Monday, January 20, 2014

A Male Perspective on the Bachelor: Episode 2 Recap

Hi, my name is Terence Gifford, and I’m back with my week-two ‘Male’s Persepctive’ on this season of ABC’s The Bachelor. Yes, I am now forcing everyone I know to refer to me by Terence Gifford. It’s so much sexier having two first names, even when one of them is Gifford. It actually makes me sound like some British monarch, but beggars can’t be choosers…

Now, apparently, there was some Bachelor special on Sunday that perhaps I could have made comments on, but being as there were football games and I have testicles, that wasn’t happening. Nice try, though, ABC. So, let’s see, it’s the start of the second episode, and the girls are sitting around in the biggest house in Los Angeles with the least amount of furniture, and they’re giggling, and laughing, and smiling, and giggling, and then there’s Sharleen.

Anyways, the first date card comes, and some hot chick gets chosen. What was her name? I don’t know. Maybe Kasey. Or Tonyah. Jennee, perhaps? Whatever, she was hot. Oh, wait, that’s the one with the fake preggo belly. I like her. She’s got some chompers, but they’re more like Ali Larter chompers than Hilary Swank chompers. I guess that’s a good thing. And in walks Juan Porno, causing the biggest surge of nipple erection since the Artic Spell of ’85. He puts a blindfold on Chompers, and the girls start swooning. Do I really have to watch this shit?

Juan leads Chompers out the door to “his” Tesla, which makes me wish Juan had to use his real car, which is definitely riddled with Taco Bell wrappers and used condoms. I mean, you might as well give this guy a 10 inch prosthetic penis while you’re at it, ABC. As they drive to their destination, Chompers is forced to use her other senses, which leads her to point out that Juan Pablo smells like “heaven in a bottle.” Seriously? It’s official, people, Juan Pablo has complete carte blanche to take a dump on any of these chick’s chest. “Oh, his stool smells like Starbursts!”

You must be shitting on me! A snowy getaway in Los Angeles?!?! That’s their first date?! I swear to God, everything they did, from the ice skating in 80 degree weather to the Jacuzzi to the fake snow was EXACTLY how my first date went with my wife. I’m serious. This is crazy. Oh, wait, no, we had John Legend singing to us on our first date. Almost, John Pablo, but not quite. You need to wake up pretty early to top Terence Gifford. You know how the rest went. Juan Pablo said fantastic a few times, Chompers espoused some personal info that was heartfelt but forgotten when she commented on how JP tastes like snow, and then she gave a massage that made Juan question why he didn’t give a rose to the orgasmic masseuse. I told you, Dude.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Lucy Tits is letting ‘em hang out, and the second date card arrives. NO WAY Juan can spell ‘electricity’. This is not real, women! This is not how love happens! It’s a proven fact that love cannot happen without a minimum of ONE sushi dinner in the first week of dating someone. This show puts so many superficial demands and false hopes on us, and it’s ruining people’s chances and expectations on what is really… you motherfuckers! A PRIVATE JET?!?!?!

WE INTERRUPT THIS BACHELOR POST TO BRING YOU THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE: if you’re a guy reading this and you’ve never taken a girl on a private jet for your first date, you’re a fucking loser and you should climb the tallest building in your neighborhood and jump off because you have nothing to look forward to in life. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR ORIGINALLY BROADCASTED BACHELOR POST…

So, what was your first date like? Well, Juan took me to some outdoor rave where 2,000 Mormon virgins swarmed us as we danced and I’m serious, why are you laughing? It really happened that way. Wait, come back, you didn’t hear the best-- Group date time! One of the hot chicks who probably has a name guesses that the group date will probably either involve a photo shoot or eating cheese, as the date card reads: “Say CHEESE!” She then goes on to report to the country that she is good at both. My testicles are shrinking by the seconds.

Anyways, as they arrive at the group date location, they discover it IS a photo shoot! Holy shit, she was right!! Sadly, I really wanted to see this chick eat some cheese, but then I just realized I forgot to eat dinner. BRB. I’m back! Oh, Jesus fucking Christ! Puppies!?!?! They better have some mop buckets handy. Juan Pablo + Puppies = Wet Vagina. Every time. It’s math. Don’t over think it. And what’s a puppy photo shoot on The Bachelor without some blue-chinned bald guy. I seriously don’t get fashion, and I have zero qualms about this. I mean, this guy looks like he just went down on Papa Smurf. I wear a Big Lebowski tee shirt 5 nights out of the week and my wife is always bitching about it. Whatever. Fashion! We’ll see what she says the next time she takes my pants off and I have blue pubes and start humming the theme song to the Smurfs. Welcome to my mushroom house, honey! Nice. One of the chicks hoping to find love in the next twenty days exclaims that all this dressing up is so much fun and that “it’s like playing dress-up.” I’m going to start calling this chick “Unemployment Insurance”.

Next, we have two girls unhappy with their outfits, as they are not in fact outfits but rather signs to cover their genitals with. One of the chicks was actually a girl I thought had a possible penis in the first episode, and she refuses to go along with this. Yeah, who’s laughing now? As for Andi, she gave a full court press and objected vehemently to this crude display of… and just like that, Andi Punany is born, black [censor] box and all. God, I love visual irony.

