Monday, November 11, 2013

I think I was an accidental mistress.

I kind of do this thing where I excessively stalk ex-boyfriends online. I'm not proud of it, but I can't help it. It's too easy these days. The internet, ladies, the damn internet.

I've been obsessing over my newest breakup from the summer - it's still fresh in my mind so it's natural for me to check his Twitter (he deleted his Facebook) and check his blog (he writes poetry and short stories). I really liked him. I missed him. He was funny. Hell, he was steadily employed - a far cry from the usual men I've had trysts with in the past. He was different. He was smart. He has an unhealthy obsession with Michael Jackson. And he seemed to be doing well (according to social media) - his business was picking up, he bought a new car and he found a new apartment in West Hollywood.  I was happy for him, I knew he had a troubled past and I genuinely wanted him to be happy even though it didn't work out between us. I just always thought the timing wasn't right for us and that was the real reason we ended things.  And then I saw something I wish I could take back.

He's living with his girlfriend in their new apartment in WeHo. Driving around in their new electric car together. Looking really happy in their photos.

We have no photos together.

For context, we broke up at the end of August - it's early November now. Either he is really rushing to wife up this new girl or it suddenly hit me that something was amiss.

Thanks to years of internet stalking ex-boyfriends, the Nancy Drew inside of me came alive as I poured over every red-flag incident that happened over the summer. And the more I found out, the more it crippled me as I realized that I was nothing more than just sex to him.

I had no idea at the time, but he was in a long-distance relationship with his girlfriend who lived in D.C. and she was already planning on moving to LA to be with him at the end of summer. We spent almost every night together this past summer - he seemed committed but at the same time, non-committal. But there were moments that came through that reassured me that he really liked me. He told me he was going away to San Francisco for business for a week in July - the minute he got off the return flight back to LA, he texted me and we holed up together again. I was the first face he wanted to see. It made me feel like I was his. I felt like I could love him one day. We got Korean bbq after he landed and he held my hand. And I thought, I could do this with him for a long time.

Thanks to the internet, I realized that he went to SF to meet up with his girlfriend. It was her birthday week.

All I know is that we broke up because he was going to be in Turkey for three weeks and that he had to concentrate more on his business than on a relationship. The week after we ended things, she moved to LA.

I don't know anything. Maybe she was aware of it the entire time, maybe I really was just a body to fill up time before she arrived, maybe they had an open relationship and maybe the sad truth is that at the end of the day, he just loved her more.

I really can't do anything more about this, there's no more point in staring at photos of them, reading his poetry, checking his Twitter - it won't change anything. I just feel small. I'm tired of dating. I'm tired of being alone. I'll probably feel very small for a long time and it'll take every ounce to not want to look at their photos again. And one day, hopefully soon, it won't suck anymore. But for now, damn, does it really, really suck.


  1. i'm so sorry this happened to you. i honestly wish people could just let others know exactly where they stand. be honest with feelings. if all they want is a hook up, fine, let me know. same with a relationship. don't just use a person and toss them away when they don't suit your needs anymore.
    hopefully soon it won't suck for you. it's going to take a long time, because you were treated as something special only to find out he never really meant it.
    i'm tired of even putting myself out there and trying. i'm happy on my own, but i'm tired of that too. so i sympathize with how you are feeling.

    i just wish people stopped with the games, be honest with the people you are sleeping with, cuddling.

    i entered a relationship. i guess now it was only a fling.. but his actions and words were pretty on par and i felt comfortable and decided to open myself up to the idea of being part of a couple. he made it official, i even gave him the out, but he was adamant. a month later he let me know that he was over it, and that he just isn't good at dating. he was doing a fine job as far as i was concerned. then he became distant and would literally avoid me, wouldn't speak to me. in general he turned into an ass.

    i am over it, sort of. i guess what i'm not over is the way i was treated. that i developed feelings that i truly believed were reciprocated, only to find out i was only needed for an ego boost. shit, had i known exactly where i stood i could have spared my feelings.

    so again, i'm so sorry you have to feel this way. i hope in time you will feel better. :)

    1. I'm so sorry to hear this :(. There are some real shitty people out there in this world.... honesty in dating truly goes a long way. I will never understand why people do the things they do but I thank you for your kind words and I hope time heals your wounds too. I guess the best we can do is keep on keeping on and hopefully we will meet someone someday that will treat us with the love we deserve.

