Monday, December 9, 2013

The Bachelor: early predictions

Everyone's favorite recaps will return next month with the premiere of El Soltero on ABC.  That's Spanish for "Bachelor" in case Juan Pablo has zero idea what show he's on.  Anyway, the network just released photos and bios for all the contestants, so here are my early predictions of the final four.   Sadly, even though Juan Pablo is Venezualan, this year's group is homogenous as usual.  The good news is most of these ladies actually spell their names right! 

Just like Sean surprised us by picking a non-white person, I think Juan Pablo might surprise us by picking a white person.  If I remember correctly, his daughter is blond so he might want someone that could actually look like her biological mother.  Chelsie fits the bill.  She's young (24) and her occupation is listed as "science educator" (So science teacher?) which I'm guessing means she's good with kids.  I get a "good girl" vibe from Chelsie because even though she spells her name wrong, she's wearing a white button-down blouse in her photo.  No deep V-neck?  No hot pink?  This girl is a true original. 
I now present to you the girl that everyone in the house will be extremely jealous of.  Lucy has that "I'm stunning but I barely have to put on any make-up" look that will make every girl with an orange spray tan and fake blond hair want to slit their wrists.  Wait.  It gets worse.  When asked if she likes to be the center of attention or mysterious she says: "I like to be the center of attention because I think I deserve to be.  I have a commanding presence.  I am charming, charismatic and entertaining."  Wait.  It gets worse.  Kate Upton is her best friend (Um, you know Juan Pablo will be jonesing for a future threesome).  WAIT.  IT GETS WORSE.  She lists "free spirit" as her occupation.  Let's all take bets on how soon she says she's not here to make friends.
I'm leaning towards giving Valerie a spot in the top 4, because she seems tough and no nonsense and might not be one of those girls that cries in the first episode or drones on and on about soul mates and feeling like a princess.  She's a personal trainer from Sutter, CA (where the fuck is that?) and likes books like the bible and the dictionary.   There's no mention of her being Latina, but she certainly looks like she could be so we had to put her on our short list.  And since Juan Pablo was a pro-soccer player, I think it's safe to assume he'd want a significant other that enjoys the little things in life like going to the gym.  I have a feeling at some point during the season, Valerie and Lucy are going to rip each other to shreds on a two on one date.
Shockingly, as far as I can tell, Victoria is the only girl in the bunch who lives in Latin America (Brazil) which means she's the only person in the house Juan Pablo will be able to understand or talk to.  Assuming that's something he's looking for in a wife, then Victoria has an obvious edge on the other women.  I mean, she'll be the only one that can say his name correctly.  (Wun Pablo). She has also mastered the art of the "hand on hip, head tilt" pose which takes serious skill.  She also happens to be stunning and will probably run around in one of those tiny Brazilian bikinis and ABC will have to blur out her butt. Victoria's biggest competition might be this girl Alexis who references her Abuelo and Abuela and talks about wanting to do missionary work to educate others on the Catholic faith.  Um, game on.

Going home the first night:
I'm sorry, but not only is Amy on the older side of the spectrum (Yes, 31 is the older side of the spectrum with this group) but she also happens to be the only contestant with bangs-- and since 4.5 out of five guys has an aversion to bangs-- I believe she has a very high chance of getting eliminated.  She also doesn't have any tattoos and has good taste in music (she lists Radiohead, Bob Dylan, and The Beatles) SO she might be a little too cultured and high brow for this show.  All things considered, I think Amy has about a 90% chance of getting the boot the first night along with one of the only two black girls (you can't send them both home on the first night, because then you are basically admitting you're a racist.)


  1. I like to make a prediction (usually after the first episode) of if there's a person who leaves partway through the show because they realize they're "not cut out for this" which actually means they're probably a sane, normal human being who will go on to live a reasonably great life.

  2. A couple things...

    I would say it's "Wan Pablo." And, if she's from Brazil she'll speak Portuguese while our friend Juan will speak Spanish. Maybe she's extra cultured though and learned the language the rest of her neighboring countries speak.

  3. holy crap, i feel so ignorant for not knowing portuguese was the official language of Brazil. Shoot, that means they won't understand each other either!!! Obi Wan Pablo forever!

  4. Chelsie is from the town my parents live in...interesting. It's back woods if you have all your teeth you are considered to be somebody! I wonder how she will adjust in the house?