Monday, January 27, 2014

A Male Perspective on The Bachelor: episode 3 recap

Hey, it’s T-Giffo, back again with another angry man recap of this season’s ‘The Bachelor’. We have several trivial items to discuss in this recap, but I want to start by addressing the swarming rumors that were reported this week across blogs and chat groups, and that is whether I am a rage-aholic. I think that’s pretty fucking obvious, no?

Episode three starts with Chris Harrison making an appearance in a shirt sewn by a blind man. Pretty sure he just rolled out of the 1993 Mercedes that he sleeps in every night with his ferret. Elise immediately comments on how young he is and that he’s not ready to be a step-mom, which flusters Cassandra because she hasn’t been on a date since she was finger-blasted in the back booth of an Applebee’s three years ago.

Honestly, that pretty much wraps up the entire episode, one of which had me for the first time ever rooting for commercial breaks while watching television (That Lego movie is going to rock!). I mean, three episodes in and I think we all know Juan Pride is never falling in love with any of these overeager chicks, but being as Chris Harrison needs a warm meal, I carry on for you, my twelve readers.

So, in walks Juan Pride, the always sure proof way to send all the girls into state of gay euphoria. It’s so adorable how happy they all get when their knight in a white, hooded robe walks into the house. I really get the sense these girls have a deep perception of how perfect this gay is. Did I say gay? I meant guy. How perfect this guy is. He really is all class! Anyways, off he goes on his first date with Cassandra, which if you haven’t heard, is her first date in three years. That’s right, three years since she’s been on a date. Three years ago. Not one, or two, but three. Years. It’s been a whole three years since her last date. Did you catch that? Need me to repeat it? You know, that she hasn’t been on a date in three years. Kill me. Please. Cassandra and Juan Pride drive a car into the water where they eventually dock onto a yacht, making this the first and only time a couple on a first date will drive a car into the water and eventually dock onto a yacht.

 However, this does present Juan Pride the perfect moment to showcase his sensitive and caring ways by expressing to the audience the protective feelings he has towards Cassandra, the single mother who he can relate with, as we all know Juan Pride himself has a little—they’re making out in the water. World-fucking-record. This guy wastes little time in getting to know these girls inside and, well, inside. Next up is the group date, which takes place in the only soccer stadium in the world that allows limos to drive onto the field, or at least that’s what the producers seem to have spun to all these overly exuberant girls. I mean, they haven’t even seen Juan Pride yet and half of them already have their panties off. Settle down!

Oh, and there’s Juan Pride looking like a dandy with his adorable soccer uniform, firing off that last three pairs of panties in the soccer stadium. This is a time during the show where these girls are really going to get to know this guy. See, Juan Pride loves soccer, but he “gave” it up when his daughter was born, which is very common in professional sports. Do I even have to call bullshit on this? I realize the sycophantic strumpets on this show will believe anything, but not you, right? This guy is a fucking fugazi!! Anyways, the girls with names play a game of soccer, get all sweaty, and eventually a full on orgy breaks out in the locker room shower. Of course that doesn’t happen! This is ‘The Bachelor’ where real shit does not occur. Nope, instead of an orgy, Juan Pride goes and masturbates in his shower while seven hot chicks go judge one another while standing around naked. Yes, this is the story of seven hot chicks, picked to shower together and have their group date taped, to find out what happens when hot chicks stop being polite, and start making one another cry. ‘The Bachelor’. Real fucking original, ABC…

You know how the rest goes.  Brunette chick makes out with Juan Pride, then a blonde makes out with Juan Pride, then the brunette is all like “I thought he loved me when we frenched,” and the blonde is all like “I better get the rose for frenching this guy,” and Sharleen is like “I’m a virgin who’s only kissed a mirror.” As the group date comes to a conclusion, Juan Pride throws some adjectives at the girls, then proceeds to give the rose to the only girl he didn’t make out with. Suckers. Literally. Oh, boy, the show is still going!! It hasn’t been cancelled, yet!! The post must go on, and my sperm count must dwindle even further!! YEAH!!!!

Date three. Juan and the Blonde. I have no idea what her name is, but she has a little Kate Bosworth thing going for her. I’ll call her Blue Lush. So, Juan Pride and Blue Lush go out for some Venezuelan food, which is actually pretty fucking normal. The producers must have fallen asleep and Juan Pride had to improvise. This is followed by the scariest situation you can ever put a girl in. Allow me to drop some more math on you: Spanish food + girls = diarrhea, but when you bring bungee jumping into the equation, you get: Spanish food + girls + bungee jumping = how long can I stall before my pants explode? Surprisingly, she jumps, and when she gets back to the house, she tells Lucy Tits her date was amazing and it ended with her kissing something for the first time upside down. Lucy Tits laughs and says, “you’ve never done a standing 69?” Oh, Lucy Tits, how we’ll miss you.

This brings us to the tiny cocktail hour before the rose cere—wait, no, oh my God! ABC is throwing a HUGE monkey wrench into this season. Nope, instead of a cocktail hour, the girls will be putting on their bikinis and slutting it up in the pool all afternoon!! YES!! True love is only a venereal disease away!!!! Which brings us to our “Top Ten Most Judgmental Takeaways” from this groundbreaking episode:

1) I am really hoping ABC wanted to make a HUGE ratings bonanza with this show and secretly filmed this season as a rendition of ‘Joe Millionaire’, where in the end, as Juan Pride gets down on one knee and professes his love for one of these chicks, he begins speaking in perfect English and with a Boston accent. “I’m really from Worchester, and Camila is a little girl who simply lives in the apartment next to me. I am John. Will you still marry me?” This is what happens when I’m in charge.

2) From Spanish heartthrob, to homophobe, to “Holy Moly Macaroni.” Husbands and boyfriends across America are vindicated.

3) Does ABC have a secret contract with a country music label? Where the fuck do these bands come from? It’s like the producers are always crunched for time and their first recourse is to find a band on craigslist Nashville. Granted, as a white man, nothing makes me feel better than getting to watch a Spanish guy dance to country music. Salsa moves don’t translate, dude. Just bite your lower lip and sway those arms, you monkey.

4) I’d like to thank the camera guy for going full “tit-cam” during the pool party. Who cares about “the girls tell all”, I want to know what the camera guys have to say. Again, this is what happens when I’m in charge.

5) If there was ever a sign that I have lived with a woman for a long time, it was when the pool party was half way through and one of the thoughts that passed through my head was “I can’t believe they’re all getting their hair wet.” I am in full-on mangina territory.

6) I’m pretty sure Renee thinks she’s on “America’s Next Top Nanny.” I can’t confirm this, but I’m pretty sure after she got her rose, Juan Pride whispered in her ear “Camila needs a bath. Gracias”

7) After Juan Pride made breakfast for everyone, I was 100% certain that he said it was great to see all of the girls in their vaginas, but my world came crashing down when the wife yelled out “he said pajamas, you creep!” Hey, my English is no good.

8) You keep rolling your eyes, but the Sharleen nipple slip is coming. Did you see her dress? Her fucking tit could have slipped out of that. The tit slip! I haven’t seen a tit slip since Tara Reid stopped time for a full seven seconds during a red carpet entrance. If you haven’t seen it, do yourself some justice and google it i.m.m.e.d.i.a.t.e.l.y.

9) Sean is going to ejaculate in three seconds.

10) Poor Lucy Tits. Kate Upton be like “bitch, stop calling, I only hang out with winners.”

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