  2. I did the same thing. This guy that I missed that I dated last year, I looked at his Instagram and I noticed he had a new GF. I went back to see how long their pics went together and they went back to the time we were dating. Granted, we weren't exclusive so I don't think I was a mistress per se, but it didn't exactly ring my bell knowing that he was dating and sleeping with us both at the same time. Smart phones are just as bad as the internet...

    1. Ugh. Technology. Sometimes I wonder if ignorance really is bliss at the end of the day. It's like that stephen merchant joke.... how dating in the medieval times was a lot less stressful than today. I will never understand how someone can compartmentalize people - I can barely keep afloat dating just one person. I'm sorry your guy wasn't honest either, it makes me so mad. I wish we could call all these guys out but then I also wonder what's the point. I guess we just have to be grateful that we both dodged that bullet at the end of the day. It still really sucks though regardless.

  3. There's always a variety of possibilities when someone is playing you... for many, the eggs in several baskets is just learned survival. I guess I've learned not to obsess in shock and depression each time, better to just look forward, side with or renew yourself with something that takes your direction... then obsess in shock and depression about the problems with that, once you find someone else that thinks your full of crap.

  4. I think what this guy did is all kinds of horrible. if this girlfriend moved to LA for him and they are now living together, then they were probably very serious while he was dating you. I seriously doubt they were non-exclusive b/c she was probably already making plans to move here. You DEFINITELY dodged a bullet. It totally sucks and I think you should let yourself be upset about it for as long as you need to be before you move on. You're the lucky one. His girlfriend is the one that moved to a new city for a cheater. he sucks!

  5. Am I seriously the only one who is going to suggest that maybe you should hit this douchebag's girlfriend up? I mean 1) you deserve to know; 2) she deserves to know; 3) it'd make for a great Blow Off update piece.

    Hell, Sara should come and record the conversation you have with the gf and put it on Youtube. It'll be like the Blow Off's own second-rate version of Cheaters.

    Btw, has anyone done a post on that show? The personality of the two anchors its had could make for a blog piece on its own! Those guys crack me up.

  6. There's also part of me that wants you to text the guy or email him and just let him know that you know. let him live in fear that you would one day tell his girlfriend.

    1. I've seriously thought about it - it's been eating me alive for two weeks whether or not I should let him know. But there is also a part of me that is scared that maybe she DID know the entire time and they're working it out? and then I'll look like the crazy stalker ex! I don't know. I'm conflicted.

    2. Knowing myself, if i were in your shoes, i'd do it. If he responds, that's probably he'll probably claim she did know but you should just respond back with something like "we both know that's total bullshit" I mean, how could he visit her in SF and then have you pick up from the airport. No girlfriend would be okay with that


    The ultimate blow off story . . .

  8. I'm going to share something with you that I have never told anyone.
    I was head over heels in love with my ex boyfriend. We were together for almost 4 years.
    Shit happens. We broke up. He started dating someone else right away and they are now engaged. (It's been almost 4 years since we broke up now).
    I waited 6 months before dating, was non-committal for awhile, and finally settled down with the man of my dreams. I don't want me ex back.... but I DREAM about him ALL THE TIME! I always wake up in shock and kindof depressed.
    Then, of course, I can't help but stalk him and his beautiful fiance on facebook. (It's entirely too easy). I can only console myself with the fact that she has gained about 50 pounds since they moved clear across the country together. I know it's horrible, and I'm not the type to judge a person by their weight, but he always made a point of the fact that fat chicks were a huge turnoff for him.
    Ahhh, the anonymity of the internet. Enabling women to relieve themselves of horrible secrets...

    1. I love this! Totally inspired a post idea, thanks Happily married!