Tuesday, November 19, 2013

top ten ways to bring back chivalry

We ladies love to commiserate over the fact that somewhere between the women's lib movement and the nineties, chivalry died a slow painful death. What we don't always like to admit is that we played a role in killing it. I'm a proud feminist (I don't get girls who hate that word) and I love to give off the "strong, independent, I can do anything you can do better" vibe and that's great-- but it also confuses the shit out of men.  It turns out, we never really explained to them how to support us in our strongsomeness (that's a new word I just invented.  strong + awesomeness, you're welcome), while still maintaining the gentlemanly qualities we've always loved in them.  So, here's a helpful guide. 

10.  Don't go dutch on the first date.  I know we've discussed this on this blog ad nauseam, but it bears repeating.  When a girl offers to split the bill with you, she gets a100 brownie points for being polite and gracious, but you should not take her up on it.  I promise you, no woman will be offended if you treat them to dinner but many will be turned off if you don't.  If you can't afford dinner, then drinks or coffee is fine too.  But here's the deal, I don't really believe in going dutch ever.  I think men and women should take turns treating each other.   Splitting the bill is kind of tacky and any woman that expects you to pay ALL the time is not someone you want to be with anyway.  Men, comment below if you were ever LESS interested in a girl because she was willing to treat you. 

9. Safety first.  Walk us to our cars or our apartments, please.  We're females and no matter how tough we are, we always feel a little bit vulnerable walking alone at night. And if you drop us off at home, wait in your car until you make sure we get inside okay.  Being with a man that feels genuinely protective and concerned for our safety is a huge turn on. 

8.  Pick us up before a date.  Yes, in the age of internet dating, a lot of people prefer to meet at a location instead of have someone come to their house, but you'll start things off on the right foot if you offer to pick us up and take us home.  If we're not comfortable with it, we'll make an excuse to meet you instead, but we'll be flattered that you offered. (ladies, please don't get into anyone's car that you've never met). 

7. Opening a car door (or any door for that matter) goes a LONG way.  I remember the first guy I dated who did this for me and he could basically do no wrong the rest of the night.  It set the mood, it was romantic, and it also said "this is a date."  Ladies: don't forget about the door test (see below-- although does that even apply anymore what with automatic locks?)

6.  That same guy used to help me put my coat on.  Honestly, I think he may have actually time traveled from the 1950s and never told me, but I kind of loved feeling like Jackie O for those brief few moments.

5.  For the love of GOD, carry our luggage.  We tend to over pack and that shit is heavy. 

4.  You don't have to return the favor.  And by that I mean let US return the favor.  (and by that I mean go down on us first.)

3. One of the hottest physical gestures-- ever in the world known to man and animals-- is placing your hand on our lower backs as you guide us through a crowd or out of a busy restaurant. Do it.  Do it all the time.

2.  Okay, so I'm not a fan of guys ordering for me at a restaurant because I have psychotic tendencies when it comes to food BUT I do love a guy who can make plans and pick a dinner spot-- and this might be controversial-- I also like a man who will confidently pick out and taste a bottle of wine.  But I still want them to include me in the process.  Cause I can't suffer through a bottle of rosé.

1. Pick up the god damn phone.  I am a total victim of text messaging addiction.  When my friends call me on the phone, I'm generally convinced it's to tell me someone died.  But back when I was dating in the early 2000s, text messaging was barely a thing and guys still had to call.  I can still remember vividly my roomie in New York City jumping for joy when a guy she'd met left her a message on our ANSWERING MACHINE.  A voice mail message from a guy you like is the best.  We need to bring those back.  So, dudes don't be afraid to go old school by calling a girl up on the phone every once in awhile.  And even committing her phone number to memory if things are going smoothly.


  1. Thank you for preaching the gospel of the hand on the lower back!! It's one of the things that I miss the most about being close to a guy. I'll never forget the first time it happened (in high school):

    I was on a first date, at the movies, and had leaned down to put something in my purse, when I felt his hand on my lower back. Obviously, this was foreign territory, so I, in all of my awkwardness, lurched up, spun my head to look at him and said, "What are you doing?!" He immediately retracted his hand and said, "Nothing!!" I die.

    Needless to say, it didn't take long to adjust to this gesture, and I often catch myself missing the warmth that comes along with it. I swear I'm not crying in the fetal position right now.

    1. one of my facebook friends mentioned it when i solicited advice for this post and she was so spot on. The hand on the lower back is the ultimate sign of love. but get out of the fetal position sassypants! there will be other hands!

  2. Amazing list! Dudes everywhere should read this and take note. I may be guilty of unrealistic rom-com dating fantasies at times, but seriously, are these ten things really too much to ask for?

    Any chivalrous gesture that confirms "this is a date" is welcomed. I recently went on two "dates" with a guy who complained to the mutual friend who'd introduced us that it appeared I thought we were just hanging out as friends.

    I knew they were technically "dates" but after he let me pay for the first drinks outing (after I made the courtesy offer, which, also, is not the first time the courtesy offer has come back to bite me) and made no attempt whatsoever to touch me (lower back or otherwise flirtatiously), I figured it wasn't gonna be romantic thing. In fairness, I wasn't really interested in him "that way" even if I looked past all the non-chivalry, but he certainly didn't help his own cause any.

    1. yes, these are the things guys need to do to signal to us that they like us. I'm sure he would have at least earned himself a second date had he done that!

  3. Any way I can anonymously send this to every single male in my life? :) To help my male friends, my brothers, cousins, guys I like... Needs to go viral. (I secretly hate that saying.) Brilliant Saaara! Hope you're having a lovely week!

  4. And I actually just sent this link to all my male friends, brothers, and cousins! :)

  5. Mrs. K-sky met me at the location on our first (internet-appointed) date; she also bought the first round. (We swapped thereafter.) I still kissed her in the bar.

    She does love a car door opened for her. I try to remember.