It’s now dinnertime for the girls, aka champagne, cocaine bumps and crying. First up to speak with Juan is Cassandra. I remember the important names. Anyways, she drops the fact she has a son, and as Juan remembers that she was a former NBA dancer, his first thought is “yeah, I figured you had at least one,” which is then followed by his realization that he may have the smallest penis she’s ever seen, even if it’s 8 inches. Hey, stereotypes don’t lie, people. This is all followed by some other small talk with some other chicks. You know, like chick A says “I really love dogs and had fun today,” to which Juan smoothly replies “that’s fantastic. Really fantastic.” You know you just said that in his voice. But, here’s the best part. What we all tune in for! One of the girls is FUCKED UP!

This chick horribly fails the ‘I am not drunk test’ when she utters the phrase: “I just got here.” No, baby, you’ve been here for 24 years, and it’s time to get cray. With that, cray cray begins humping the side of the pool. I mean, she’s really getting into it, which makes me wonder about what the cameraman is doing the entire time. Of course, my warped brain leads me to think this is probably what he’s saying to her: “Yeah, baby, hump that pool. Oh, yeah, show it whose boss. Look into the camera. Yeah, now take off your top. Nice. Rub your nipples, too. Perfect. Now call out to Lucy.”

Surprisingly, Juan decides to kick cray cray off the following morning before the rose ceremony, which was a real gutsy move on his part. Yes, I’m kidding. I mean, of course you get rid of cray cray. This is the fucking bachelor. We’re looking for love! Naturally, the girls eat this up, as this proves Juan is totally mature and true to his heart. Look, ladies, it has nothing to do with maturity, and it has nothing to with heart. It’s called being sober. Shit, I’d be the president of the United Fucking States if I didn’t drink. Constitution, Baby!

Where was I? Eh, what’s the difference? Looks like we’re at the end of the night cocktail hour, where Juan continues to really get to know these girls and hopes to find love by dropping “fantastic” lines on them. Now, before I turn into a tampon, let’s get right to my “Top Ten Most Judgmental Takeaways” from this episode:

1) Does it get any better than when these chicks get eliminated and they sob about not being sure if they are capable of finding love? That’s such bullshit! Seriously, every time one of these hot chicks utters the phrase “I’m not sure there is someone out there for me,” a minimum of 10,000 chicks stuff their faces with another cronut. They’re already in short supply, you fucking whiners! Cronuts, that is.

2) If this show was on MTV, a full on orgy would have broken out at that photo shoot. I mean, the Situation would have had his dick fall off.

3) Wouldn’t it make more sense to hand out condoms rather than roses? You could totally exchange them in for “gifts” like tokens on a boardwalk. “Amee, will you accept this condom?” “Yes, Juan Pablo, I will!!”

4) Lucy’s like “what’s a condom?”

5) Did you see Sharleen’s dress? Did you read my last post? Did you see Sharleen’s dress? Did you read my last post? NIPPLE SLIP!!!! Dude, those nipples wanted to escape so badly. It was like endless curtains for the poor little areola, but I still think it happened and will again. STOP those ABC bastards from editing it out! Free press!

 6) You have no idea the level of mental fortitude it takes to watch this show with him. I mean, he is so freaking hot. I love Juan Pablo. He is dfpbiqer wefjibojibwef [iuoawebf [qwe ebf[oiu oawef…. sorry, I Just had to wrestle the keyboard away from my wife. Moving on.

7) WHERE ARE THE COMMANDS?!?! Juan Pablo, don’t you know?! When you have a solid set of women such as yours, and they all want to fly Juan Pablo, you make them do stupid shit. I mean, I would’ve made Sharleen start singing opera the first minute I met her. “Wait, you’re an opera singer? Do it right now!” Who else? I would make the hot blondes that are clearly being kept for tabledancing the tabledancers. Get the place going, right? “Yo, Lucy, take your top… forget it. Stay nude.” Who else is there? Where’s Unemployment Insurance? Oh, that’s right, she’s gotta rose, already. I know, I’ll make the reporter chick give me the most awkward interview ever.

8) Wow, that was more awkward than I expected. I actually thought the interview was a decent idea, but as soon as she looked straight into the camera to play pretend news reporter, you could see the psychosis oozing from her eyes and that spurious smile. Oh, that smile is going to give me nightmares! STOP! She’s doing it again at the rose ceremony!! TELL HER TO STOP SMILING!! Oh my God, she just got eliminated and the smile is getting bigger?!?!? Cut to a commercial!!!!!!!

9) Is anyone else as cognitively aware as I am about this single parent alliance that is forming? That’s so unfair! And, seriously, someone give an Oscar to Cassandra right now. “I really miss my son!” Well, I just did a little research, and baby daddy is making $8.5 million this year, which means Tre is living the fucking life. Kid has real life trucks in his backyard, okay? Fucking dump trucks, bulldozers, you name it, Tre has it. Truth is, Tre doesn’t even realize Mommy is gone. He’s like, “holy shit, daddy is rich as balls! These are some real ass trucks!” Truthfully, I’m not even sure two year olds can talk, but that’s what he would be saying if he could.

10) You think Chris Harrison gets health insurance?


  1. Why are you so connected with this show Gifford? Why waste your time writing this garbage..who cares, it's television, it's not real..get over it bro..

  2. Anonymous - sometimes people like to have a little fun in their spare time and I find this highly entertaining - makes watching the show even better considering I'm one of the Juan-haters!

  3. Hi, I kind of agree with anonymous. It's like the ranting of an angry person. I couldn't get through the post and I'm one of the biggest Juan haters out there.

  4. If you don't find this funny, you clearly have no sense of humor.