Thursday, December 19, 2013

friends don't let friends date assholes.

Or do we?

The subject came up the other night among my group of girlfriends. When (if ever) is it appropriate to tell a friend that you don't like their significant other?  I'm mostly of the opinion that you need to tell them, because if you don't, it'll just surface in other terrible passive aggressive ways.  A couple years ago, a friend of mine was moving pretty quickly into a relationship with a guy she had just started dating. 

Less than a month into the relationship they were already saying "I love you" and he had moved into her place.  I was concerned for a variety of reasons-- mostly because she had just moved out of her last boyfriend's place a few months earlier.  At the time, I didn't know her new boyfriend well at all, but I still wasn't sure they were right for each other.  Mostly, I just felt like she was going into it without her eyes wide open.

I tried to keep my opinion to myself, but one night out at a bar, I sort of unloaded on her.  Of course it all came from a place of love and concern (doesn't it always?) but in hindsight, I was too brutally honest.  I have to add that it was nothing personal with the guy (he is the furthest thing from an asshole), it was more the overall situation.  Either way, it's sometimes impossible to tell your friends what you think without it feeling like you're giving them a lecture.  A year later, they eloped and she didn't tell any of us about it until after the fact-- mostly because she was nervous about how we'd react.  Even though I was a little shocked, I realized at that point that all I could and should do as a friend was be 100% supportive.

That same friend once said to me that our mutual besties new boyfriend was her favorite of any of the guys any of us had dated.  Which translated means: I like him better than your boyfriend.  She didn't say it outright, but it obviously hurt my feelings because I still remember it and I'm including it in this post.  But if you're gonna dish it out, you also have to be able to take it.

Regardless, we are still very close friends but that's not always the case.  As I was debating the subject with my girlfriends, one of them mentioned that when a couple of her friends flat out told her they didn't like her last boyfriend, it completely impacted her friendship with them. She felt that them sharing their opinion marked the beginning of the end for her and the boyfriend.  She started looking at him with more of a critical eye, which brought about more discord in the relationship, and that was one of the things that ultimately led to their demise.  It was hard for her not to resent her friends after the break-up and she's only recently started mending fences. 

Obviously, in some extreme situations-- you have to tell your friend.  I'd like to think Katy Perry told Rihanna she wasn't all that into Chris Brown.  But what do you guys think?  Is there anyone your friends are dating that you're not into?  Will you let them know?  Comment below!

I'm pretty sure we've posted this video before, but it's a worthy repost (I mean, did anyone like Petrovsky?):


  1. I don’t think I would mention it to my friends for different reasons.
    I believe that my friends are capable of seeing what I see! If they decide to date someone, they obviously had seen some value in that character that makes him/her worth dating. I really think choosing a significant other is personal. I have couple friends that I know we can never agree on which option is good/ bad, only because we have different priorities. If someone doesn’t meet my priorities, doesn’t mean that it won’t be a good option for someone else. Now, if we are talking about jerks who are hurting our friends in different ways, and she/he is so in love that can’t see it, then mentioning it to her won’t change her mind. She is still so in love and won’t hear it. All it would do is ruining the friendship. So no matter what, I totally like all my friend’s significant others.

  2. this topic is so sensitive to me. i should comment anonymously

  3. In general, I wouldn't say something. I'm just the kind of person who avoids confrontation. I'd rather be supportive no matter what. I have a friend, we'll call her T, who has a bf I don't particularly care for. My own husband has seen him act inappropriately with other girls. He seems to bring out the worst of her too. Anyway they came to a breaking point a while back and T was ready to end it with him. At that time I finally felt like I could unload and tell her all the reasons I didn't think he was "the one." She agreed with every reason. But, after a week or so she took him back. Now, I sit back listen to her talk about how happy they are, how great he is now, but I don't really believe it. I believe she thinks she's happy, but I don't believe he's capable of change. I do, however, believe that as an outsider you don't know as much as you think you know about someone's relationship. My husband and I hit a very low point when dating and we made it out. An outsider may have thought there's no way a couple could recover from what happened, but we did and we know it. We wouldn't have gotten married if we didn't. So, I do what I think a good friend does, just smile, listen, and be supportive.

  4. I TRY my hardest to be as supportive as possible. BUT when a guy hurts a friend of mine over and over and over and over again, it's hard for me to believe there's anything good left there. And as much as I'd like to say, "to each their own"...I want what's best for them and what's best is for someone to be happy, and when they are sad more than they're happy, it's hard for me to continue to keep my mouth shut. Sorry friends!

  5. I had a good friend call saying she had some news, I said you and ___ broke up! she said No, we're engaged! Insert foot in mouth. She ended up breaking off the engagement a couple of months later, which I know wasnt't easy, so proud of her!