Wednesday, December 4, 2013

sexual fidelity is super lame.

The former love of my life and eternal celebrity crush (AKA Ethan Hawke) made some interesting comments this week about his divorce from Uma Thurman and the subject of fidelity.  He and Thurman famously split up in 2003 after it was widely believed that he cheated on her.  Here are a few of his quotes, followed by my thoughts because I'm female and I live to analyze everything that comes out of a man's mouth:

"People have such a childish view of monogamy and fidelity.  He's cheated so he's bad, she's cheated so she's bad, as opposed to a recognition that our species is not monogamous.  To act all indignant, that your world has been rocked because your lover wasn't faithful to you, is a little bit like acting rocked that your hair went grey."

Holy crap.  I have a new grey hair every week and I'm pretty much rocked to the core every time I spot one.  Surprisingly, I sort of agree with part of this statement.  I pretty much consider cheaters to be one step above rapists and pedophiles (okay, that's extreme) but I do think Hawke is right that infidelity doesn't necessarily make you an evil person.  But it really bothers me that he scoffs at people for being upset after they've been cheated on.  Indignant used in this context is just SO condescending, right?  Does this mean we should all just expect our spouses to cheat on us the longer we're married to them? And that we have to be all "no worries, it was totes inevitable.  Let's hug it out."  I know some people are more forgiving of a one night slip VS a full-fledged affair, but sex is so intimate.  How can you ever move on from knowing your significant other's penis was inside another vagina-- or that another penis was inside your sig other's vagina or mouth or butt?  WORLD.  ROCKED.

On his marriage with the woman who used to be his kid's nanny: "My relationship with my present wife is thrilling to me and I'm committed to it, but neither she nor I know what shape the future will come in. Sexual fidelity can't be the whole thing you hang your relationship on.  If you really love somebody you want them to grow, but you don't get to define how that happens. They do."

Okay, how much do we all LOVE that he refers to her as his "present wife" instead of just wife.  He's basically just confirmed that they aren't going to be together forever.  And I'm sorry-- this is judgy-- but of course his present wife is all kinds of cool with the notion of him cheating.  She used to be a nanny and now she's married to a movie star.  Which is also what probably attracted him to her in the first place.  Think about it.  Hawke cheated on Thurman when she was shooting Kill Bill.  She was at the peak of her career and according to IMDB, he'd done an episode of Alias during that time.   So, he left her and ended up with someone who will most likely always be less successful than him.  (present wife even looks like the poor man's Uma Thurman.)

In an interview from a few months back, Hawke discusses his marriage to Thurman who he married when he was 27 (holy crap, that's young): "There was this discovery that the male brain isn't done until 28. I definitely think my frontal lobe was not finished.  I had no business taking vows that would last more than two weeks."

OMG.  This totally proves my point that twenty-eight is the sweet spot for men when it comes to settling down.  Ladies, I'm telling you.  Don't bother dating or marrying a man under the age of twenty-eight.  Actually, it's totally fine if you want to but just don't act all indignant when he puts his penis in someone else's hot pocket.

What do you guys think of Hawke's statements?  Comment below!


  1. "...don't act all indignant when he puts his penis in someone else's hot pocket." Best quote. Ever. Great post. And she DEFINITELY looks like the poor man's Uma.

  2. ^ Hahaha! Yes, best quote ever!!

  3. I'm all for people writing their own rules together around sexual exclusivity, but using half-baked evolutionary psychology to justify their behavior and then calling anyone who objects "childish" is not exactly moving the conversation forward.

  4. Could not agree more, Josh. You basically articulated what I couldn't manage to do in the post without rambling.

  5. Wow Ethan's present wife is so not cute! Thanks for pointing that out.

  6. OK, here is the thing with this one: Like Hawke, I also don't believe (for myself) in perfectly monogamous relationships. I have never had one -- and I also think that cheating while in one, depending on the circumstances, can be a forgivable thing (there is a difference between a one-night stand and a long, drawn-out affair).

    BUT -- anyone who actually feels the way I do needs to make it perfectly clear to the person they are in a relationship with. Let them know that you will not be monogamous, that you're into open relationships, and then all is well. But if you pledge monogamy (and I don't know if Hawke actually did) and THEN you go against that by cheating and lying to your significant other, that person is not overreacting at all by being upset because it's not really about what you've done with your d**k (or vag). It's about the fact that you have LIED to and BETRAYED the other person (especially if this is something you do over a long period of time without telling your partner). And THAT, Mr. Hawke, is being childish indeed.