Monday, November 4, 2013

the slow burn & the BLOW OFF

I have a friend who's been dating a guy for awhile that she really likes, but after about four months of seeing each other, she's still reluctant to call him her boyfriend.  This is how she explains it: she's used to being into guys right off the bat, but this relationship has been more of a slow burn.  She's worried that's a sign they shouldn't be dating at all even though she does like him.  But shouldn't slow burns be exactly what to look for in a relationship?  Hear me out.

We've been conditioned to believe that when you meet someone, you have to feel an intense spark right away.  If you don't, then you and that person are not meant to be together.  The movies are partly to blame.  Most have a running time between 90 to 120 minutes.  If they follow the model of boy gets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back-- well then that's a maximum of two hours to tell an entire love story.  Which means you can only devote about five minutes to the couple actually falling in love.  It's always just one look or one clever line of dialogue and BOOM.  The jig is up.

Case in point.  500 Days of Summer.  This is all it takes for Tom to fall for Summer.
That's it. A twenty-six second elevator ride in which she tells him she loves The Smiths.

Our past love affairs are also to blame. We've all dated people where the attraction was apparent right away.  There was no internal debate on whether you were into the person or whether or not you could see yourselves together down the road.  You had made an instant connection which could only mean one thing: the two of you were destined to get married and have adorable children together.  Just curious, but how did those love affairs work out for you in the end?  I mean, even Tom doesn't end up with Summer.

A slow burn means you're falling for the person the more you get to know them.  You're taking your time.  There's probably less drama and fighting and confusion.  You feel at ease and that's probably a strange feeling, because all those crazy/intense/passionate relationships made you feel all kinds of anxious. Don't get me wrong-- there has to be some sort of a burn.  You can't force feelings or settle for someone that bores you.  But when it's easy and comfortable and makes sense, well, that to me is when love has infinite potential.


  1. That's depressing. Its like hiring a bodyguard from loneliness. I don't have sane hindsight on this one, but there going to be a lot of hurt and regret in the end. I'd rather wait for the spark. Its a good question for Vodka Vagina.
    Sometimes a real spark can show up at random in a relationship in front of you, but it has nothing to do with desperation sex or convenience.

    1. This post totally isn't about desperation sex or convenience or a bodyguard from loneliness. that's an entirely different type of relationship all together and not one I would ever recommend. I meant for this to be more about falling in love slowly VS getting obsessed quickly.

  2. I've been in that exact situation. Although i did like him a lot and didn't feel like I was settling or forcing anything, I didn't feel the spark the way I had in previous relationships. I kept thinking this wasn't the way I always pictured it would be (I blame the movies) because there was no magical movie moment. I wondered what else was out there, could I find that movie spark? I figured it would inevitably end, but when it did I REALLY missed him. I feel like I did mistake the drama of my previous relationships for passion. I had found someone I liked being around, it was easy, comfortable and not an emotional rollercoaster. AND I was attracted to him. Let me tell ya, that is not easy to find. I think there all different kinds of love. Some people experience a meet cute, and fall quickly and hard and it lasts. For others, there is more of a slow burn and there is nothing wrong with that!! Taking time to get to know someone and letting feelings grow with time and through sharing experiences, is building a foundation which is so important. It took losing my guy to realize what I had, so my best advice is to really look at what you have in front of you and really think about if you want to live without him.

    1. Wow, this comment is really eye-opening. You need to write us a full blow off story about this. Thanks for the honesty!