Thursday, October 17, 2013

The Knowing What You Want BLOW OFF

Everybody's getting married and I shaved off all of my pubic hair.

This is a gross exaggeration, but it feels like the only honest thing I'll say today. In the past, I've written about blow offs that have happened months/years prior. This is of course, so that I can finish the post with some sort of the wisdom that only comes with time and healing. However, I'm taking this most recent blow off (that happened within the last hour) to kick that healing into hyper drive! Or I'll seriously embarrass myself, I'm fine with either.

The fact of the matter is that this was a very brief love affair — I went on 4 dates with the same person and didn't even put out. This shouldn't be an accomplishment, but I'm under 25 and can count the number of times I've had sex this year on one finger, so let's all just give credit where credit is due. We met on Tinder, because that's what courtship has been reduced to, and had really seemed to hit it off. I legitimately liked him. I even thought that this could be more than the short bursts of sex that I've called my twenties. However, this was not the case.

Last night, on date 4, I explained to my Tin-dud that, due to the fact that I was "feeling better about myself than I ever have, and really wanted to share this version of myself with someone," I wasn't looking to have casual sex. Instead, I wanted it to have meaning! I'll admit, not my best pillow talk, but points for honesty? We still fooled around, and I wasn't Amish about it, though it was clear that we were not on the same page about what we wanted our next sexual encounters to be like.

Which leads us to this morning, when he texted me to say that he'd just gotten out of a serious relationship (news to me) and didn't want anything more than casual. He claimed that he didn't think it would be fair to me to pursue things further. We ended over text, just as we'd began.

I agree. It wouldn't be fair. And the truth is, that next week at this time, I'll be fine. The only thing that I'll have to remind me of that guy is the itchiness that is my bush growing back. The hardest thing to deal with is that it feels like yet another, thing that just didn't work out. Call it what you will, "bad timing," "incompatibility," "just not the one," but it doesn't make you feel like any less of a failure.

The truth is, I've been extremely unsuccessful at dating and it feels like shit. I'm not a serial monogamist, and I've only ever been in one relationship. I go on a few dates a year and none of them have turned out to be more than material for this site. Lately, I've been contemplating if I should tone down my out-spoken personality so as to attract more suitors. But I have a feeling that changing my innate being for the sake of being someone's girlfriend would feel a hell of a lot worse than what I'm experiencing in this moment.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have my friend's "Save the Date" to design.

5 comments:

  1. I feel your pain, m'lady :( I've been there many a time, though I almost always put out because it was super fun.

    As to you questioning your "out-spokenness," I urge you, do not question it. In fact, turn that shit up all the way to 11 and do not apologize for anything. A few years ago, I was having the same dilemma as you (i.e. 'am I scaring them away?' 'is he going to think I'm a slut?' 'should I text him back now, or wait 20 minutes?'), and I tried toning myself down a little so as to attract and keep more suitors. This did not work. At all. And after this did not work, I believed I would be alone forever so I just said "eh, fuck it," and gave up, and got to just be myself. And after I started letting it all hang out (including allowing myself to be vulnerable and refusing to play "the game"), THAT's when dudes started lining up at my door. If I went on a date and I wanted to have sex with a guy, I did it. No disclaimers beforehand of "I don't usually do this," no apologies afterward for "moving too fast," and no playing it cool by saying I just want something casual when what I really want is a boyfriend to have lots more awesome sex with. Conduct yourself and choose your words from a position of defense rather than offense. This is hard for women, who are taught to actively TRY to be the kind of girl a guy wants. Fuck that noise. Change your lens: remember (or pretend, if need be) that YOU are the prize. Assume he wants to be in a relationship with you. Don't ask him if he does, don't tell him that you do, just ACT like he does, and consciously or not, he'll starting believing that he does. It's a weird Jedi mind trick.

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    1. Needed both of these posts this morning!! As a sage 25.5 year old (not. I still make the same mistakes over and over), I have to agree. One of my particular skills is "toning it down" so I can be exactly what he wants. Guess what, I'm still single. They see through the robot " I'm your perfect woman" bullshit after awhile and afterwards you wonder why you spent so. Much. Time. Trying to be someone you're not, just to have it crash and burn. Be you. You're the one who is lucky enough to spend the rest if your life with you so why try and be who you think they want? And you know what, the guy who wants you for you will be that much better because he can be himself too. Unless you're a sociopath, then maybe reevaluate.

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  2. I found this site about a month ago and LOVE IT! My best friend and I are 26/27 and single. The posts are so relatable! This is the best line "The only thing that I'll have to remind me of that guy is the itchiness that is my bush growing back." This was a great post, thank you!!

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    1. Also loved Erica's comment... spot on, be yourself someone will love you for who you are, quirks and all!

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  3. Love this post! And definitely do not change who you are! I don't know how old the guys you've been dating are, but you may need to go a few years older. Most of the guys who weren't scared off by my biting wit and sarcasm have always been a little older than me. The next time you think about changing immediately go to youtube and listen to this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4nQB3V10i8

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