Thursday, January 16, 2014

Drifting apart & the BLOW OFF

Last week, Hilary Duff and her husband Mike Hockey Player Something announced they were separating.  They started dating when Duff was twenty and got hitched when she was twenty-three.  The couple has a two year old son and has been married for three years. (ahem, remember last week when I said the younger you get married the younger you'll be divorced?)

Apparently, the slip is totally amicable and according to a source, the two of them just "drifted apart."

This is basically the #1 reason celebrities get divorced and bodes the question: what the fuck does drifting apart really mean?

How can two people drift apart THAT MUCH when they live under the same roof?  And don't give me the busy schedules excuse. Mike Hockey Player is retired and when was the last time we saw Hilary Duff in anything? And what makes people give up on their marriages so quickly?  I mean, three years is shorter than high school.

I guess I'm kind of a paranoid freak about this stuff.  In the last year, the H-bomb has suddenly become an outdoorsman,  We literally have enough camping supplies to live very comfortably for five years after we get left behind in an Armageddon.  Some weekends he likes to go on these crazy eight hour hikes.  He stands on our deck and points out the mountains he's conquered.  Meanwhile, I'm sitting on the couch binge-watching The Real Housewives until I'm gripped by a panic attack: IS THIS HOW PEOPLE START TO DRIFT APART?

One day he'll meet a female goat herder who understands his love of mother nature and I'll meet a new gay best friend who understands my love for Lisa Vanderpump and then we'll decide it's time to legally separate.  It was amicable everyone will say.  They just drifted apart.

But then I had an epiphany on what drifting apart really means.  It's when two people just don't want to have sex with each other anymore.  It's not that they don't enjoy the same hobbies or the same TV shows or the same restaurants or raising their kids together-- it's that they don't really feel the need to get naked and bone.  Suddenly marrying your best friend turns into being married to your roommate.   And when you realize you girlfriends for things like emotional support, you decide maybe it's time to find someone you want to sleep with again. 

So, that's what people should really start saying:

Their reps confirmed that they've amicably decided to separate, because she doesn't want to touch his penis anymore and he'd like to try out a new vagina.

3 comments:

  1. I am ALL about significant others have different hobbies. Pete and I have plenty of things we like to do together and plenty of things we like to do apart.

    Like what's the difference between your best girl friend and your husband? You may love each other differently but you love each other like a lot. The difference - you have sex! You're so right.

    Not to mention - I firmly believe that you should be romantically alone in your 20s at some point for SOME amount of time. Yes, there are some people who get married young and stay together and good for them. But honestly, people change so much in their 20s and I think you learn a lot from have a few months (or even a year people!) where you sometimes even go to a movie alone and realize that IT'S NOT THAT BAD. Go to the movies alone Hilary Duff - you'll thank me later!!!

    Ok, I need to go back to work now.

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  2. I totally agree, Bryon and I are really good about having our separate hobbies and alone time BUT don't you think sometimes that's the same reason you drift apart with friends? I had a couple friends who got really into Jesus and we pretty much stopped being friends.

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  3. well then i guess it depends on the hobbies now, doesn't it?

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