. So it's like omg, I feel like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions and I'm suffering alone because he refuses to say anything to me!!!!!