Monday, December 22, 2014

Encore Presentation: The Single Girl's Guide to Surviving the Holidays

I'm a seasoned singleton when it comes to navigating the holidays alone. In fact, it has made me tougher, my alcohol tolerance is disconcertingly high, and I've learned to stop picking up my mother's phone calls.  Last year, my mother took me to see her psychic on Christmas Day where I was told that I would never find a husband and would probably die alone. The year before that, my mother cornered me in the hall and asked me if I like wine and if I wanted a boyfriend.

And finally, the year before that, my uncle told me that I needed to smile more because guys didn't like unhappy girls. To which I finally snapped and responded with:
This will be my fourth year going through the holiday season alone, and trust me when I tell you, nothing shocks me anymore. I'm at the age where everyone I know is in a long-term relationship, wifed up, engaged or still blinded by puppy love enforced by the twinkle lights around them. But I'm better than this, I've been training for this moment all year. I know no pain, I know no hunger, I crush fear with the sole of my Target heels that I'm forced to wear and I will swim oceans, climb mountains, jump through portals and defeat my darkest enemies to get to the good cheese plate first.

Here is a small list to help you survive the holidays this year. And remember dear Singleton, though it may seem bleak at times and profoundly annoying to not get invited to a "couples-only" dinner party that your best friend is throwing because she didn't want an "uneven number", you are not alone.

We are forever alone in this together.

1. A night with the original Singleton herself, Bridget Jones. I don't care how cliched it is, it's a holiday classic for single women everywhere. Bridget Jones is basically my patronus.

2. Wine. So. Much. Wine. I'm no doctor but I swear that the body is made up 50-70% of pinot.

3. A fistful of YA novels. I just rediscovered the joys of YA fiction and let me tell you, kids these days are really clueless about how romance works in the real word - but that's kind of the fun of reading them. For a good cry, The Fault in our Stars works.

4. Please, do not drink and dial after you re-watch this movie/scene:
This movie has been the bane of my existence ever since I saw it. It has ruined almost every New Year's Eve for me. Oh the hope... oh the texts...the many drunk texts, and the phone calls at midnight... I shudder. This shit is real, Taylor Swift. It's high time we get a hold of ourselves and not make poor life decisions because of this one SCENE! Oh this scene.

5. Time to bust out your dusty yoga mat that you got last New Year's Day. You have roughly five weeks left to finally fulfill your New Year's resolution that you never got around to doing. Unleash that burgeoning yoga bitch inside of you.

 6. Work on adulting. May I suggest researching about Roth IRAs?  And then reward yourself with Googling the One Direction boys after. (Remember to delete your internet history after.)

7. Don't get back with your ex because you're lonely during the holidays. PROMISE ME!

8. The Walking Dead marathon... to counterbalance Bridget Jones and When Harry Met Sally (that I specifically told you to avoid. Don't watch that scene!)

9. Anytime somebody asks you why you're still single, change the subject and talk about your work instead. And for the love of all things unholy, if they ever start singing Beyonce's Single Ladies to your lovely face, you have the universe's permission to punch them.

10. Last Christmas, my Facebook exploded with so many announcements of "so-and-so is now engaged to so-and-so", which made me go:
BUT!  Then I also realized that the limited edition seasonal Oreo flavors are out again. And all was right with the world. Don't even pretend you don't know that I'm talking about the elusive white fudge Oreos.

11. And finally, whatever you do, avoid reading Susan Miller at all cost.

What are your tips on how to survive the holidays this year?

 -Liz Lemon out.

5 comments:

  1. White fudge oreos are my favorite holiday treat. Mmmmmmmmm

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  2. is it bad that i want to do all of these things too even though I'm not single? Bridget Jones FOREVER.

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  3. These are somehow very important and must to be followed rules for all the girls. There are several singles looking for the most beautiful Iranian woman over web these days, as internet dating has grown high in popularity. All women and girls must follow some common tips of dating available over web and some very important of those can be found in this post as well. These should be followed for sure to have a good experience.

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  4. LOVE 10. Haha! So true and so sad. But it made me smile after a crappy day of missing my ex, so thanks :P And oreos are the BEST

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  5. Hahaha Susan Miller....

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