Monday, December 16, 2013

BLOW OFF questionnaire: Meet Vanesa

Editor's Note: Vanesa and I have known each other since junior high school orientation.  We went to different elementary schools and met when a couple of the girls from my school nearly got into a fight with her.  This was back in the nineties when people used to say things like "step up" and "are you talking shit?"  Anyway, the fight was short-lived once it became clear my friends were just jealous of Vanesa's long brown Winnie Cooper hair.  Anyway, she's an extremely insightful person and an amazing writer which is why I asked her to participate in our questionnaire.  And she still has great hair.

I love guys who…are smart weirdos with hearts of gold, and never hold their good taste against anyone.
I hate guys who… This is not going to be popular, but… American boyfriends are generally the pits. I know I'm going to get some serious shade for this, but every one that I've attempted to boo up with has turned out to be a giant man-baby who could not fathom a life in which he wasn't the slacker, anti-hero, genius, center of the multiverse. All's I know is the international men I've been with were capital D, Down for a partnership. Demonstrative, affectionate, future-envisioning people who wanted to commit. And every time I had one, I was like "whoa, heyyy, uhhh, i dunno", hands up in the air, promptly backed out of the whole thing because I couldn't handle it. I think I have Bad American Boyfriend Stockholm syndrome (BABSS, it's real)… I realize this isn't going to be true for everyone, and disclaimer disclaimer, mitigating backpedal inserted here. 
My worst breakup was…The one that I saw coming from the start. I was my own hostage that time. My easiest breakup was…I don't remember an easy breakup. I'm hoping this is just because it was soooOOOOoo easy that I've forgotten about it, and not because all my breakups have been excruciating and the end of the world. 
Um... I've been in love 2.5 times. The half love was confusing and delicious.
I've had my heart broken 3 times. I have micro-heartbreaks all the time. Because I'm a chronic crusher. Really, at all times I know exact who in the room I'd run away with to the country. When my crush leaves the coffee shop, I'm like whyyyy god! Whyyy me!
I've broken 3 hearts. They were all better people than me.
My go-to sad breakup song is…"Nothing Compares 2 U" Sinead. Or "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie. In my car. On repeat. 
My go-to "fuck you" breakup song is… Generally "Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole" by Martha Wainright. Or I listen to "Rebel GIrl" by Bikini Kill and feed my inner lesbian so that I don't need 'em! Plus that song can make you feel pretty in love with yourself if you let it, and that's the best remedy for a broken heart ya'll (I know you know that already, but.)!  Also, "5 Years" by Bjork which is for when I truly feel it's all your fault, but not because you're bad.
The song I would most want a guy to play outside my window with a boom box is… "This Must be the Place" Talking Heads. I had my first ever wedding thought about 2 months ago (and I'm 33), and it was simply the words "I want to have my first dance to that one Talking Heads song" running on a ticker tape in my head, followed by the first visual of my potential wedding. It really startled me, cause I've never been that wedding planning girl. I must be getting bored or something. 
I knew he was the one when…I should say "I thought he was the one when…" and that's when 8 months into our relationship he would still run up my staircase to see me, smiling and looking me right in the eye the whole time like he was on fire, and I was the only thing that could help. His eye contact was stellar. He was British and slight, and he drove me insane. 
I knew he wasn't the one when…When he forgot my birthday. Like a hard forget, the kind you have to alert him to. And a bonus round: When he wouldn't call me his girlfriend after a year. Words are important people, no "hanging out" for 12 months!
Angelina Jolie…Makes my bones ache. I'm not exaggerating or trying to be smart, she really is so fragile that I literally HURT EVERYWHERE when I see pictures or film of her. Especially in action movies, I'm like, "Don't hit her, she's gonna break!!" I want to nurse her back to life like a baby bird (whatever, I'd chew up food for her). I think once she wasn't skeletal anymore, then I'd go ahead and have an opinion about her. 
Reality TV… is pretty formulaic and rotten. EXCEPT when it's a talent competition of any kind- then it's formulaic and WONDERFUL. I'll stop everything I'm doing for Project Runway or Chasing Nashville (GO WATCH CHASING NASHVILLE!).


  1. I love this post! I like the "weirdos with hearts of gold, and never hold their good taste against anyone". That's pretty much the dream guy. I also have to say that I really appreciate how honest you were with the answer to the I Hate Guys Who question. It's a hard thing to say out loud. And it makes me feel like less of a freak to hear about another American girl who also has trouble dating American guys (as foxy as I find them). I didn't even think I liked dating or would find anyone to date until I moved to Europe in college and had a completely different set of experiences/time of my life. My best friend and I all but bonded over suffering from BABSS (she went on to marry a gorgeous, brainy non-American guy from the Land of Commitment). Anyway, this is a great, funny post all around. Oh, and I totally hear you about Angelina! Her poor bones. I keep expecting her to collapse into a pile of dust.
    -Ad Nauseum

  2. I'm not one for pick up lines, but somethings I remember about yesterday must be about tomorrow... stay beautiful lady.


    1. Hey Mystery, read the comment I left, should be just below this. DO IT, you know you want to!

  3. 1833, REVEAL YOURSELF! You can't be dropping riddles and not expect me to HAFTA know who you are. C'mon. Don't be ascaird... Unless you're just one of my friends and you're being nice, in which case, let the mystery live!

    Ad Nauseum, thanks gurl! BABSS support group coming to a town near you soon!

  4. 1-8-3-3. We must get to the bottom of this. Perhaps they are numbers corresponding to letters in the alphabet. No, nevermind-- that spells Aicc. this is the first blow off mystery we've had.

    1. AAAHahaha, Sara, you are too hilarious. I was doing the SAME SHIT. And then I was doing numerology, where I'd add up all the numbers, add that, and came up with 5. Nope, no sign, no dice, idea at all... maddening! -Vanesa

  5. Hey Vanessa,

    Has anyone ever told you that you are 1/2 woman and 1/2 amazing? You are...

    1. Whoa there, that's a damn good line and you know what? I'LL TAKE IT, thanks ANONYMOUS (damn it all to H) -Vanesa