Thursday, December 12, 2013

NEVER say this to someone who's single.

When people are in relationships, they tend to think they get carte blanche when it comes to giving their single friends advice.  Suddenly, because someone wants to stick it in them regularly, they think they have all the answers.  I am the one exception to this rule, so don't let the fact that I'm in a relationship deter you from taking my advice on the blow off.  My advice is the holy gospel.  In fact, I plan to become a break-up televangelist.  Totally kidding.  I give horrible advice.  I was, after all, the one to tell sassy pants to continuing dating this guy.

I'm sure there have been many times my single friends wanted to bitch-slap me after I dropped some "mad wisdom" on them about my dating experiences.  So for all of you that are married or have a bf/gf, here are the top ten things we need to stop saying to all of our single friends-- some curated by my Facebook friends, some by me-- because I'm in a relationship which means I know everything. 

10.  "If I was single, I would totally online date".   Okay, I'll fully admit that I've said this countless times.  Mainly because it's true, but I still get why it's super obnoxious.  New rule: the only people that can encourage their single friends to online date are the ones who met their spouses online.  The rest of us just need to stfu.

9.  "You'll meet him when you least expect it".  What does that even mean?! Like when you're in the bathroom pooping, he'll just show up out of thin air and you'll be like "OMG, I was totally NOT expecting to meet someone right now."  Do you know how hard it is to try to not expect to meet someone so you can meet someone?  It just makes you expect to meet someone all over again!  Single people: from now on, this should be your response.
8.  "Whatever happened to *Insert one of their exe's names*?  I always thought you guys would end up together."  Encouraging your single friends to get back with their exes is sort of the equivalent of telling them you don't think there's any hope there's anyone else out there for them and they need to go back to the dating well.  Plus, what if they go on the hunt for said ex and find out he's married and fall into a deep dark depression and try to dig themselves out of it by getting a bad haircut?

7.  "Can I tell you this really amazing thing my boyfriend did?"  You know that scene in Sex and the City when Carrie's dating Berger and she and Charlotte are gushing over how in love they both are?  That is totally appropriate.  What's not appropriate is doing that with a friend who's not dating anyone.  I'm not saying you should trash your sig other around them, but maybe don't read that really sweet card he wrote for you on your anniversary to anyone other than yourself.

6.  "You just have to put yourself out there."  You're only allowed to say this to your friend if they literally live in a bubble.  Literally. 
5.  "There's someone for everyone.  You just haven't found him yet."  Why not just say "there's someone for everyone.  Maybe your person died before you had a chance to meet him."

4.  "Just be yourself." Cause....they've been totally pretending they were someone else up until now?  And first of all, how many of us can truly say we were exactly ourselves when we met our sig-others.  I spent at least six months pretending I was sweet and pleasant and sane all the time.

3. "You're SO lucky you're single.  Relationships are so hard." Yes, relationships are hard.  Everyone in the world knows this.  But you know what's even harder?  Being the single person in a sea of happy couples who love to whine about how hard their relationships are.  And come on guys, if we were really that envious of the single life, then we'd just end our relationships and be single.

2. "I remember when I was single..." (in a patronizing tone.)  Good for you.  Now please, repeatedly punch yourself in your face so you can forget.
1. "I can't believe you're single."  Totally guilty of this one.  I know it sounds like a compliment (believe me, I can't believe any of my friends are single) BUT it just makes people think there's something secretly wrong with them.  That they should be thrown into a cage so scientists and secret government agents can poke and prod at them and figure out WHY THEY'RE STILL SINGLE.  I give single people permission to turn around and say "I can't believe you're in a relationship."  Snap.


  1. I get #1 all the time...even from guys I go on dates with! WTF? Shouldn't you be HAPPY I'm single so we can go on this date homeboy? SMH

  2. LOVE this whole post. My favorite is the comeback for #1...using it.

  3. Bhaha! #9. Oh my god #9..... I will go Rambo on someone if I hear that one more time in my life. And why is it always followed with a pity look too??

  4. Thank you so much for this post! I feel this list should be handed out at family events, social gathering with coupled friends, friends who are over the top IN LOVE, and friends you haven't seen in a bit... "These are just some lovely tips on how NOT to make me feel shitastic!" OxOx

  5. I love this whole post -- except #7. As long as they're not obnoxious about it, I totally want to hear about my friend's awesome boyfriend. Just because I don't have my own awesome boyfriend doesn't mean I can't be happy for her. I'd hate to have a friendship were someone doesn't want to share their happiness with me for fear that I'll be jealous.

    1. you are a better person than me. I'm married and i still get annoyed when people gush about their boyfriends/husbands. it's like, keep that shit to yo-self.

  6. This is beautiful and right and true. I got the "I would date online if I were single" line this past weekend, and I WAS NOT EVEN SHY OR APOLOGETIC AT ALL about my online dating. I was like, "um, can you just comment on what I'm actually saying instead of revealing your lurking prejudice!" Stupid.

  7. It used to drive me crazy when people would say #'s 4, 5, 6, and 9 to me. "Just be yourself, there's someone for everyone, you just have to put yourself out there, and you'll meet someone when you least expect it."

    What. The. Actual. F---.

    Every objection listed here is completely accurate. When I was single, this advice was never helpful. As far as I knew, I WAS being myself, I WAS "out there" (wherever there is), and IF there is someone for EVERYONE, why are so many people ALONE?

    And then something sort of crazy happened.

    I DID meet someone somewhere I least expected it.

    I DID have to put myself out there by contacting him afterwards instead of letting him disappear off into the ether (which I was tempted to do out of fear of supreme awkwardness).

    And I don't know if there is "someone for everyone"...but I DID meet someone who seems, more than anyone else ever has, like he is "for me."

    I'm still struggling with the whole "be yourself" thing. Not because I ever feel like I'm trying to be someone I'm not, but because I feel like I'm always apologizing for being the way I am, despite the number of times he reassures me that my being the way I am is the REASON that he loves me in the first place so I should STOP apologizing for it. (Go figure!)

    And now I find myself struggling not to be this person you're talking about in this post because I know how much it sucks to be single and hear people say garbage like this to you.